Judgey McJudgerson Speaking

I can look at a person and tell you everything wrong with them. After a 15 minute conversation, I can tell you more. I look at my own reflection and all I see is how I am like you. But I am really not like you. Judgement is such a confusing issue in my life. I can see where it inspires some to improve their own imperfections. Then I see how it further cripples others. Where do I stand? I think I am in denial. I cannot live up to my own standards so I pretend the bad parts of me do not exist. Every now and again though, I am reminded how different I am. How I honestly have no room to judge. He who cast the first stone and what not.

And yet, I cannot help my ever need to vocalize my opinion. I do not tell you my judgement to hurt your feelings or to put myself on a pedestal. I worry that I see something that you cannot. Strangers on a bus would not point out a booger. So when I do, it is because I think of you as a friend. I can see the hurt fall on their faces though. When it was more than just a boogie hanging. Hear their disappointment. Were they in denial too? Or did I really just cross a line?

They say a cornered animal will fight tooth and nail. Is that what your words were to me? Did I accidentally corner you in my misguided attempt to help? I didn't know. But you were successful in opening my eyes a little too. I cannot say I really enjoy being pulled out of denial. It is my warm happy spot where I can toss my pain. My very own Pandora's box, with yes, hope on the bottom.

So the answer is yes. Everything you said was right. I really am that kind of person. I read somewhere, probably on Facebook, that you develop your personality by age 4. If people don't change, then you've known me my entire adult life. Even had the ability to see the imperfections I could not see about myself. Especially the ones standing between us now.

And yes, I have not been there or gone through those specific life experiences, but I know what my eyes see and my ears hear. I have heard you say that you should work hard to keep the good aspects of your life with you as long as you can. But you also should not have to work so hard to be happy. When the bad outweighs the good. You can't change people because people don't change. All you can do is slowly learn more of their secrets and determine if this is the deal breaker or if you're in it for more. I can't force you to see my point of view, no matter how you rationalize bad behavior or try to take back words said. But I beat this dead horse and so casually pass judgement because I'm ruled by my own fear. Are you breaking? Will you end up broken? Can I prevent it? Do the failed attempts to prevent the inevitable result in my own undoing? Am I the only one who sees an inevitable negative outcome?

I have more questions than answers. I just hope that where ever you are and whom ever you with has you safe. That's all my judgement has ever been. An emotion I could not convey any other way.

Until next time. You are still my one and only.

End of life chapter (insert #)

My Only One - Can we make it through this?

Once upon a time I had a blog that I very much enjoyed. Like a public diary that the masses could view and comment about. I made it private when I realized that I write from my soul. For me, that place can be dark and misinterpreted. Even to the extreme of unforeseen consequences. It's ok not to be happy and to work it out on a public platform. Gawd knows my generation already status updates every time they sit on the pot or blow their nose. So with out further ado, I present Odizus: reunion tour.

Disclaimer: I have several blog posts - made private of course, because I want you to know who I am now and not who I was. I made public the generic postings of course. ^_^

As some of you may know, I'm a very black and white person. Ask my boss. The answer is yes or no. But just between you and me, I'm also human. I can't honestly say I don't have a few grey areas...

For instance, word definitions. As a person ruled by their emotions, the meaning of any given word at anytime could mean something else. What's happy? Is it smiling all the time? My face doesn't bend like that naturally. It honestly hurts after a day of falseness. You want a smile, be you! And make it funny, please.

Then there is dating. I don't date. Does being alone mean or make me unhappy? I get lonely, but for human interaction. I know I'm loved and I have my people. I just can't imagine letting the whole world in to my little secret society. It's been since February and I'm just now really warming up to a co-worker who wasn't always my favorite person. I'm selective. So, if I'm that picky with co-workers, people I absolutely have to be around professionally, then why would I settle for less with my heart? It doesn't help that I'm a difficult person. But If they're worth it though, we can find a way.

I'm reopening this blog because I found someone worth it. Not romantically, but that end all, we're in this until our dying breathe. But something is going terribly wrong. Maybe we've reached that defining moment when we ask ourselves, how long is forever? Sometimes knowing someone for a long time just means you've known them for that long. I like to think that I've known us for that long. People grow, but they never change. Perhaps, their eyes were never really open because I'm pretty sure my true colors were always right out there on the table. Or was it I who just vocalized my discontent for life too frequently? I thought true friends were honest. How much is too much? How little does it take to make your friendship just another mundane "acquaintance"?

I care. I care so much I wish for sticks and stones because your words cut so deep. If it were ANYTHING else, I could just apologize and make it go back the way it was. But it's honestly so much more complicated. You didn't stand me up. I didn't steal your shiny new boots, made for walking. I was just me and you were just you. Somewhere, we lost sight of what was important and feelings were hurt. Is there enough time in this lifetime to fix us. I miss you already, except really. I live a life standing still and you make it go. If only for a day or an hour, it means the world to me. You are the sunshine on my rainy days. And you know how I love my rain.

So, if we don't make it to forever, I love you. I will always love you. And at least I know that our memories will make it to forever. To my dying breathe because, you were the one. My only one.

End life story chapter (insert #)