I can look at a person and tell you everything wrong with them. After a 15 minute conversation, I can tell you more. I look at my own reflection and all I see is how I am like you. But I am really not like you. Judgement is such a confusing issue in my life. I can see where it inspires some to improve their own imperfections. Then I see how it further cripples others. Where do I stand? I think I am in denial. I cannot live up to my own standards so I pretend the bad parts of me do not exist. Every now and again though, I am reminded how different I am. How I honestly have no room to judge. He who cast the first stone and what not.
And yet, I cannot help my ever need to vocalize my opinion. I do not tell you my judgement to hurt your feelings or to put myself on a pedestal. I worry that I see something that you cannot. Strangers on a bus would not point out a booger. So when I do, it is because I think of you as a friend. I can see the hurt fall on their faces though. When it was more than just a boogie hanging. Hear their disappointment. Were they in denial too? Or did I really just cross a line?
They say a cornered animal will fight tooth and nail. Is that what your words were to me? Did I accidentally corner you in my misguided attempt to help? I didn't know. But you were successful in opening my eyes a little too. I cannot say I really enjoy being pulled out of denial. It is my warm happy spot where I can toss my pain. My very own Pandora's box, with yes, hope on the bottom.
So the answer is yes. Everything you said was right. I really am that kind of person. I read somewhere, probably on Facebook, that you develop your personality by age 4. If people don't change, then you've known me my entire adult life. Even had the ability to see the imperfections I could not see about myself. Especially the ones standing between us now.
And yes, I have not been there or gone through those specific life experiences, but I know what my eyes see and my ears hear. I have heard you say that you should work hard to keep the good aspects of your life with you as long as you can. But you also should not have to work so hard to be happy. When the bad outweighs the good. You can't change people because people don't change. All you can do is slowly learn more of their secrets and determine if this is the deal breaker or if you're in it for more. I can't force you to see my point of view, no matter how you rationalize bad behavior or try to take back words said. But I beat this dead horse and so casually pass judgement because I'm ruled by my own fear. Are you breaking? Will you end up broken? Can I prevent it? Do the failed attempts to prevent the inevitable result in my own undoing? Am I the only one who sees an inevitable negative outcome?
I have more questions than answers. I just hope that where ever you are and whom ever you with has you safe. That's all my judgement has ever been. An emotion I could not convey any other way.
Until next time. You are still my one and only.
End of life chapter (insert #)
