I am losing some of the gun ho to continue down this daily blog
path. Some of it is that I am starting to feel more healed. Some of it is that
I have factors in my life that I cannot always be 100% transparent with to the
world. Things can be private. I know. I said that. Me. But even I have secrets.
I have deleted the dating apps for now. I think I wanted to feel some sort of
connection because anything is better than feeling rejected. But I seem to be
on some constant memory loop in my head where I replay the conversation of that
night. Did he break up with me or did I just run away because it was too hard? Regardless
of what happened, what is happening now is nothing. Which can only mean that I
am nothing, to him anyway. So, I really want this time to be the last time I mention
my heart break. Nothing good can come from dwelling on a past that is just that,
behind me.
That being said, I am going to try some different things.
They say that the definition of insanity is doing the same thing repeatedly
expecting different results. This is a subject matter I have discussed over and
over throughout my life because it seems to be a central theme for me. No more
dating apps. I don’t know how I will meet people though, because I am kind of an
introvert. But maybe I am not meant to meet anyone. We can live very fulfilling
lives in solitude. Hobbies and cats.
This one is short blog entry today because I need my last
James post to be separate from anything else. To compartmentalize it into myself,
I cannot associate it with anything else. One day I might be able to watch horror
stuff again, but for now, Halloween is dead to me. Everything that reminds me
of the moments I shared with my first love need to die so I can learn to live
again. Past what was ours and make a new path on my road of solitude.
Signing off for tonight with a PSA, if you don’t understand
what someone is going through, just say that. Emotion is complicated and often
makes zero sense. I don’t need anyone to understand. I just need a hug every
now and again. And maybe a kick in the butt to stop crying. But it seems silly
to fight with anyone over how someone else treated them. Now, re-read that.
- Jen
