Day 25 of the end of my happiness. I thought about sending a text several times. I never typed it out, but I imagined typing it out, a thousand times. Something so simple, like “Merry Christmas!”, no explanation, no follow up. Just those simple words. Then I would talk myself out of it. He doesn’t want to hear from me. I think I am more emotional because I just watched an animated movie (Elemental) that reminded me of us. And I thought, why aren’t we together again? And then I re-read the last messages he sent me. Where he gets mad at me and tells me that I have ruined his life. All I can think is, no, I can’t have done that. But it doesn’t matter how I feel or what I think. That is his reality of me. He really feels like I am his enemy. I am now dead to him, and it hurts more today than it did in that moment. I think the anger has subsided. All I have now is realization that I lost my forever person. All I have now is forever alone. I am trying to bottle up the pain and hide it. Maybe it just feels more intense today because holidays are for the people we care about the most. I still care about him. I don’t know if he thinks about me. Or if he cares. Or worse, that he ever cared. Even if he came back now, it still wouldn’t matter because the seeds of mistrust have been planted. The fear of abandonment will always flitter on the unspoken words between us. So, yes, I could reach out to him and face possible rejection. But what if he didn’t reject me and we spent years trying to repair this thing that broke between us. I don’t know whether it was a miscommunication, or we just finally learned all we needed to know about one another. It is not clear. The only thing that is clear is that it is over. No back and forth. No checking up on one another. I died to him. I think I died to myself too.
You don’t realize how much someone matters to you until they are not there. Kind of the reason I try not to value the greenness of other grass because you just can't see what you have until it is gone. All I can see is everything I have lost. I sit and think, because apparently all I have is an endless amount of time now. Forever truly feels that way. I think about his words. Mine. Was I wrong. Was he? Does it matter if we aren’t even together anymore? It is all really confusing because I want to move on, but everything reminds me of us. Smells. Moments. Items for sale. I think, wow, he is going to love this stupid item at the store, and then I remember that he is never going to see it. I haven’t experienced much death in my life. I say those words out loud and I think, that’s kind of true. I have never been to a funeral. That doesn’t necessarily mean that I haven’t experienced death. Am I not going through a type of mourning right now? Death of a potential relationship. It was not perfect, but it was mine. And now it is gone.
I have tried the dating aps again. Maybe it is a combination of the time of year and the fact that I am still in mourning, but everything that everyone says is shit. Worse than before. What starts out as a cute icebreaker just looks like the worst offense you could place on my entire existence. I am not your sweetheart or your gorgeous inset some fluffy animal. I am just a stranger, online, trying to forget her ex. Trying not to compare every sentence, word by word. Why aren’t you funny like him? Why aren’t you so smart, like him? Why do your compliments feel so empty, unlike his. That’s the problem. None of you are like him. None of you ARE him. Could EVER be him. And maybe I am glorifying a memory of someone. Maybe he was not the G.O.A.T. of my unwritten autobiography. I don’t know, because love is blind. I am starting to see again, and the world is just pain. Pure PAIN. I want to be blind again. And I don’t want blindness with the first guy who throws a smile my way. I struggled with the concept that I was in love with the idea of being in love. I want to be in love so badly. But now I struggle with what to do when I don’t want anyone else? Will I be one of those people who loved once and that was it? Do you only get one chance with your forever person?
My mind wanders, even now, and I think about the memories not made and the moments uncelebrated. About afternoons where soft music might be playing so we could both enjoy reading our books. Or listening to him read to me in his voice that was soothing to my soul. Short walks around bodies of water where we try to snap photos of the local wildlife. Well, I try to snap the photos because he likes to live in the moment. So many lessons not learned. I think I was learning to listen better. To love deeper. To be more patient. Now I am 4 steps back from square 1. Worse now than before because they say it is better to lost and have loved than to never have loved, but is it? That doesn’t feel correct.
The tears flow the more I type this out, knowing I will never send it. What would it achieve? I thought I was handling the separation like an adult. Not feeling anything and moving on with my life. I started focusing on my job again and joined a new gym. Then I heard a song that just opened every flood gate inside my head. Three Day’s Grace sung a remix of "Somebody I used To Know". It’s hard to explain the epiphany that hit me. Hearing that song hundred times before and now, hearing it with new experiences. Every word felt true. Like one long drawn-out stabbing to my heart. I don’t know whether it feels better to know that I am not alone in my pain or worse that others feel this too. That really sucks. The world really sucks. But talking about the lack of fairness in the world seems pointless. I digress.
