You write what you know. I know me. I am not a bucket of sunshines and rainbows. That is not me. You want me to post happy things. Things that make others happy. I'm not going to write things my soul doesn't care for. I could blame my genes or my up bringing. I could blame the world and this society. But I know and you know, that people are who they are at their very core. With out my rain clouds, why strive for your rainbows. I live in a world of upside down smileys but the point is that I want to live. Regardless of disposition. Existing doesn't necessarily constitute the need to be happy. Some are content just breathing. Continuing the species. I say, there are already enough people with that job. I am here to balance life out. Is it a conundrum that striving for happiness makes me unhappy. In order to reach a goal, there has to be a value set. The value most likely set by a visual standard. She has a nice body and dresses well, she must be very happy. Tv. Movies. Do you feel brain washed much? It seems to me, that people who live now, live life. Truly live life.
What does that mean for me... It could mean following my own design at my own pace. It could mean shaping my self to fit a cookie cutter image. It could mean a lot of things. What it means for me right now is that the need to post this seems really important. Like I should be sorry for being who I am. I worried today that I have not been myself as of late. Then it hit me. By me, did I mean the mask I wear for polite society? The cookie shape that even on its best day, still looks a bit off. You can paint stripes on a leopard but that doesn't make them a tiger. I'm a Jen. If I repel people, then that's just who I am now. With change being ever present, I know that me tomorrow will be slightly different than me today. So while others give up on me and determine I'm a source of great fun-sucking...the most important thing is that I don't feel that way.
If I have to label myself unhappy, then I prefer to be disappointed with my choices. I fell into addiction. Sloth is after all, a sin... Yes, someone strike me down where I lay. I'm lazy and living in a hole of despair because of it. You want to know a life lesson. Happiness is hard work. You have to address and appease people in your life. You have to do a good job and with a smile on your face. You have to pretend you don't let your past affect your every breathing moment. But the reality check is in today. I do. I live in my past. When stronger more motivated people picked me up and forced me to live. Given the opportunity to do it myself...I just don't care.
People bring out my deep seated guilt. I hear their words and I know that's not the intent. Words won't change me. If words could, a year long blogging adventure may have done the trick. No, I'm done with words. From now on, I DO WHAT I WANT. I blog what I want. I live how I live. No more guilt. No more pity. No more road to finding myself. I found myself before I started this journey.
I am Jen. Welcome to my blog.
