Summer of Opportunity !?!?!?!?!?!?!

From time to time, I get this itch to experience what I “think” I’m missing in life. I usually dive in head first before it becomes clear why I was not experiencing this opportunity in the first place; like buying an Xbox 360. I see all these (super cute) boys beating each other on the battle field and I think to my self, oOoOoOoO!  I play their games only to realize that I can’t stay alive even when I hide, lol. (Yes, I took the Xbox back to the store.) I’m not complaining, there is obviously a learning curve.  However, I could save the $300 and go watch boys for free at Game Works…which reminds me: Note to self, visit Game Works this weekend. Muhahahahaha!

The same can be said for any out door activity.  Ok, so I am a princess.  I camp with all my bedding that I can possibly fit into a car and look for any possible reason to stay inside a coffee shop while people observing from the air conditioned establishment.  This summer, I want to dive in head first.  Yes, yes. I just said that I’m a leaper before a looker but there has to be something to this “Out Door Activity” thing that people look forward to every year.  Swimming, running, Frisbee, volley ball, tennis… these could be fun.  And to camp the hard way… a simple tent with one pillow and one sleeping bag… I am still debating that one. But I could go for a great big camp fire, with marshmallows and hot dogs on a stick *DROOL* … good times.  Or even some skinny dipping. Woo!  I don’t want to be a couch potato this year.  In fact, I am debating selling my couch.  Or at least moving it out of the living room so that I have to either or stand or be out and about.  That’s right, I said it.   I am done being an in-doorsey.  I am not trying to be bear grills now…baby steps - really small baby steps.  But I eventually want to camp on a beach and wake up to the smell of the ocean.  Sigh.  Or go out to a field of grass and roll around in it collecting wild flowers.  I haven’t done that since I was 13?  I get so consumed by technology and my professional life that I have forgotten how to enjoy wild Jen.  Getting dirty and not caring how the stain will come out.  Messing up my hair and face and just living in the moment.  Man, I haven’t had dirt in my hair in years.  I think I need some, and not in the spa weekend way. J  That’s it, I’m getting dirty this summer and I am doing it with out make-up and with out a care in the world! June is about to be here…I think I am too late to grow my own pumpkin for Halloween, but there is always next year. I have wanted to do that for so long… I will put it on my calendar: Get pumpkin seeds, get big pot and grow pumpkin for Halloween 2012.  I have to celebrate the end of days somehow. (Isn’t 2012 the year the world ends because the Mayan calendar ends, crazies… lol.)

So that is the plan Stan. Be active! Plus I read on the news headlines that being more active at a younger age encourages a stronger memory for old age. I already have too many senior moments… I need to start counter acting now! *Starts push-up, but falls* Ok, maybe I will start with something simpler, baby steps!

I will be at Folk Life all day Saturday, May 28th @ the Seattle Center volunteering, come see me!

My Song...

Every few months, a song comes out on the radio that just embodies a memory or an emotion for all of us. Sometimes it feels like the song writer channeled you and your specific situation. Every now and again though, there is a song that transcends the petty daily emotions we all go through and embodies the entire package that is you. I don’t think it happens that often, because I can only think of less than 5 songs that this sensation has occurred for me personally. One song in particular… every word, every note, it feels like I wrote this song to explain myself to others. If I could have a life thus far anthem, it would be this song. I got the lyrics and pasted them below. I want you to see me verse by verse. The scary part is that I am not only in one verse… it’s every word. Sometimes, I worry that I am working towards a goal that will never let me see the best parts of me. I always feel like I am given a new chance at life every day I wake up. I still believe I will marry a king even if I don’t believe in the constitution of marriage. And I know that people live in their own personal fantasies unwilling to and not ready to accept the reality that life is what you make it. However, like Lola, I am working on it.

Lola: I can't Take It 

I woke up early and it was a sunny day 

Soon as I went outside that's when it started raining 

Rushed and got in my car pull out my driveway and on my way to work 

Got stuck in two hour traffic. 

And I can't Lie 

Seems like the more I try 

The more I realize 

That I might not never see the best of me 

But I can't cry 

cause hey im still alive still got a chance at life 

Just wanna be happy 

But the facts remaining. 

