One Year Older Tomorrow

I was feeling a little erratic yesterday. With my birthday coming closer, my current romantic interest moving on and the SAK email chain of drama...it was just too much for me. But I'm better today. More sunshines than rain clouds.

Another temporary employment agency called today. They wanted to interview me tomorrow. I had to hear some stranger wish me a happy early birthday as we planned for Friday instead. I guess it's too long a tale to explain the birthday stigma. Just seems like I'm cursed that day.

If I still believe that you creat your own reality with out any grey area, then I literally carry the combined weight of almost 26 years of bad choices. That's a lot to carry. Guilt so heavy that even my dreams find it necessary to show me my life on a loop.

• This is the time that you scowled at the lazy temp making her fear you rather than minding your own business and working without notice.
• This is the time you made a waitress quit because remembering my over complicated order was more than expected but verbally demanded, rudely.

The worse part is seeing the events fold out, like my eyes are a movie screen and thinking "why are you acting this way?" The part of me controlling my body being controlled by emotions flips myself off and continues. Then when my emotions are calm, it's just me and guilt, sitting in my brain doing some kind of intense stare down. Sometimes I wish someone would slap me. Just wake me up and say "what has gotten into you!" When I can, I apologize. But there's a point you reach that all you ever do is apologize. To the point that your one of those people.

My encyclopedia of birthdays says for people born Jan 12th:

My greatest challenge is handling feelings of being ignored. That I can be restrictive, extreme and arrogant.

Wow. No sugar coating there. It also says that I can be tolerant dedicated and insightful. But to me, that all sounds like the positive twists of the all the negative words.

1. You are restricted but at least you tolerate people.
2. You are extreme but at least your dedicated to your point of view.
3. You are arrogant but at least your insightful about it.

Ok, the last one is a stretch, but the other two make sense. Good lord. I have a book telling me what's wrong and yet I'm still in the dark. I demand this book name specific circumstances where the above character traits were displayed. Book looks at me, like a book. Silent and full of cookie cutter advice.

I set my mind on a goal, I pursue it with an intense single-minded dedication. I don't have a goal!! Or at least, I'm failing in what ever goals I may have had. Bad book, bad.

But then is goes on to say that I can get so obsessed with work that I willingly give up MY personal identity. Now that does sound like me. I have no identity. Give me my work back world. I need me again. In hideous work clothes and inter office drama. That's me. I miss me.

There is a silver lining though. I'm lucky apparently. Where there is a bottomless pit of despair, there is an endless rainbow of happiness. I can raise as fast as I fall. Well world, I'm ready to rise. I've been down here a bit too long. Stewing so long that I might be starting to smell yummy. No one is gobbling up these hopes and dreams!

Goal: find a new identity out side of working. Having no mission is not necessarily the end of me. It can be the rebirth of me. The time that I set professional on the back burner for once and pursue my personal identity. Who are you Jen?

Are you afraid of men? Even if you never get hurt again, you will never be loved at the same time. The idea of falling head of heels makes me nauseous. The minute I confirm any feelings out loud, there they are, waiting to be broken. And maybe I have spent so much time withholding love that I prove myself right every time. So that I can say out loud, see told you he would leave. Is it selfish to always want but never willing to give.

The more I find out about the kind of person I am, the more I see how alike I am to my best friend. We had a large fight last year after my 25th birthday resulting in a 8-9 month friendship hiatus. Things I said to her then, fit me now. It's like the kettle calling the pot black. But worse, because those words fit me then too, I just couldn't see it. Would I ever call her out like that again with out taking into consideration that if the roles were flipped, I'd have done the same exact thing, to the T. No.

No one likes knowing they don't always make the best decisions for everyone involved. No one likes their flaws pointed out. But most of all, friends aren't enemies that you just keep a closer eye on. My best friend is my sister (not through blood/marriage). She is my smile when all I have is a pocket of frowns. She helps me strive for tomorrow's sunrise in hopes that it's just a little better than today's sunset. She is my inspiration on how I want love to feel when I find my man.

Being in a room of silence and not needing to fill it because it's calming. Watching some show together that you think is stupid but secretly loving that you saw the show after all. These are a few of my favorite things. And yea, bee stings and dog bites really do hurt. But not loving is even worse than those.

So here I am, ready to be a more loving 26 year old in hopes that my negative 25th year of life will be but a memory. 

 Tomorrow, I wake up a new JEN.