I have some life changing news, but based on recent feedback, I'd say the breakup was mutual. I have heard a lot of things over the years. You don't get to level 38 without hearing a ton of unwarranted advice. In my experience, the people who want to change you the most never really liked you in the first place. I took a toxic job knowing that I needed to learn a lesson. I knew from day one when my trainer was belittling and condescending. I would joke about it with new hires, how I would empty my locker at the end of each shift because I never knew when my last day would be. Today. It finally came. I think I hoped that someone would say, no, stay. Don't quit. That's a fantasy. At the end of the day, people only care about saving their livelihoods.
Something about making sure I don't have any company property on my person was probably the icing on the cake for me. Why not just say, don't let the door hit you on the way out? Why did I stay? Why didn't I just leave when 50% of my team quit? Why was I the stupid one? I won't say the entire experience was a waste. I have never had more control of my emotions as I do today. Trust that I did not react the way I wanted to, several times. But people don't see your growth. They see that you still aren't fitting into their cookie cutter mold. I just haven't found my tribe yet.My tribe. My like minded, hello darkness, the world is shit, kind of people. My family tells me that my tribe won't be in customer service. Have you ever had a job with 0 customer service? Coworkers and bosses are a type of customer too. Everyone wants me to be energetic, positive outlook Jenny with a y. But I'm just Jen. Just fuck this, fuck that, the world is shit Jen. My darkness helps to illuminate your brightness. You're welcome.
After my worst December ever, I feel numb. Like what's one more rejection? I just remember thinking about how my birthday is in one week from today and I just didn't want to cry on my birthday. I know it seems silly, but I really love birthdays. Something about celebrating someone's existence just sounds so amazing to me. Proving that even negative souls like things too.
It was all the new years quotes I saw too. Normally they are all so dumb from new year - new me to I'm gonna lose so much weight this year. Yea yea Sally, how is Jan 1st any different than any other day this year? Ya had plenty of chances to start a new you. But there is something to be said about these handheld wire taps that we carry around with us because the quotes nailed it this year. Things like, don't be the reason you can't succeed. And only you choose to stay at toxic jobs. And it got me thinking that I feel stuck because I am allowing myself to feel that way. We don't get to control what happens to us but we do control how we react. I borrowed a celebrity autobiography from the library, as an audiobook. It was only 5 hours long. As I listened, I heard about this awesome life and I felt so envious. I realized what she was doing differently than me. She was seeing the things in her life that did not bring her joy and she cut them. Then she found time to work on the things she loved doing. So I quit my job and now I'm writting on my blog. January might turn out as bad as December but at least I'm now on a new path. Time to find my happiest version of myself.
That being said I'm looking for a new job. Something part time to pay my necessary bills. Sure, I have money saved up, but money is always finite. I think I need to get serious. Work on my IT certifications and look for my tribe within the technology community. Those people get me. They understand that machines are better because they lack emotions and motives. They do what they are programmed to do. That's all I want for myself. To run like an emotionless program. Wish me luck.
