Things seem so clear now that I have had time to readjust to all the changes. Change is good. I have made some bad choices these last 10 months or so. But I also made some great ones. I hope that I can always learn from my mistakes and grow from them. I think with spring finally here, I can start fresh too. I am not doing this week what I had envisioned myself doing for the past few months. A part of me is a little sad to see my efforts go wasted. Another part feels free from the constant obligation. I cannot be anyone but me. Having discovered that these long unemployed days, I also realized that if I can’t be who they want me to be, then I need to find a place where I already fit in. I am a stubborn lass, so I am taking people with me; new friends and old. I am throwing my ideals in the trash and I am finding new ones. Black and white viewpoints are such a harsh take on an imperfect species. I know I am unhappy because of the high expectations that not even I can reach. I also know it would be a large stretch to think I could suddenly flip flop years of strict perceptions. There’s a long road ahead.
I do not think people who assimilate easily realize how hard it is to constantly filter yourself and your actions. It has to constantly be on your mind or you will fail. Try, right now, to continually think about something; like not breathing too often or too infrequently. You may find that your mind wanders in different directions. Plans or anticipated events might rise to the surface the loudest. And in all that chaos, are you thinking about your breathing? Did you try doing it for longer than a few minutes? A few hours? How about for days? That is what constantly filtering yourself feels like. For a large percentage of people, they do it so naturally, it’s like breathing.
I am human. I forget that I need to filter myself and my actions. That I need not instantly react to a rise of emotion. That I need to always remain a respectable lady. It took the words of a family member to realize that I cannot do it alone. Words that cut so deep that I don’t know when the pain will stop. They say that loving someone is to give them the power to hurt you but trusting they won’t use it. I can’t say that I don’t love my family, but it’s clear that I can’t trust them anymore. I am broken. I understand that now. So to make things better, I have turned to pharmaceuticals. I feel better. Not so controlled by emotions. Getting out of bed is refreshing and not tiresome. I feel like a new me. Like I won’t have to filter myself anymore because I now have the quality that so many are lucky to be born with already.
I just want to be clear, I have re-connected with my mother and I love her dearly. She made some mistakes, owned up to it and is ready to start fresh. Plus she is really funny. I forgot how funny she is. I also dearly love my father. Without his support, I don’t know what I would have done. He is the solid rock that has kept me standing through all of my hardships. And to Micah for always saying the right thing at the right time. My father is lucky and I hope he never forgets that. ^_^
On a side note, I am cleaning! With the windows wide open! I know, not-jen-like at all. But I just woke up this morning and realized that I don’t like dirty bathrooms or smelly kitchens. Amber will be back from Iceland soon and I want her to visit my clean home. And I have good news. I have a date on Friday. It’s just coffee, nothing fancy, but I am happy to report that I am trying new things. I hope I like new Jen. And I hope you like the new me too! ^_^
Jen