Wanna go off everytime something goes wrong 

Cause I can't take it 

Tell me is it me or is it this society 

Cause I can't Take it 

When I look around wanna scream out hit the ground 

Cause I can't take it 

But Im But Im But Im 

Im Working on it, Working on it. 

I want so many things 

When I was young I dreamed , that I'd marry a king 

My daddy called me princess 

But in reality those things will never be 

Ain't no celebrity, but won't catch me complaining 

And I can't Lie 

Seems like the more I try 

The more I realize 

That I might not never see the best of me 

But I can't cry 

cause hey im still alive still got a chance at life 

Just wanna be happy 

But the facts remaining. 

Wanna go off everytime something goes wrong 

Cause I can't take it 

Tell me is it me or is it this society 

Cause I can't Take it 

When I look around wanna scream out hit the ground 

Cause I can't take it 

But Im But Im But Im 

Im Working on it, Working on it. 

Most people live, inside their fantasies 

Don't wanna see the truth,(they don't wanna see the truth) but life is what you make it 

And they'll do anything to even up the score 

Just trying to get a little bit more, Just trying to get a little bit more 

So only Trust yourself, and do what works for you 

Listen to no one else, 

I bet you you'll be happy 

So don't you hesitate, aint got no time to waist 

Just trying to get a little bit more, Just trying to get a little bit more 

Wanna go off everytime something goes wrong 

Cause I can't take it 

Tell me is it me or is it this society 

Cause I can't Take it 

When I look around wanna scream out hit the ground 

Cause I can't take it 

But Im But Im But Im 

Im Working on it, Working on it. 

And they'll do anything 

THING THING THING THING 

Just trying to get a little bit more 

Just Trying to get a little bit more 

And They'll Do anything 

THING THING THING THING 

Oh 

Oh yeah

Just trying to get a little bit more

What’s the song that embodies you? Think about it, maybe you haven’t found it yet or maybe you didn’t know it was your song

A battle to the bitter end. Will I die good or evil?

 I wrote a blog yesterday that took me hours (4 probably) to complete. I still have not posted it. At first, I thought I was simply being lazy. But the more I think about it, the more I realize how much I hate it. I'll tell you why. I have kept two diaries in my entire life. I still have both and I add to one periodically. I have only had these two in my life because I only wrote things down when I needed to be sad or mad and no one was there to listen. Through out the years, I have read the entries in the diaries and I have never finished reading with out crying. It's like I am living through the emotion of those moments all over again. I used to leave my diary around because I wanted someone to read it and give me their impression. Were they offended? Were they sad? Annoyed? Could they even get through it...? Unfortunately, everyone in my life appears to respect boundaries... Go figure. My blog entry yesterday written but never posted...I feel my anger and my despair. I don't want strangers to see that side of me. Many many factors can be perceived entirely different than their intended purpose because someone took a snap judgment. I like to think that I am human enough to embody every emotion. Some of my emotions are darker than I would advertise. I can't explain the flip from good to evil, but I can feel the change in my bones. I know when my not so kind side is breaking free. It's a constant battle. I tried to embrace it several times thinking, it's better to go with the current than against it...I enjoyed it too much. Like the cat who got the canary. The cat catches the canary to eat, but do they really need to play with it before, during and after the little bird's death? They obviously enjoy it.

I'm a strong believer in Karma, that what you put out into the world, you get back 3 fold. Yes, I'm guilty of not doing what I preach. Knowing my rude behavior could warrant me consequences; I still open my mouth and shove my foot in ankle deep. Maybe I like the taste? Maybe your reaction feeds my evil side? Maybe I can't learn? Some people learn the hard way. Are there people who don't learn...by choice? When I was 19, I was working in a retail store while attending a technical college. I'm not gonna lie, I'm can be a drama queen. That technical college was teaming with drama. If only I knew then what I know now...would I still say and do the things that I did? I hope that I'm choosing to learn from my mistakes. But any who, there was a month that was particularly bad. I said and did some things I'm not proud of. I bit my tongue; no big deal. Except the hole kept getting bigger and worse. To the point that I couldn't speak very well and it hurt to speak. I was convinced that my evil tongue was being punished. I worried for days; even tried apologizing and being sincere. I was like a whole new Jen because I feared karma. But like a criminal sorry for getting caught, my tongue healed and I was old Jen again. This was probably the first time I realized that I could control the urge to see others in pain. Not pain in a serial killer way, emotional anguish. People are like sheep to slaughter. So easy to manipulate, easily lead into danger believing there are no wolves. Most of all, the look of surprise when it clicks. This person does not mean me good will. A smart person thinks you are all wolves until you are a sheep. Are you a wolf or lost among the flock? I don't think wolf means evil %100 of the time. Maybe it simply means, you're unplugged from the matrix. Having said that, knowledge is power, and power is easily corruptible. Here, we make the connection to evil. There's a reason Politian’s lie. There's a reason the military has secrets. And there are many reasons why it's best of you shut your eyes, plug your ears and think happy thoughts. Does knowing something change it? Very rarely. So my question to you… why even know? Memory erasers are not yet commercially available. Give it time though. I'm not a conspiracist. I just hear the same rumors you hear and I take from them a sense of fantasy. Did I take the blue pill or the red pill? I can't remember...

