A battle to the bitter end. Will I die good or evil?

 I wrote a blog yesterday that took me hours (4 probably) to complete. I still have not posted it. At first, I thought I was simply being lazy. But the more I think about it, the more I realize how much I hate it. I'll tell you why. I have kept two diaries in my entire life. I still have both and I add to one periodically. I have only had these two in my life because I only wrote things down when I needed to be sad or mad and no one was there to listen. Through out the years, I have read the entries in the diaries and I have never finished reading with out crying. It's like I am living through the emotion of those moments all over again. I used to leave my diary around because I wanted someone to read it and give me their impression. Were they offended? Were they sad? Annoyed? Could they even get through it...? Unfortunately, everyone in my life appears to respect boundaries... Go figure. My blog entry yesterday written but never posted...I feel my anger and my despair. I don't want strangers to see that side of me. Many many factors can be perceived entirely different than their intended purpose because someone took a snap judgment. I like to think that I am human enough to embody every emotion. Some of my emotions are darker than I would advertise. I can't explain the flip from good to evil, but I can feel the change in my bones. I know when my not so kind side is breaking free. It's a constant battle. I tried to embrace it several times thinking, it's better to go with the current than against it...I enjoyed it too much. Like the cat who got the canary. The cat catches the canary to eat, but do they really need to play with it before, during and after the little bird's death? They obviously enjoy it.

I'm a strong believer in Karma, that what you put out into the world, you get back 3 fold. Yes, I'm guilty of not doing what I preach. Knowing my rude behavior could warrant me consequences; I still open my mouth and shove my foot in ankle deep. Maybe I like the taste? Maybe your reaction feeds my evil side? Maybe I can't learn? Some people learn the hard way. Are there people who don't learn...by choice? When I was 19, I was working in a retail store while attending a technical college. I'm not gonna lie, I'm can be a drama queen. That technical college was teaming with drama. If only I knew then what I know now...would I still say and do the things that I did? I hope that I'm choosing to learn from my mistakes. But any who, there was a month that was particularly bad. I said and did some things I'm not proud of. I bit my tongue; no big deal. Except the hole kept getting bigger and worse. To the point that I couldn't speak very well and it hurt to speak. I was convinced that my evil tongue was being punished. I worried for days; even tried apologizing and being sincere. I was like a whole new Jen because I feared karma. But like a criminal sorry for getting caught, my tongue healed and I was old Jen again. This was probably the first time I realized that I could control the urge to see others in pain. Not pain in a serial killer way, emotional anguish. People are like sheep to slaughter. So easy to manipulate, easily lead into danger believing there are no wolves. Most of all, the look of surprise when it clicks. This person does not mean me good will. A smart person thinks you are all wolves until you are a sheep. Are you a wolf or lost among the flock? I don't think wolf means evil %100 of the time. Maybe it simply means, you're unplugged from the matrix. Having said that, knowledge is power, and power is easily corruptible. Here, we make the connection to evil. There's a reason Politian’s lie. There's a reason the military has secrets. And there are many reasons why it's best of you shut your eyes, plug your ears and think happy thoughts. Does knowing something change it? Very rarely. So my question to you… why even know? Memory erasers are not yet commercially available. Give it time though. I'm not a conspiracist. I just hear the same rumors you hear and I take from them a sense of fantasy. Did I take the blue pill or the red pill? I can't remember...