From the many writting prompts I came across in my online research, it appears there is no topic too taboo. Healing only happens when we step outside of our comfort zones. That being said, people always advise to write what you know. Right now, I only know the endless strolls down memory lane of my recently failed relationship. It floods my dreams, as if my brain is helping my heart. I look back except I've dropped the rose colored glasses and all I can think is, why were you so blind? You couldn't see that your guy didn't enjoy your presence anymore. That you seemed to be taking up space and interrupting sleep. That you used to be beautiful, and now you had to ask if you looked ok. You don't see the little things that change until it's already in your rear view mirror.
Then you're reminded of the times you held back out of fear. Fear that they would fall out of love with you. They say the more you fear something, the more likely it will happen. As if you accidently manifested it. That's so true. How do I know? I've seen it happen in real time. Straight out of a fantasy novel. In Seattle, I'm sitting at a bus stop, thinking, wow, the rain is really coming down today. Then I see an oddly shaped rock, all pointy as fuck. And for a second, I think about how that rock could really fuck my phone up if I dropped it with my slippery hands. And like out of some weird scene from a movie, my phone is suddenly flying through the air. It lands on that rock and cracks my screen. I feared breaking my phone in such a specific way and then watched it happen. If that's not manifestation, I know nothing about anything. But honestly, that's kind of how my life goes. I dread something and it happens.
I don't feel sorry for myself though. Because things happen the way they should. My phone was really old and I needed an upgrade bad but I couldn't justify the upgrade, because that's who I am. I'm not saying I did it on purpose, because I didn't. But it definitely feels like my subconscious took the wheel. Maybe that's what happened in my relationship. It was time to go. I think I reached a point where I was going through the motions of saying I love you because I wanted to be a person who said it. I also wanted to be a person that meant it when I said it. I did mean it. Until I didn't.
How do you know if what you're feeling is temporary or if that is how you really feel from now on? Do you keep trying or walk away? How do you make that decision? I just froze. I stopped making decisions and just followed the routine. It was easier. And I kept saying that when you leave the honey moon stage, you're just living life. That's what we all want. To live. To spend that life living it next to someone else. Everyday can't be romantic picnics and spontaneous dancing in your living room. Or can it? Is it crazy to want to act out your love every day? Is that expectation too high? Or unrealistic? There's so much more I want to experience and learn. But I do know one solid fact. People who want to, do. Think about that.
My shadow work lesson today is not to self pity. Every experience is an invaluable opportunity to expand on what makes me Jen. There is no light with out the dark. Good without the bad.You experience good things to make the lessons we learn from the bad things, more tolerable. Hope. It survives all else for good reason. So, my hope is that I keep on swimming for how ever long my destiny fortells, collecting as much knowledge in this life to make the next one even better. Regardless of your beliefs. Energy exists. It cannot be destroyed. Therefore, my efforts go somewhere when I die. Let's send the good stuff.
--Jen