Mother, Am I?

Pondering my life since I read a fact about my family, often forgotten, I realize I'm afraid to post. If my blog is uninteresting or boring...it would be better for me not to post. Save this space for better entertainment. What fact? That I come from a long line of narcissism. Is that such a bad thing? People might mistake it for confidence. Isn't being confident a good thing? Pride, self worth, happiness...this can all be under one umbrella. Under a positive light. It's not only the fear of people hating my blog. It has infected my love life. I think I am too selfish to love. Friends, lovers, children...sacrifices need to be made. Some don't feel like much of a sacrifice. Until you're a month in and you realize that you can't remember life before them. You can't remember you...Change is something that happens when you truly want to reach a specific goal. You can not cross every finish line first as you are now because no one is that perfect. I'm ok with not being perfect. It not only gives me an outlet to express my self creatively but it also immensely entertains me.

Me, me, me. The world once evolved around it. Until I met strong enough people to put me in my place. Perhaps I lost those strong traits in the people I abandoned. Did they keep me grounded? Has my world become so about me and the things that I want that I have digressed? I would hate to think that even self centered twits care enough to ask these questions. I once seriously thought about being a mother. My first thought wasn't if I could do it, even if it was everyone elses. Mine was if I would be any good at it. Would she get the life she deserves or suffer my same fate. The apple never falls far from it's tree. As my seed blossoms and I become a tree...it's funny how I see my mother in me more and more. And I think, no child deserves that. I have this same thought with all my relationships. Friends, family...lovers. I can be alone, because when you've seen what I have seen, loneliness is the best road. I would rather wake up every morning alone if it meant that I could stay me. The sane me. The tree that isn't so apple after all. Barren of fruit but full of wisdom. Some paths are best for others.

This isn't sad. Accepting truth, for me, is about moving past the emotions. Realizing that not all truths are kind. I knew a man who introduced me to the phrase: it is what it is. At the time, I spent a lot of time and effort trying to figure out what he meant. I know now that his vagueness was a cover for his deceit. I still took his phrase with me and I use it almost every day. It has become a release from my own internal cage of control. Why this, what that, when, where, how...who! Breathe in-breath out, it is what it is. Simple, carefree, just free. No biggie.

I asked someone recently if they were afraid of getting sick when interacting with patients at a hospital. He said to me that fear is no way to live your life. Every time I write an entry, I learn something new about my self. I am learning that I'm afraid of myself. Many people fear being alone. I fear other things, but summed up, I fear failure. I fear myself failing my own expectations. I expect my self to be sane, on time, reliable but most of all, not to be like her. I want to be me. The me that is not like her. My thoughts are unkind, I know. If I were her, I would feel really sad that my daughters felt this way. I'm so sorry. I am really really sorry. I wish things had turned out differently, however some scars are deeper than to the bone. Some can reach your soul. I don't regret my upbringing. I am who I am. It is done and I am happy. I just want you to know that I am not going to fear posting any more. If you like my words, thank you. If you do not, thank you but let’s talk. I want to be better and your wisdom can take me there. Let's get there together.

On a side note, reading my blog over and over looking for grammar errors and sentences that make no sense, I realize I type exactly how I think. Except thankfully, I don’t type all my mental tangents. Sometimes I feel like a Libra with my head in the clouds, lol. I’m glad that I type my actual thought process. Makes me feel a little less crazy every time I post. Sigh.

I think I am happy... Is this what it feels like?

