I am more wise today, I swear it ^_^

Today is my birthday. Last night as I was slowly falling asleep, the most curious knock came at my door. Surprise, my BFF from Orcas Island was standing there. She has surprise visited me in the past but from closer living destinations. If you don't know where Orcas Island is, then you should know, it's no hop skip jump to Seattle. Try a long drive to a limited ferry followed by more long drive. Yup. Surprised but happy Jen has already woken up on this new day not alone - thank you baby Jesus.

I received a curious email informing me that my blog made no sense. The first thing that came to mind is that perhaps I'm too contradictory or I jump around too much. I said this out loud to my BFF and she said, but that's you. Yea. That is me. I literally write down my thought process verbatim. As if my brain were talking with out a filter. I hope that my blog sounds like it would if you were reading my mind. Sure. I revise out some adjectives from time to time. But in all honesty, I'm a hot mess. You write what you know. I know me. Crazy. Contradictory. Confused. These are only a few of a long list of words that define odizus.

Perhaps, I could go to school. Learn how to write things I don't know about. Back to the whole rainbows and butterfly's theory from previous blogs. But that would just be another mask I wear to appease people. While I want to be more interesting for possible and current readers, I also want to be true to my writing style. I can start picking topics if that would be better. There are tons I could tell you about. And since I have an extremely selective memory (which I refer to as the gold fish memory) everything I learn daily can feel new and exciting.

I have been especially learning about politics. Silly facts that I probably learned in high-school, tested on and forgotten are all like new interesting tid bits of info for me. Like, did you know that when there is a democrat already in office able and willing to run for second term, they do not have debates to find a democratic candidate. But they do for the opposing parties. I was like, how come they only talk about the republican candidates. And now, it all makes sense. Eureka! I am pretty sure I took a class my senior year devoted to government. No idea what I was taught in that class. It's probably because I was a hardcore raver at the time. Now I'm all adult like. Boring. I even find myself watching the news thinking "oh I didn't know that was going on." but I am told not to believe everything the AP says because they report bias coverage reworded to fit their agenda. What happened to integrity? Just the facts man.

And the Internet is just full of information. I taught my self to knit thanks to YouTube. Yea, I said it. I knit. Sure, it isn't great looking and I can point to my mistakes, but few are child prodigies. I'm just gonna have to take the due process of learning like everyone else. You earn what you put out. It's the truth of the world.

Random Tandem Time: If you haven't noticed yet, I love metaphors. I'm a visual person. Nothing explains my point of view faster than a picture. I can't wait to be one of those old timers; "back in my day, we walked to school, up-hill both ways through the snow barefoot." If I am lucky to see a Jetson's future, then I hope my metaphors will be even more outrageous to the youngins of the future. "Hover craft! We used our feet and if it took a day to get there, by golly we walked it with pride."

Good times.

Well that's all from the newly wiser Jen of today.

Happy birthday to ME!!

One Year Older Tomorrow

I was feeling a little erratic yesterday. With my birthday coming closer, my current romantic interest moving on and the SAK email chain of drama...it was just too much for me. But I'm better today. More sunshines than rain clouds.

Another temporary employment agency called today. They wanted to interview me tomorrow. I had to hear some stranger wish me a happy early birthday as we planned for Friday instead. I guess it's too long a tale to explain the birthday stigma. Just seems like I'm cursed that day.

If I still believe that you creat your own reality with out any grey area, then I literally carry the combined weight of almost 26 years of bad choices. That's a lot to carry. Guilt so heavy that even my dreams find it necessary to show me my life on a loop.

• This is the time that you scowled at the lazy temp making her fear you rather than minding your own business and working without notice.
• This is the time you made a waitress quit because remembering my over complicated order was more than expected but verbally demanded, rudely.

The worse part is seeing the events fold out, like my eyes are a movie screen and thinking "why are you acting this way?" The part of me controlling my body being controlled by emotions flips myself off and continues. Then when my emotions are calm, it's just me and guilt, sitting in my brain doing some kind of intense stare down. Sometimes I wish someone would slap me. Just wake me up and say "what has gotten into you!" When I can, I apologize. But there's a point you reach that all you ever do is apologize. To the point that your one of those people.

My encyclopedia of birthdays says for people born Jan 12th:

My greatest challenge is handling feelings of being ignored. That I can be restrictive, extreme and arrogant.

Wow. No sugar coating there. It also says that I can be tolerant dedicated and insightful. But to me, that all sounds like the positive twists of the all the negative words.

1. You are restricted but at least you tolerate people.
2. You are extreme but at least your dedicated to your point of view.
3. You are arrogant but at least your insightful about it.

