Shadow Work, Day Six: Regret because I didn't know?

So often, we go through life, rather carefree. Never giving a second thought to the little things in our lives. Back in my Seattle days, I used to walk by a house on my way home from work, almost everyday. They grew the most beautiful orange asiatic lilies all over their front yard. I would always take so many photos on my iPhone 3, an ancient piece of technology that never quite grasped the perfection of every bloom. However, I never picked one because I enjoyed watching them sway among all the others. I'm brought back to this memory not recalling the last time I saw them, which is kind of sad. 

Then it hits me that we never really know when this will be the last time. The last time I see a small yard filled with fully bloomed bright orange asiatic lilies. The last time I whisper I love you. The last time my dad swings me around in his arms. So many moments are fleeting. Which begs the question, if we knew it was the last time, would we cherish it more? Savor it longer? Celebrate it with more enthusiasm? 

This type of regret has me viewing my interactions with people differently. Will today be the last time I see this person? Will this kiss be the last? Will I ever feel this way again? Where's the magical fortune telling device when you need one? On the flip side, would you dread going into a situation if you knew it was the last? Or worse, could you let go? I can never really tell if knowledge is power or if ignorance is bliss. Especially where knowing something like this could change an entire moment.... I think back on several occasions where it was the last of its kind. I wish I could have been "more" in those moments. 

And we're full circle back to the concept of regret. That these thoughts are a reminder that in order to avoid regret, you must observe, learn and make the necessary adjustments. Obviously, you cannot avoid something being the last time you do it. But you can try to be your best version in everything in life. When you look back on these last moments, you can think, that was the best I could give. I really gave it "carpe diem" vibes. 

I feel that way with my last relationship. I didn't know which kiss would be the last. Which joke would cause me to laugh with him one more time. Or which enlightened perspective would be my last look into something I still never understood. But I sure as heck gave it the old college try. Do I wish I had know when things had been their final run? 💯 But isn't that part of the mystery that is living? 

Today's shadow work entry revisits regret in not knowing which moments to cherish most because that's possibly their final run. Yolo so you can live with a little less regret. I really do miss those orange asiatic lilies. They will live rent free inside of my brain for the rest of my life. 

--Jen