Pondering my life since I read a fact about my family, often forgotten, I realize I'm afraid to post. If my blog is uninteresting or boring...it would be better for me not to post. Save this space for better entertainment. What fact? That I come from a long line of narcissism. Is that such a bad thing? People might mistake it for confidence. Isn't being confident a good thing? Pride, self worth, happiness...this can all be under one umbrella. Under a positive light. It's not only the fear of people hating my blog. It has infected my love life. I think I am too selfish to love. Friends, lovers, children...sacrifices need to be made. Some don't feel like much of a sacrifice. Until you're a month in and you realize that you can't remember life before them. You can't remember you...Change is something that happens when you truly want to reach a specific goal. You can not cross every finish line first as you are now because no one is that perfect. I'm ok with not being perfect. It not only gives me an outlet to express my self creatively but it also immensely entertains me.
Me, me, me. The world once evolved around it. Until I met strong enough people to put me in my place. Perhaps I lost those strong traits in the people I abandoned. Did they keep me grounded? Has my world become so about me and the things that I want that I have digressed? I would hate to think that even self centered twits care enough to ask these questions. I once seriously thought about being a mother. My first thought wasn't if I could do it, even if it was everyone elses. Mine was if I would be any good at it. Would she get the life she deserves or suffer my same fate. The apple never falls far from it's tree. As my seed blossoms and I become a tree...it's funny how I see my mother in me more and more. And I think, no child deserves that. I have this same thought with all my relationships. Friends, family...lovers. I can be alone, because when you've seen what I have seen, loneliness is the best road. I would rather wake up every morning alone if it meant that I could stay me. The sane me. The tree that isn't so apple after all. Barren of fruit but full of wisdom. Some paths are best for others.
This isn't sad. Accepting truth, for me, is about moving past the emotions. Realizing that not all truths are kind. I knew a man who introduced me to the phrase: it is what it is. At the time, I spent a lot of time and effort trying to figure out what he meant. I know now that his vagueness was a cover for his deceit. I still took his phrase with me and I use it almost every day. It has become a release from my own internal cage of control. Why this, what that, when, where, how...who! Breathe in-breath out, it is what it is. Simple, carefree, just free. No biggie.
I asked someone recently if they were afraid of getting sick when interacting with patients at a hospital. He said to me that fear is no way to live your life. Every time I write an entry, I learn something new about my self. I am learning that I'm afraid of myself. Many people fear being alone. I fear other things, but summed up, I fear failure. I fear myself failing my own expectations. I expect my self to be sane, on time, reliable but most of all, not to be like her. I want to be me. The me that is not like her. My thoughts are unkind, I know. If I were her, I would feel really sad that my daughters felt this way. I'm so sorry. I am really really sorry. I wish things had turned out differently, however some scars are deeper than to the bone. Some can reach your soul. I don't regret my upbringing. I am who I am. It is done and I am happy. I just want you to know that I am not going to fear posting any more. If you like my words, thank you. If you do not, thank you but let’s talk. I want to be better and your wisdom can take me there. Let's get there together.
On a side note, reading my blog over and over looking for grammar errors and sentences that make no sense, I realize I type exactly how I think. Except thankfully, I don’t type all my mental tangents. Sometimes I feel like a Libra with my head in the clouds, lol. I’m glad that I type my actual thought process. Makes me feel a little less crazy every time I post. Sigh.