Ok, the last one is a stretch, but the other two make sense. Good lord. I have a book telling me what's wrong and yet I'm still in the dark. I demand this book name specific circumstances where the above character traits were displayed. Book looks at me, like a book. Silent and full of cookie cutter advice.

I set my mind on a goal, I pursue it with an intense single-minded dedication. I don't have a goal!! Or at least, I'm failing in what ever goals I may have had. Bad book, bad.

But then is goes on to say that I can get so obsessed with work that I willingly give up MY personal identity. Now that does sound like me. I have no identity. Give me my work back world. I need me again. In hideous work clothes and inter office drama. That's me. I miss me.

There is a silver lining though. I'm lucky apparently. Where there is a bottomless pit of despair, there is an endless rainbow of happiness. I can raise as fast as I fall. Well world, I'm ready to rise. I've been down here a bit too long. Stewing so long that I might be starting to smell yummy. No one is gobbling up these hopes and dreams!

Goal: find a new identity out side of working. Having no mission is not necessarily the end of me. It can be the rebirth of me. The time that I set professional on the back burner for once and pursue my personal identity. Who are you Jen?

Are you afraid of men? Even if you never get hurt again, you will never be loved at the same time. The idea of falling head of heels makes me nauseous. The minute I confirm any feelings out loud, there they are, waiting to be broken. And maybe I have spent so much time withholding love that I prove myself right every time. So that I can say out loud, see told you he would leave. Is it selfish to always want but never willing to give.

The more I find out about the kind of person I am, the more I see how alike I am to my best friend. We had a large fight last year after my 25th birthday resulting in a 8-9 month friendship hiatus. Things I said to her then, fit me now. It's like the kettle calling the pot black. But worse, because those words fit me then too, I just couldn't see it. Would I ever call her out like that again with out taking into consideration that if the roles were flipped, I'd have done the same exact thing, to the T. No.

No one likes knowing they don't always make the best decisions for everyone involved. No one likes their flaws pointed out. But most of all, friends aren't enemies that you just keep a closer eye on. My best friend is my sister (not through blood/marriage). She is my smile when all I have is a pocket of frowns. She helps me strive for tomorrow's sunrise in hopes that it's just a little better than today's sunset. She is my inspiration on how I want love to feel when I find my man.

Being in a room of silence and not needing to fill it because it's calming. Watching some show together that you think is stupid but secretly loving that you saw the show after all. These are a few of my favorite things. And yea, bee stings and dog bites really do hurt. But not loving is even worse than those.

So here I am, ready to be a more loving 26 year old in hopes that my negative 25th year of life will be but a memory. 

 Tomorrow, I wake up a new JEN.

To New Beginnings!

You write what you know. I know me. I am not a bucket of sunshines and rainbows. That is not me. You want me to post happy things. Things that make others happy. I'm not going to write things my soul doesn't care for. I could blame my genes or my up bringing. I could blame the world and this society. But I know and you know, that people are who they are at their very core. With out my rain clouds, why strive for your rainbows. I live in a world of upside down smileys but the point is that I want to live. Regardless of disposition. Existing doesn't necessarily constitute the need to be happy. Some are content just breathing. Continuing the species. I say, there are already enough people with that job. I am here to balance life out. Is it a conundrum that striving for happiness makes me unhappy. In order to reach a goal, there has to be a value set. The value most likely set by a visual standard. She has a nice body and dresses well, she must be very happy. Tv. Movies. Do you feel brain washed much? It seems to me, that people who live now, live life. Truly live life.

What does that mean for me... It could mean following my own design at my own pace. It could mean shaping my self to fit a cookie cutter image. It could mean a lot of things. What it means for me right now is that the need to post this seems really important. Like I should be sorry for being who I am. I worried today that I have not been myself as of late. Then it hit me. By me, did I mean the mask I wear for polite society? The cookie shape that even on its best day, still looks a bit off. You can paint stripes on a leopard but that doesn't make them a tiger. I'm a Jen. If I repel people, then that's just who I am now. With change being ever present, I know that me tomorrow will be slightly different than me today. So while others give up on me and determine I'm a source of great fun-sucking...the most important thing is that I don't feel that way.

If I have to label myself unhappy, then I prefer to be disappointed with my choices. I fell into addiction. Sloth is after all, a sin... Yes, someone strike me down where I lay. I'm lazy and living in a hole of despair because of it. You want to know a life lesson. Happiness is hard work. You have to address and appease people in your life. You have to do a good job and with a smile on your face. You have to pretend you don't let your past affect your every breathing moment. But the reality check is in today. I do. I live in my past. When stronger more motivated people picked me up and forced me to live. Given the opportunity to do it myself...I just don't care.

