Wisdom of a Younger Odizus

I googled myself a recently and I came across my old Yahoo Answers account from a while back (some from as far back as 3 years ago). I got to reading some of my answers to people’s questions and I thought, “Hey there is solid gold here”. Some of my answers were a little personal (even for me), but as they say, the internet is in ink. I am going to copy and paste the question and then my answer to their question. I hope this entry isn’t toooooo boring for my readers. I really enjoyed it. It's fun to see how thoughts change with time. Would I answer the same way today? Maybe. ;-) 

Question Asked:
Too much on my mind...Help?I’m the black sheep of the familyThere’s a chance I won’t graduateI’m losing friendsI don’t have a talentI’m always telling myself I’m okay and there’s nothing wrong with me and everything will work outI’m not going to kill myselfBut I feel like times running out and my life is going down hill

Odizus Replied:

I felt the same way. I too am a black sheep of my Persian family. A female who talks over a male and says what she wants when she wants, GASP, unheard of. That's just the tip of the ice berg. I also have word vomit syndrome, **** just comes out. Open mouth, insert foot. I was very suicidal in high school. But then I woke up one morning and I decided that there are children in hospitals every day fighting to live and here I am willing to take my own life. How messed up do I have to be, to be that selfish. Might as well go down to the hospital and scream "neener nanner" to those poor kids. Plus I am in America. People lose their lives everyday trying to get to a country I was already born into. Man I have it good.

So I decided to hold off on killing my self to see where things could go from here. When you kill your self, you aren't just hurting your self. You are hurting everyone around you. Sometimes, when I can really be there for a friend or I can do something, someone else couldn't, I think "If I were dead, would this have turned out as well? Would this person have been helped?"

I barely graduated high school and when i did, I was working two dead end min. wage jobs to pay rent. I fed my self by eating the food i served at work, while I was at work. Then one of those stupid technical college commercials came on and I fell for it, hook line and sinker. The only thing my 9 month program did for me, besides bury me in student loan debt, was get my foot in the door. i love my life. i have a great apartment, with a great cat. My bosses are so cool. They even crack open beers at work occasionally. But I would have missed it all if I had followed through in high school.

The best decision I have made was to go through with life. Life is hard because it teaches you lessons you need to survive. Life isn't fair because nothing ever worth having is free. You have to really want it and then work towards getting it. And when you finally have it, all the hardship makes the victory taste so much better. I used to tell myself that the good just isn't worth the bad. But what I forgot is that when you really work hard for the good, though the bad... it does become worth it. Keeping positive people in your life is a big factor. Someone who whines a lot or goes emo all the time is not going to be helpful. You need to be the person you want around you. Wake up in the morning and think "yes, another day to learn something new". Trust me, time will prove me right. And soon, you will enjoy life and this moment you are going through right now, it will all be just a bad memory. Fight for your life and be a survivor. I am rooting for you.

ADDED:
The fact that you posted this shows me that you care that you are declining and you just need a nudge. You can do it. high school sucks for almost everyone, but being adult is so much more fun. Once you get out of that hell hole and find your niche in life, you will be glad you worked so hard now. Don’t' worry about not having friends. I have probably 3 or 4 friends, but there are my best friends. I would take a bullet for anyone of them. Those are the type of friends you want anyways. Not 10,000 face book adds. Just be you and you will attract like minded people eventually. Do the things that make you happy and some kid who likes he same thing, will find that you make a great friend. As far as school goes, talk to your teachers. Tell them you are a little under the weather and you need some help. They want to see you succeed, even if they make it really hard. Pick a teacher you trust and go from there. You don't want to ask the one teacher who hates kids... I'd pick a female as they seem to be more compassionate and understanding to teenage struggle. Where as a man would just say something like "Cowboy up".... pft. Be you. :D

Question Asked:
Just another stupid teacher "crush", but huge age difference?40 years. He is 40 years older than me. Well, that's approximate. Let's just say I'm a very young teenager. He's nearly a senior. I may be considered "mature" for my age, but it still doesn't make sense that I would like him, of all people. Well, maybe it does in a way...
On to the point, I realize there are so many people with crushes on teachers, yet less often is there this much of an age gap. Anyone in a similar situation?1 year ago Report Abuse Additional DetailsOmg. No, no, no. I do not want to attempt taking it further or anything like that. Lol. Trust me; I know how bad that would end up being for both of us.

