I'm going to talk about my biggest trigger right now and fully explain why it offends. All the unwarranted comments on my appearance. How fickle to be enamored by a feature of mine that consistently changes and not always for the better. Ugh. The thought that crosses my mind everytime I read any kind of opener on my appearance. "Feel free to send your compliments to the chef sir. The meal can't hear you."
Seriously. Take a piece of paper right now and stare at it. Tell that piece of paper how pretty it is with its pale color and flat lines. Oooh baby. Did anything happen? Weird.... ok. Now try insulting it. You look too thin sweetie, eat a burger. Now, what happened? Weird.... still nothing? Now crinkle it up into a ball. Oh no. It's all wrinkled and ripped. Try to uncrinkle it and flatten it out again. Now tell that paper you're sorry. You didn't mean to hurt it. Why aren't the wrinkles and tears going away? Why can't you stay flat anymore? I'll explain what just happened. Your words had 0 effect on that paper until you took action. And even after you decided to take that action, guess what still didn't work. Your words. Words only have the power we give them. But also, our actions/inactions can force others into a state of disrepair. The paper will never be her flat self again because you crinkled her up. But you're sorry, so it's OK now. That's an entirely different topic that I would love to explore when I'm not mad about appearing "beautiful."
Then theres the insult that anyone would think the words of a stranger can so easily penetrate these walls of protection I have built. (I'm fraud, words still hurt me.) It's also the very low effort approach to reach coitius. I get my validation from myself. (This is what I'm saying outloud until it actually works.) I know what I look like. It's clear that you agree that I'm not hideous because you've chosen to interact with me. Yes. People are so shallow that they do seek out the esthetically pleasing. How do I know this? Experience. As you know, I'm fat. Ok, I'm less fat than before. But, behind these hazel eyes is the same person who was rejected years ago by the same men suddenly showing me interest. I remember a friend of mine casually telling me that his friend thought I would be pretty enough for a date if I lost some weight. Or all of the times a relative told me I had potential to be stunning, one day. Not on that day. But with enough hard work, I could get there. I used some effort and got there, a little. You know what new thought was unlocked when I did? That I'd rather hear someone say, "Thank you for making an effort today." Not, you're beautiful. Ugh!!
Now I can already hear the naysayers. "You said you wanted your boyfriend to call you beautiful." Yes. Because my effort went into my appearance for him. Because I put on eyeliner when my eyes were bloodshot and tired, for him. Because I brushed on blush, to appear more joyful and young, for him. When you do something for someone else, it hurts when they don't acknowledge. It should be noted that my ex boyfriend did do this, until he didn't. A sign that he had fallen out of love with me. I don't want any confusion here. I wanted to hear gratitude for my effort but I settled for "you look beautiful" because I understood that's what he meant when he said it.
Intention!! That is my entire point in this unsolicited rant. Your empty words are full of ill intention and I can smell it like a bloodhound. It's so pungent though that I just can't take it. I hear screaming. It's me. Head in a pillow throwing a tantrum because still, no one understands how demeaning it is to hear "you're beautiful." How about when men tell us that we would look prettier if we smiled. I watched a fictional dramatic show called, "Why women Kill". This show should be mandatory to all teenage boys. Or maybe I should just get back in the kitchen and make the perfect roast and potatoes, my little snicker doodle. *sarcasm*.
I've beat this dead horse enough. I started this shadow work entry in anger. Somewhere along the way though, I found some peace. Which is really the goal of shadow work. To heal.
It's never too late to learn a new skill. You're single. Wanna know why? Go find out. Take a look, it's in a book. Probably not on the reading rainbow.... however, with the invention of the internet, you have 0 excuses. I entered into a relationship with 0 knowledge on how to do anything. I started googling questions I had and guess what? Turns out I'm not unique at all. Tons of other lost souls are out there, blindly search for answers. And I'm reminded from all the helpful responses that not all heros wear capes. It's one of the many reasons I reactivated my very public blog again. Maybe my struggles will help someone.
Disclaimer, because I only overthink on the days that end in Y. I didn't tell you what I wanted to see instead of "Youre beautiful", because what could possibly be better than a comment on my outward package? Literally ANYTHING. I took some time to write out a few hobbies on my profile. I read your profile before I swiped right. I didn't want to waste anyone's time in swiping right on someone who would be mismatched with me. This feels like how common sense should be common, but rarely is.... which brings us back to intention. I'm having a hard time talking to the guy who choose the screen name beavereater69 just as much as the guy who wrote "ask me" as his entire profile. You want sex. Sex is easy. And very free when lonely girls will do anything to feel connection. I'm alone but never lonely. I fill my life with family and one very outspoken tuxedo dressed black cat. Either way, stop sneaking into dating apps with your ill intentions. Or at least, stop trying to get my attention. You may call me Jen. There are no "sweet hearts" or "doll faces" around here.
- Jen
