I don't know how to explain my recent life best. I want to use the word roller coaster except I think you have to go up in order to go down. I'd say it's been more of a plateau with a cliff. That being said, I can't tell if I am sitting at the bottom of the cliff preparing for the next plateau or the next cliff.
I had some recent dominoes topple and I'm not sure what the end result will be. It's not about being scared of the unknown; it's about fearing the educated guess of possibilities. I could tell myself things will be alright because they have to...and that would be the positive outlook on a slightly dim situation. However, I'm not in the business of lying to myself. Experience tells me that my taking the last 3 months for granted is about to bite me in the ass. Easy come easy go. I'm slowly realizing that a lot of hard work in my early 20's may have made the rest of my life a breeze. But I'm me and there's no way me at 20 would have heard anything past the words "more school". I cringe a little today just thinking about it...meh.
The door to my current employment is closing and not in a super negative or bad way; just a door that someone else needs open more than me. I'll find another door and I'll walk through fearless because I know that I chose this reality. I don't know for certain what doors are available for me, but I know that I'll be ready when the time comes. I can be upset and frustrated my last hours, days or weeks on this assignment or I can bust my butt and prove to another company that temps are a wonderful resource for future needs. My current road is looking like I’m going to be a career temp. I love change, learning new things and I'm a great gopher. Plus, when people get to know me and realize that I'm not the most socially accepted, I can just move on to a new set of strangers. I'm not going to lie, I feel like I have family at my current assignment; a mom, a big sister, an aunt and even a brother. But I can't think about silly things like that. This isn't an episode of the office. This is my real life with real people working for some unknown goal. The goal that will make these hardships in life worth it. What lessons am I learning or even possibly teaching? I won't know until I am at the end. And even then, maybe I won't want to know.
I have had a lot of inspiration to express my self recently. I didn’t put cursor to blank word document maybe because I was unclear about how to express my self positively. When all people see is your negative side, you begin to morph into only your negative side. There was a recent south park episode that just really hit a nerve with me. Because again, it was like looking in a mirror. It was the episode where Stan turns 10 years old and a new music comes out called Tween Wave (which sounds a lot like electronic music, hardy har har south park jerks). Any who, all the adults in the episode hear people literally taking a poop when ever they try to listen to the younger generation’s music and vice versa when the kids try to listen to Bob Dylan, lol, good times. It’s obviously a hilarious twist to everyone saying “your music sounds like crap”. The part that I could relate to is when all of a sudden Stan hears the crap noises from both the young music and the old music. And before you know it, he is seeing crap every where. When people talk, crap is literally falling out of their mouth. He goes to see the doctor for his alignment and is diagnosed with non other, the Cynical Asshole Syndrome. Well crap. This is me in a nut shell. Someone in my life even said to me the other day, “You really don’t see good things when you look at the world, do you Jen?” No, I see how the world really is. I am not negative, but I can pretend to be positive if that will make the people in my life happy. I know deep down though, the world is not made of rainbows and butterflies. But I promise to stop cramming my views down your throats. I’m not a Christian; I know when to stop preaching. I will say this, when I am pretending to be positive, I do feel better about my existence. Don’t tell the masses though; faking a positive outlook is like smiling through the pain. Try it, you might find it really uncomfortably hard. But maybe, just maybe, the more I fake, the more real it can become for me. Like gluing rose colored glasses to my face. Eventually, I won’t know they are there. (Because my bad memory, remember?)
Having squeezed this much inspiration out of me, I think I am ready to end this post and eat my raw almonds for breakfast. YUM!
Have a happy Thursday, one more day till freedom Friday!