Odizus Replied:

It's normal to have teacher crushes. Some women carry that taste for older men into their adult life. Look at Katharine Zeeta Jones and Michael Douglas. HUGE age difference, but they are happy together. Just make sure you don't pursue your teacher, you could get him fired. If you really liked him, why would you want that? I’d rather secretly obsess and cherish the "in class" moments. But then again, I believe a crush is a dream, something unobtainable. Hang in there. When you get to high school, you will find a market for older guys who really like younger girls and I am sure you will find a hottie with a sick ride. :D Just remember, don't go so high in age difference that it causes problems with the law.

Question Asked:
I am attracted to someone else?A few weeks ago I wrote in about my boyfriend who asked me to marry him 3 yrs ago and we've been together for 6 yrs. Well we have talked about it and the answer he gave me was not the one I wanted. I still love him but I don't feel as close to him. I have been going over to my bothers allot here lately and he has this friend that is living there right now and I am really attracted to him and I find myself flirting with him. I have thought that other guys where attractive but I have never thought anything about them or of it but this guy I find myself thinking about him and it's like I can't wait to talk to him again. I feel really guilty about it but at the same time I don't. So my question is is this normal or not to be attracted to someone else while in relationship?

Odizus Replied:

It sounds like you and your current man have grown apart. It would look so horrible if you dumped one and went for the other; however you need to follow your heart. When life throws huge a fork in my road, I repeat the question I want answered over and over again before i go to bed. When I wake up in the morning, I feel like I have a better sense of direction on the correct road. I can't tell you what to do, but I can tell you a little about my best friend.

She has been with the same man off and on again for 8 years. She has gone through the very same thing you are and she always goes back to her man in the end. They were engaged and then not and so on. Currently they are off, but both she and he can not go a day with out talking about the other.

I am telling you this because she hurt a lot of random men on her road with her man. She would get attracted to someone else and pursue them only to leave them high and dry for her first love. Not because she is a bad person, but she can not see that she and her man have grown apart. She is one of those people that think they can still make him a man worthy of her. Don't fall into that trap. If it doesn't work now, will it ever work? Think hard about it and I hope that you make the best decision for you. G'Luck.

And yes, I have told her what I am saying now. But love it blind. Can you see clearly?

Question Asked:
Persuasive paper...needs ideas for topics..?Please no boring, overused topics such as abortion, death penalty etc.Something different and exciting!

Odizus Replied:

There are two different types of persuasive research papers; ANALYTICAL (uses evidence to analyze facets of an issue) or ARGUMENTATIVE (uses evidence to attempt to convince the reader of your particular stance on a debatable topic).

When I was in school people always choose abortion or teen pregnancy. I really wanted to step out of the box, so i wrote a paper on why the Brothers Grimm are the greatest story tellers of all time, which was my belief that I wanted to convey to others. I would not touch the topic of President Bush, the war, or the Twin Towers with a fifty foot stick though. And religion is always a bad road to go down.

You can technically write about anything, just as long as you can prove that it is something you believe, and that you want to persuade others to see your point of view.

You can write about how bubbles are the greatest invention since sliced bread. I suggest something funny. After 50 papers on teen pregnancy and abortion, your teacher will appreciate the levity.

G'Luck

Question Asked:
Has anyone got any good ideas for a sci-fi story?Anything sci-fi-ish
It's a short story, btw

Odizus Replied:

You hear stories all the time about the last man on earth, but what about the last women. So she has the ability to make humans again, but with out a male, how would she try? Maybe that's too far?

Parallel universe, and the effects on human evolution should something have occurred very differently in one of the many disputed ways that we came to "be".

The opposite of the matrix, say we woke up in desolation, only to find out the real world is the earth we know now, but finding out and getting to it is the risk.

