Shadow Work, Day Two: I have accepted it.

 

The stages of a break-up. Let’s fucking go. 

There’s always going to be research online to back up any opinion or claim. That makes researching difficult. What is a fact and what is just an opinion? Semantics really because aren’t these all just made-up things that we try to relate to anyway? From my very few days on the college scene, scholars will tell you to trust the information provided by reputable/certified/verified sites like “.govs”. But who doesn’t love a good BuzzFeed quiz. "21 ways to know he’s not right for you." I do love my flags red. (Sarcasm people.)

I am going to sprinkle some research into today’s shadow work because I don’t know anything about anything. Admitting it is half the battle, right? I can only talk about the stages I am going through, but it definitely is NOT linear. It is also not a list you go through and once you have visited the 1^st one, you are done, moving onto steps/stages 2-7 or 2-21, whatever magical number of steps someone created to help them cope. If anything, these magical lists of steps and stages are a starting point. But here is my journey thus far.

1. Crying. Omg. I couldn’t stop crying. It’s like everything was a trigger. Why does everything relate to everything else? Like Kevin Bacon’s 6 degrees of separation, but this was dipping into the land of delulu. I think for me, this was the stage of shock and denial. I kept saying that it came out of nowhere and there were no warning signs. This is exactly why this process is not linear. Because I’m pretty sure that leaks into another stage, but we will get there. A lot of questions. And you ask these questions because being confused feels better than this giant hole in your chest. This is where the shock really put its claws into me because I had to keep saying mantras just to walk through a room. You have to keep telling your brain to put one foot in front of the other to go forward. That to me felt like total despair. And so, the tears flowed to ease the pain of existing. The pain was confusing and suddenly you are worried that you are in pain for the wrong reasons. Why am I sad? Why am I crying? Why does my chest hurt? The denial part of this stage is me going through the motions of sadness but secretly expecting that this is all one big mistake and it’s going to be cleared up soon. So, you wait by the phone. The first minute is ok, because you can’t see through the tears anyway. But then it’s been an entire day and there’s still no notifications. No texts. No calls. No emails. Experts say that the silent treatment is registered as physical pain in the brain. Is that why everything hurts? Because you were there and now, you aren’t. Death. You have to mourn that loss. I cry over my recent loss. Loss of love. Loss of companionship. Loss is loss. But wait there’s more…

2. Anger. I felt mad. Did I just waste the last year? And for what? Just to end up back at the beginning. Downloading the dating apps only to grow frustrated that no one believes in romance anymore. “Hey hottie, wanna fuck?” No. No thanks. Then I am screaming into a pillow because I have all this advice streaming through my head and suddenly, I am rationalizing. Bargaining. Was it me. Can I fix it. Why go to grass I haven’t been watering? There's a patch of grass I have been watering for almost a year. I hate him. Anger is better. Sadness is necessary but anger feels good. It feels like I am doing something. I don’t have to tell me brain how to walk through a room because I am running through them. My heart is beating which lets me know I still have one and it isn’t actually broken into a million pieces. Yea, I like this stage. Cross that. I love this stage.

3. Depression and self-doubt. We can just skip this one because if I am not doing one of these things daily, I have been body snatched and we should be looking for the real slim shady. Plus, if you really want to hear me pour on and on about how sad I feel about my life choices, I did just re-publish old blog posts. Enjoy readers.

4. Longing and realization. I am visiting this stage through-out the sadness and the anger. Often to answer some of my confusing questions. Did you know that most people ask questions knowing the answers already? It makes you wonder how many games people play on a day-to-day basis. I don’t think I have genuinely asked (out loud) who-dun-it without having discovered the truth beforehand. In my research on these stages, I learned a new word, rumination. Turns out, there is a word for over thinking with a negative connotation in relation to emotion. IE: Worry. It’s such a funny concept because worrying only means you suffer twice and yet here, we are, all of us, masochistic in some sick but highly satisfying way. Yes pain, more pain. Rick and Morty said it best with a scene where Jerry is hanging out with the crew from Hellraiser and it hurts to hang out with him which feels good. That sums about my life right there. I am not sure what I am longing right now. It's hard to say how far someone can reach the goal of moving on in a mere 48 hours. But I like to think that I miss things. Moments. Memories. All less than tangible but added up together created a feeling of safety and security. Safe as houses. And then you watch the house burn down. Why we do we long for things so easily destroyed? Love is giving someone the power to destroy you and hoping they won’t use it. I long even now to be destroyed again because those less than tangibles things meant more to me than all the gold in the world. So, I realized that no, I didn’t waste my time. I am not rotting like some old maid. I am not dumb or slow. I am just me. And I just haven’t found the puzzle piece that fits my edges yet. But I am going to keep looking. Seven billion people is a very large number.

5. Finally, this journey only had 5 steps, but acceptance and moving on. Obviously, we are too soon to have moved on. You don’t say you love someone and then pretend they were nothing. Sociopaths do that. I wish I was that sometimes. It seems like empathy and sympathy control me more than I would like. I always tell people that if I care about this one thing, I have to care about the other things. I am only one person. World Hunger. Mass genocide. Unfair waring states. It just seems like wherever you look, there’s a problem. I can see why people push their heads into the sand and pretend like it’s all better. I want it to be better. Then I try to compartmentalize my life, because hash tag first world problems. At least I have food in my belly, clothes on my back and roof over my head. What more could an entitled passing for white young American female ask for? The world is my oyster. So, it says on paper. It’s not fair to say my problems are any less important, they are just different. Perspective matters. I’m moving on, not because I don’t really have any other choice. When someone doesn’t want you, you can’t change that. Why would I want to change that? But I do need to go forward and that means saying out loud that it’s done. There’s no going back. There are no more apologies or explanations. That time has passed. When I think of him, I want to imagine that he is finally talking to more like minded people who want to share their lives. I also want to imagine that he is happy. One day I will feel happy again and I hope that imagining my happiness brings him some peace too. I accept that we weren’t meant for one another, and I am thankful one of us was brave enough to do something about it.

Those are my stages as I see it. Maybe a month, a year, 10 years from now, I will read this and think of something that makes me chuckle to myself. There were some really good times. Times of joy and laughter. People going through a breakup only want to talk about the sadness and anger, but there is a sigh of relief that I feel in writing this. You are free little bird. Now apply what you have learned and be better.