Day 1 of my new year. I was met with some startling realizations. First, if you have a close relationship with someone, it will only stay that way with constant effort from both people. Failure on either side creates distance. For any feelings hurt, I want involved parties to know that it makes me happy you consider us close. I hope that we can really get there, again, one day.
Another realization, that somehow, on my road to me, I must have thrown in the towel. Threw my head back and screamed, I don't want to live this life. I stopped living and started waiting. I know that I mention a lot, this feeling of waiting...
People in my life often mention that with time, life will make sense. That I just need to enjoy my 20's and worry in my 30's. I think that it's not in my programming to have fun. I don't understand the appeal nor the concept. It's like my OS has a virus. My goal is to reinstall a better OS.
My best friend wants to leave this American life behind. Live in a country where people live on the land and barter for only the necessities of life. She says to me that I couldn't leave my comfy lifestyle as a brainwashed American. She doesn't say this next part, but I hear her saying "you could never do an honest day's work." My lack of nice people skills comes up. "You have to be nice in order to barter or you'll starve." It's insinuated that I couldn't be nice long enough to make it. At first, I'm offended. I can do what I like when I want. Several hours later, I realize that fear cripples me. It would be a very hard life. A life not intended for me. I'm sad again, because I think, this is her giving me notice. Our friendship is going on another hiatus so she can follow her dreams. I want her to follow her dreams, and I know that they do not include me. I suddenly feel a little abandoned. A lesson I need to learn. Not everyone who leaves, is gone forever. If I know my best friend, I know she loves post cards. I'm a little happier.
Day one ends with me exhausted. So much happened on my way to the new year. I'm finally here and yet it feels like I'm still in the old year. Maybe after a month of correcting the year, it wont feel so old year. And maybe it's just me.
Day 2. Awake. Too early. Thinking on yesterday, it doesn't feel any different from the day before. Or the week before. Except for the roaring sciatic pain I developed after two nights away from my bed. Ow. I don't remember rolling hurting this much. The cat suddenly feels like a million pounds.
Yup. This year still feels the same. It's a shame that you can't scrap a body and just start over. But isn't that what reincarnation is.
I don't know who I am. I thought I knew. But now I'm not that anymore. I'm almost the entirely opposite. My up faces down and my black has gone white. Grey area seems to have melted because there is no room now in my new views. Is this attack of the body snatchers? Who am I! I'm almost the worse version of your self that you can imagine. Almost because I haven't crossed into taboo. Does that mean I still have a conscious?
Even love has died. I was once a walking contradiction. A sure foot Capricorn and a dreamer. Love was the goal in life. I watched "love" control two people who deep down hated the core being of each other. And yet claimed love. Even when the hate turned to physical violence.
I grew up with an openly cheating whore who simply needed a little Jimmy to hand you her number on her panties. I witnessed cruel women take advantage of the one other dreamer still left in my life. And even though, he finally found his dream woman, the road there was scarring.
And now, I watch a friend pick up the pieces of someone else's failed marriage, jumping in head first to what could possible be unsafe waters. I think fool. Then I am suddenly sad that, somewhere along my road of experience, the dreamer in me died. The one that followed my heart and put caution to the wind. I am suddenly jaded and full of warnings. Beware women I think. Beware their deceit and lies. He says he found her, the one. I think, the one right now.
I throw my head back again and scream again, I really don't want to live this life.
Yup. Love has died for me. I don't even have a desire to try. I am content, this lonely life, because if it's just me...it's only my life that is ruined. Even in my final attempt at love, my mind is clouded with doubt and suspicion. Texts need translating because no one says what they mean. Long time elapses become suspicious and full of unknown revelation. I'm finally her. I finally understand why it's easier to get drunk and peel off your panties. Except even that doesn't sound appealing to me.
And then I think about my youth. Regrets made known after a 5th has been consumed. Regrets that after all the abortions, the one that survived was me. Was it worth it? 5 years ago, I said yes. Today. I'm on the fence.
I'm entering day 2 in hopes that these thoughts stay on day 2. That although I am a different person who forgot how to dream, there is still hope. Without hope, there is only death. I'm still here damnit. I'm still here.
/end.