Going to bed human waking up robot and the adventure to find out which one is reality and which one was the dream.

I will think more on this and get back to you. :-D

Edited in: Mine is sci-fi-y, I think, as an avid sci fi channel watcher, I was close; Even if the stories aren't that original. I am kind of more into magical and Wicca stories, like Anne Rice's Mayfair chronicles...

Ok, the sun is too hot for us to go near it now, say we develop technology to get close to it, and find that there is an entire species of human with the ability to live there. OR even just a creature of some sort. What could live on a climate so hot that Futurama throws a city sized garbage ball at the sun? There is a very high possibility that I was watching this episode of Futurama at the time and lost train of thought mid sentence... because this idea makes no sense at all, lol! 

Or, take the trees from lord of the rings. Say we are living our lives as normal and one day nature wakes up like those trees and decides to start a war with the human raise for obvious reasons? This answer is 3 years old, way before I had ever heard of the movie "The Happening." Just so you know. 

Or, say we find out what the pyramids really were for, in this day and age, when the creators finally come back to claim the gold we were supposed to be collected over a time period of 33 (x so many thousands, ten or hundred or something) ... a thought.

The world really does end in 2012 like some conspiracy theorist say, and it ends so ironically, or unlike any other way we could have really imagined. Out of the normal realm.

Any who, these are just a few of the questions I answered and only the ones voted "best answer". I really enjoy helping people out. I wanted to be a psychologist when I was little, but life just happens differently sometimes. I think I would enjoy studying people and finding better ways to exist. I can do that as a side hobby though. Live my life to the best of my ability and hope that I am inspiring others along the way. If not, then I will find another life mission. Life is simply a series of moments. Where one door closes, another one is still open. (I know the saying is a "and another door opens, but I like to think other open doors are always on the table of options rather than thinking that I was only given this option because another one was taken away. That's a depressing thought.) As much as I would like the world to be black and white, it's a whole lot of grey area. 

Do you know why we have eyes in the front of our faces? So we are looking forward to the future rather than behind us, our past. Don't give your self whip lash living in past! Go forward! 

Pre-Work Discovery or Walking Epiphany?

I have been studying my self the last 48 hours or so and I think I can explain high school. I was a capital B. No way around it. But I think it has a lot to do with too high levels of serotonin and lack of sleep. I decided to mess up my sleep schedule this weekend and live out my youth while I still had some left… Big mistake. I now feel evil 24/7. I want to kick dogs, reprimand rude teens, curse ( :-0 ), snap at any one slower than me at any given moment… it’s like a flash back to high school and my early 20’s. Back when I wasn’t sleeping. Now in my old age, I sleep 12 or more hours a day. But I am nicer. Smiling, fake curse words, more willing to wait…less likely to kick a barking dog in its intrusive noise maker!
 
TANGENT: I’m sorry, but I’m a cat person… down with dogs! And… I have never kicked a dog and I won’t unless one attacks me because dog owners are super scary. I had a dog owner friend and someone did kick her dog and she went ape shiza on them. It was a learning experience for me.
 
Any who, I just wondering if there is some other way to deplete serotonin? I feel great when it’s gone, but I have to deal with the side effects of the “treatment”. Not always fun during or after. I am a control freak of my behaviors and really, the “treatment” takes away my brain’s decisions and acts on my instincts or whims. Lame. Sure, I see fluffy things in real life that I would love to caress them until they are no longer fluffy; However, I slap my hand and act like I was stretching. Not the case when you are on the “treatment”. It’s like inhibitions and reason, out the window. The goal: be the normal crazy, not the “given the creeped out look” crazy.
 
TANGENT: Since the word crazy came up, I just need to vent about the 12 year old I saw get on the bus that I wanted to kick in the head. Obviously, he wasn’t 12 because he got off the bus at the community college, but he had a high pitched voice and would have a very hard time getting into a bar. What, I said it! Also, he was not attractive really and his clothes didn’t fit for his more round physic. Normally, I wouldn’t need to describe the person I am talking about, but I think it’s relevant for this tale. So, nosey Nelly Jen peeks over the seat as he is texting someone and it reads, verbatim: “I love crazy people though. They are always the horniest.” I just about ripped out my headphones and said: “Look virgin, as if you could get laid, crazy people have standards too and you are bottom of the bucket.” This experience has made me want to stop texting in public… Plus everyone knows that crazy people aren’t necessarily the horniest, they are just the best in the sack. Hollar! Lol… kidding… or was I?
 