I had a mini crisis this week, my landlord called me at work and I answered the call. Idiot. You think that after years of bad landlord experiences, I’d learn to not answer their calls, while at work. She dropped some heavy vague double meaning like phrases in our 5 minute chat. Bottom line, be more on top of my recycling and garbage or else. She never said or else and an ultimatum was never mentioned, but vagueness to an over thinker is cruel and unusual torture; especially with Seattle’s “beat around the bush” and “sugarcoat” attitudes. These locals would rather be nice than upfront. It took me a little over a week after that phone call to get my house clean and the trash sorted from the recycling, but I did it!! So I fell a little behind. It’s been a very bad last 6 months and I guess I just stopped caring. Between the car drama and my 25^th birthday (Not listing everything in between like losing two different jobs), I just really gave up on life. At one point, the condition of my house kept me alive. I couldn’t imagine leaving my mess for someone else to clean up. (Watching CSI has shown me that this is a common thought process for most suicidal women.)  I am not publically admitting this because I need help or I am at risk now. I am telling you, my readers, because I over came those obstacles. I used to reach out to close friends and family, but I became that “Oh, she’s at it again. Sorrow fests and fishing for compliments.” I realized that what ever keeps me here needs to come from me. At the end of the day, it’s my reflection that I have to answer to. Talking to my landlord a few days ago, she expressed that she really wanted my place clean for me too. That it could really help improve my mood and make me a happier person. So far, I think she is right. My house smells like apples and I can find socks! Already a huge improvement.

I made some decisions a couple of months ago, cutting my past off from my present. Sometimes, I miss the people I left, and then I think how drama free my life has become. How I am no longer sad or mad all the time. Sometimes I get irritated on the bus…those people really need to learn etiquette. Be aware of your surroundings because unlike other Seattleites, I will say something to your rude behavior. Any who, I just feel better and better everyday. The elevators at my work have been in construction since before I started working there. I work on the 3^rd floor, so at first, it was hard! Especially since I do tasks that require me to frequent the 1^st floor. This last Thursday, the work was completed. I have been in them once and it was because I was running late for my bus and I forgot to post a sign on the 1^st floor. It was a matter of being late or really late. I have to say, I feel so much better the more I climb those stupid stairs. I would really like to continue doing so. There are going to be times when I will have to take the elevator, like when I need to deliver supplies or if my boss is talking to me and I have to follow her. But I know that I will make the right decision. And hopefully, I will make the decision to find an inexpensive gym. I happen to work right next to 24 hr fitness, but good lord. They want my arm and leg in membership fees. And if you are not a member, they really make you suffer. They might as well be asking for my first born. There is always the non-gym working out? Lol…if you know me at all, you know that hell will freeze over before you catch me running around the block every morning. *chuckles* good times. It’s like I always say, you will only catch a Jen running if the last bus is leaving…or if the next bus isn’t for an hour… Even then, it really depends what stores are around and what’s open. :D

I am writing this, because I want you to know that I am finally starting to feel an improvement in my life. I thought I was getting fatter there for a second, but it must have been water weight because my clothes are finally feeling looser. Things are really starting to look up for me. Sakura con was the best event I have ever been to and I think I made some friends. They are pretty funny on face book. It’s nice to have friends that embrace technology… It’s not going away, might as well assimilate. I love my job more and more with each passing day and I think I am really getting the hang of it. I hope that my co-workers feel the same about me. In fact, I am sure they like me as much as I like them. I know that I make a lot of them laugh. Laughing is important. It cures just about any thing you can encounter in a work week. My house is almost clean! If only my sister was here to do a once over. No one gets a house sparkling like she does. But it’s ok, I am hoping to get a maid in here to do a once over. Things that require you to be on your knees, like floor scrubbing and wall wiping. I wasn’t built for that kind of labor… All in all, I feel like the past is finally behind me. I am ready to live my life and I am actually living it! YAHOO! And, best news of all, I actually have energy after work. I get home, I sit down and think, “How late can I be out drinking and still be home in time to get u at 6am?” I used to get home and pass the heck out. Now I just want to be alive. With it getting warmer and sunnier, I may act my age this summer. I would like to go camping, do a bar-b-que, swim and drink a lot. It’s the summer I will actually enjoy! Are you with me? If you got awesome plans this summer, let m know! I want to go too!