People bring out my deep seated guilt. I hear their words and I know that's not the intent. Words won't change me. If words could, a year long blogging adventure may have done the trick. No, I'm done with words. From now on, I DO WHAT I WANT. I blog what I want. I live how I live. No more guilt. No more pity. No more road to finding myself. I found myself before I started this journey.

I am Jen. Welcome to my blog.

Day 1 and Day 2 of 2012

Day 1 of my new year. I was met with some startling realizations. First, if you have a close relationship with someone, it will only stay that way with constant effort from both people. Failure on either side creates distance. For any feelings hurt, I want involved parties to know that it makes me happy you consider us close. I hope that we can really get there, again, one day.

Another realization, that somehow, on my road to me, I must have thrown in the towel. Threw my head back and screamed, I don't want to live this life. I stopped living and started waiting. I know that I mention a lot, this feeling of waiting...

People in my life often mention that with time, life will make sense. That I just need to enjoy my 20's and worry in my 30's. I think that it's not in my programming to have fun. I don't understand the appeal nor the concept. It's like my OS has a virus. My goal is to reinstall a better OS.

My best friend wants to leave this American life behind. Live in a country where people live on the land and barter for only the necessities of life. She says to me that I couldn't leave my comfy lifestyle as a brainwashed American. She doesn't say this next part, but I hear her saying "you could never do an honest day's work." My lack of nice people skills comes up. "You have to be nice in order to barter or you'll starve." It's insinuated that I couldn't be nice long enough to make it. At first, I'm offended. I can do what I like when I want. Several hours later, I realize that fear cripples me. It would be a very hard life. A life not intended for me. I'm sad again, because I think, this is her giving me notice. Our friendship is going on another hiatus so she can follow her dreams. I want her to follow her dreams, and I know that they do not include me. I suddenly feel a little abandoned. A lesson I need to learn. Not everyone who leaves, is gone forever. If I know my best friend, I know she loves post cards. I'm a little happier.

Day one ends with me exhausted. So much happened on my way to the new year. I'm finally here and yet it feels like I'm still in the old year. Maybe after a month of correcting the year, it wont feel so old year. And maybe it's just me.

Day 2. Awake. Too early. Thinking on yesterday, it doesn't feel any different from the day before. Or the week before. Except for the roaring sciatic pain I developed after two nights away from my bed. Ow. I don't remember rolling hurting this much. The cat suddenly feels like a million pounds.

Yup. This year still feels the same. It's a shame that you can't scrap a body and just start over. But isn't that what reincarnation is.

I don't know who I am. I thought I knew. But now I'm not that anymore. I'm almost the entirely opposite. My up faces down and my black has gone white. Grey area seems to have melted because there is no room now in my new views. Is this attack of the body snatchers? Who am I! I'm almost the worse version of your self that you can imagine. Almost because I haven't crossed into taboo. Does that mean I still have a conscious?

Even love has died. I was once a walking contradiction. A sure foot Capricorn and a dreamer. Love was the goal in life. I watched "love" control two people who deep down hated the core being of each other. And yet claimed love. Even when the hate turned to physical violence.

I grew up with an openly cheating whore who simply needed a little Jimmy to hand you her number on her panties. I witnessed cruel women take advantage of the one other dreamer still left in my life. And even though, he finally found his dream woman, the road there was scarring.

And now, I watch a friend pick up the pieces of someone else's failed marriage, jumping in head first to what could possible be unsafe waters. I think fool. Then I am suddenly sad that, somewhere along my road of experience, the dreamer in me died. The one that followed my heart and put caution to the wind. I am suddenly jaded and full of warnings. Beware women I think. Beware their deceit and lies. He says he found her, the one. I think, the one right now.

I throw my head back again and scream again, I really don't want to live this life.

Yup. Love has died for me. I don't even have a desire to try. I am content, this lonely life, because if it's just me...it's only my life that is ruined. Even in my final attempt at love, my mind is clouded with doubt and suspicion. Texts need translating because no one says what they mean. Long time elapses become suspicious and full of unknown revelation. I'm finally her. I finally understand why it's easier to get drunk and peel off your panties. Except even that doesn't sound appealing to me.

And then I think about my youth. Regrets made known after a 5th has been consumed. Regrets that after all the abortions, the one that survived was me. Was it worth it? 5 years ago, I said yes. Today. I'm on the fence.

I'm entering day 2 in hopes that these thoughts stay on day 2. That although I am a different person who forgot how to dream, there is still hope. Without hope, there is only death. I'm still here damnit. I'm still here.

/end.