The urge to call in sick to work this morning was strong. But what do you say over the phone, “Hi, it’s Jen, I’m really grumpy and I don’t want to get fired, so I’m calling in sick, thanks!” Heck to the no. You grab the strongest cup of coffee you find, you zombie walk into work and you fake smile until it’s not fake any more. Even if it hurts *Shakes fist at ceiling* rent doesn’t pay it self, unfortunately. I like to raise the octave in my voice. People think I have a great phone voice but really, I have just done my research. Studies prove that men find high voices sexier and women find them friendlier. Unless you are me and then you find them annoying. I went through a stage where I would hang up on customer service people until I got a man. They don’t socialize over the phone, they are blunt and they are more willing to “make an exception” because they don’t want to deal with a lot of drama or paper work. I hear ya brother, power to the man powered work force! Woot woot! But in all seriousness, I save the low tones for my non professional life so I can keep a job. People don’t like grumpy or unhappy people. They want to feel like you improved their day. Welcome to Seattle. I wonder how different New York really is. *Ponders*
 
Well this concludes another post by Jen. I wish I could post more, but 1. This is more time consuming than it looks and 2. Inspiration baby, I need it in spades.
 
Happy Tuesday because it’s not Monday any more!
 

Censor this #$%$#@%#$%$# !

WARNING: I'm about to vent... yes, I know, but I wanted to give you the option to skip my whinning, lol.

I get so tired of all the effin’ censor ship. I understand not offending some one, but some people are beyond sensitive. It’s like they are projecting their own unhappiness to others. I just started posting on a forum centered around a favored author and I am finding her fan base of old unhappy house wives/husbands annoying. (I didn’t marry my high school sweet heart choosing love over education only to poop out 3 ungrateful brats and find my husband in bed with my best friend of 20 years….) I understand why favored author has readers that are 40 plus, but c’mon.

One of my posts was deleted for violating rule “2a” which I guess has to do with cursing or improper language. I looked at the post. It was on a “what are you listening to right now” troll thread and I posted a video link to you tube video for the Neon Tree’s “Boys and Girls” song with a note saying “And I thought Animal was an awesome song…” Yes, so many violations were broken here. :ROLLEYES: I looked at the moderator’s posts in the same thread, the one who deleted my post and then sent me an email to let me know how improper I was; it’s clear she didn’t like my taste in music because she was posting old people music. (I say it, what!) I feel discriminated against. If it were a forum that I was actually enjoying, I might fight the rigid “b” word, but “frankly my dear, I just don’t give a damn.”

This is the second post of mine to be deleted because I violated some ridiculous rule in the eyes of some hobbiless old person. Well here’s a news flash, I don’t need to socialize with a fan base to enjoy someone’s product. In fact, further I am away from the crazies, the better. I just effin’ hate censorship. Makes me want to curse and flip people off. It’s like yelling at someone for cursing with a curse word in your reprimanding. YOU MAKE ME WANT TO GIVE YOU A REASON TO CENSOR ME.I grumbled about it all morning as I got ready for work. I am usually a “fudge” this or “shiza dushku” kind of person. (I make up my own curse words or use happier substitutes.) But this morning, I was going sailor mouth McGee with F bombs and C nicknames… How dare you modify my freedom of speech to fit your own repression! It’s about the only thing I don’t like about Japan. I said it, repression makes me sick. How can your soul breathe if it can’t be it self? I’m sure there are tons of other repressed things that make me sick, and maybe it’s because I’m a loud mouth American, but sheesh.

