I am feeling a lot more rested and a lot less
hopeless. Holidays just have a way of bringing childhood traumas or whatever,
to the surface. Like we need to be reminded of our inner most secret pains. Although
the intensity has lessened, it doesn’t mean the hole there is gone. Honestly,
it just means that I can think a little clearer, now that my thoughts aren’t
clouded with complete and utter despair. Why do emotions control us like that?
Women hysteria. It is such a sexist diagnosis and yet I chuckle every time I hear
it because is it wrong? I often feel hysteric and then bam, food. Endorphins
don’t make any sense.
Anger though. That one baffles me the most. I heard recently in the dialogue of a movie, that sometimes anger is our way of subconsciously trying to say something that has been ignored. That we are ignoring, about ourselves. Think about that. Your body, your mind, your everything is projecting this unresolved issue and yet, you still cannot hear it. Can other people hear it? Do people know why other people are really angry? Is there subtext in every situation or is that just a “me” thing? It has me really thinking though, back on many past events. Events that we will hashtag JenActsLikeaKaren, and I wonder what that was really about.
I open this Dear James letter with my thoughts on emotions because I tend to only write when I am riding a wave of extreme emotion. Something I have covered in nauseating detail throughout the journey of this blog. Noticing the large gap in years since my last post to my most recent, it would appear that I lost inspiration for a few years. Maybe blogging just wasn’t trending anymore. Either way, I am back, ready to therapeutically heal my recent wounds and stretch some mind muscles. You should hear the new slang. Kids say things like that’s cap = untrue statement. Say less = keep talking because we are vibing. Vibing, like being on the same page. It’s cool beans I guess, but I still miss saying “Right On” all the time. Maybe I will throw it into some conversations and gauge reactions.
Yes, I did think about sending that text today. I didn’t type it out because what if I accidentally sent it and how do you explain that? “Yes hello, ignore this accidentally sent and perfectly typed out text that I have been obsessing over for weeks”. It is funny to me, because he probably has me blocked by now. The smart thing to do, in my opinion. I read another blog where this girl mentions sending random texts to an ex who had blocked her. She did it so often, that it became habit. The funny part is that her texts turned into things she needed to add to her shopping list. So, one day, 7 years later, her ex responds and says, why do you keep texting me random words? And she confesses what she has been doing for the last 7 years and that’s it. They say goodbye and she stops using his text for her grocery lists. The story seems unbelievable. But also, kind of believable. Don’t worry, I am not on that level of despair. But it’s a thought, knowing that I could send things that the other person might never see, until they did. Might be a new way to get over someone. That should be the thing that happens at every breakup. “Just a little reminder, to block my number on your cell phone, for no reason of course”.
So yea, Day 27: Jen needs tortillas.
