Seems like, I am broken in ways that make it impossible for me to accept or receive love. They say, you must love yourself before anyone else can. I am always looking for a way to accept and love myself. But, as is my way, I find myself with unrequited love. Only made worse when the person in question also plays along for a little while. Were they ever even interested? Was this all just a game to them. I must box away my emotions so I can pull them out every time I have scheduled that “time” for feelings. Since I have not done this, I keep spontaneously crying. Maybe the experts are on to something with this piece of advice.
Honestly, it is giving me a lot of self-reflection time where I can review everything as a whole. I made a lot of mistakes. But were they mistakes? Or was it just me being "me" and him not liking that aspect to me? I am now recalling comments I made that I think started to add up over time. There were things I said that from the perspective of another, could be seen more negatively than the intention. I guess I forgot that the most important thing about dating is that you are getting to know someone. You are vetting a complete stranger, so you can decide if that person is the one you want in your life.
I am in so much pain because rejection never feels good, but this was inevitable. I just didn’t know it yet. I think that my lack of experience has me jumping on every piece of advice hoping for some magical solution to all my problems. That’s just not how the world works. The issue is that we live in shades of grey. Which means that what works now, may not work later. Or what works for you, may not work for me at all. I don’t understand why I am not a cookie cutter or better said, a Sheeple. Why can’t I just fit.
Although my heart feels like it could fall into a thousand pieces, it comes down to whether love was enough. It wasn’t this time. I want to give up. Throw my hands and scream because what am I doing. I am aging. These goods are expiring and soon, no one will even want the outside packaging, either. I know this was an important lesson I learned. I know that I am blooming at a rate that makes me revisit the possibility of “being on the spectrum”. I also know that half the solution is writing down the problem. This is me, writing down the problem. Am I the problem? Is there no one out there that fits into the world like I do? Or really, doesn’t fit, in the way that I do not fit. I keep drifting into these realms of fantasy, where I am better. I am not me and people smile at me because they are happy to see me. And then I wake up and I am alone. Again...
Finding someone is not about the job they have, the car they drive or even the clothes they choose to wear. It’s about the person they choose to be every day. Living is a choice. Loving is a choice. Just about everything about us is a choice. Why do we so often make the wrong choices? Or the choices that set us down the harder path. I understand what happened. I can even guess a lot about what is going to happen next. But now I must move forward knowing that even after all this time and growth, I am still being dumped for just being me. How much of me do I have to hide to be accepted? How much of me do I lose as I learn to conceal who I really am? Why can’t I just be me? Often revisited by the haunting theme of this life, that all the love I have had in this world has been unrequited. That I love more than I can receive. Maybe that’s on me because we are the sum of all our choices. How does one carry that? That we are the sole reason for our own unhappiness.
The bottom line to my shadow entry, day one, is the Billy Eilish song, I love you. “I love you and I don’t want to.”
I created this current moment of unhappiness with a series of choices. But you can't say I didn't try. I shot my shot, and these are the results. Soon this will be a memory I can revisit, and my glasses will be more rose colored than the very dark poop shade they are now. That's why it is so vital for me to write it down. Everything. The good and the bad. It only feels bad right now because I saw a happy future melt in front of my eyes while the person burning it all down to the ground only had an apathetic glance for my direction. Maybe this is the best kind of rejection though, because now I have my closure. Where there was love is now only an empty space that longs to be filled once more. Distraction will fill the void until my heart is ready to try again. Until then readers, I sign off knowing that feelings are going to happen whether or not we are ready. So, plan those crying sessions. God forbid you look the way you feel inside.
-Jen
No comments:
Post a Comment