I mostly had to vent this because I thought I would explode with unfulfilled expectations of a fan base for an author who practically wrote the book on vampire smut. You think they would be more open…Normally, I wouldn’t be into vampire smut, but 1. The books started out pretty whole some, almost frustratingly good. And 2. The lead heroin is a woman after my own heart. Out spoken, rules are basically meant for everyone else… you know, a kick ass American woman. YAY! The double standard of this world is enough to create agoraphobia in seemingly normal individuals. No more lame forum for me…I got my blog, it completes me.

Although I have posted this video before, I just wanted you to see the kind of “improper” material I was posting online, again:

Don't let the man hold you down, BREAK FREE!

Be you, because if you don't, who will?

"Ohhhh, how long 'till your surrender? It's a long way for heartbreak - but your heart wait and bleeds"  

I’ve decided that I want to be me ever if it means I am missing out on some opportunity. At the end of the day, if I am not me, who am I? I try not to regret life, because regret means I would have changed something. Change in any form would make me slightly different than I am today. And since I can’t change what has already happened, I am satisfied with the eggs that have already hatched. Really, I am. Sometimes I just need to say it out loud so that I remember. Some paths chosen in life aren’t the prettiest or easiest. However, if they are the choices you can proudly stand behind, who cares. I am a sucker for quotes, especially quotes that sound confusing or wise. I heard one in a movie recently, and technically, it’s just a play on words; a pun. But I fell in love with it. It makes me feel like getting a cause. I obviously can’t save the world, but maybe I can pick “one” thing worth saving and move from there. The quote I am talking about is from the new movie “Sucker Punch”. I saw it during its opening weekend and it blew me away. I heard a lot of people complaining about the movie afterwards, but I guess it wasn’t everyone’s cup of tea. It did better over seas, which tells me a lot about Americans. Ok, I’m stalling a little for suspense, the quote was:

“If you don’t stand for something, you will fall for anything.” Via the wise man from the movie.

It got me thinking though. You could say that I do fall for any and everything, at times. Is it because I lost my passion for life? Have I lost my passion? Do I need a cause? I don’t know, but I am going to live today thinking that I want to stand so I don’t fall. I think that is the best any one can do until they have found their mission; whether it’s your life mission or a mission of the moment. The important thing is taking what you have, and making the best of it. I’m not being pessimistic; I hope that I am being a realist. I hope that I am seeing the world the way it truly is, versus the way I wish it was.

I guess what spurred this thought in me was my recent chatting with strangers online. I got asked the “what do you look like” question and I thought to my self, “Well, I guess I could sugar coat the inevitable…” Before I knew it though, I was deleting everything I typed and writing what I would say to someone standing in front of me. The internet shouldn’t be a place you hide. It should be the place you would be if you were at a coffee shop, in line at the grocery store, waiting for the bus. The point is, be you. Be proud, there is probably not another one of “you” – thank gawd, lol. And if people don’t like what they see, then it’s a mutual loss. I wouldn’t hide standing in front of you and I won’t hide online behind “odizus”. My name defines me, but doesn’t entail all of me. It’s a big part of who I am and who I have become, but at the end of the day, it’s an alias. I am just a Jen, one “n”. ;-)

I hope my post today inspires you to be you. I am going to be me today and I am going to hope that I can show all the best parts of me before the day ends. (I only got 4 hours of sleep again insomnia… but I can work it…thank you coffee.)

Smile, the sun only rises and sets once a day; make sure to see at least one so you don’t regret missing these precious moments we take for granted. And if you missed them, stop and smell a flower. You might find it smells better than you remember. Unless you have my allergies and then it smells worse, lol. Point? Have fun!

(YES, the neon trees obession is still going strong!)

Two in One Day? AWESOME!

Odizus Means


In 2001, I was in summer school for 10th grade algebra (I think it was 2001 at least). I met a girl named Megan. She was a raver and at the time, I had no idea what this was, except cool(I later became a raver for the rest of my high school career). She came to me one day during class and said you shall be odiz from this day fourth and you will spell it O-D-I-Z. It was funny, but I didn’t think any thing of it. A few months later I was creating my yahoo screen name for online pool and I thought, oh crap, I need a good name. I tired a few that played with my real name but I hated them all. And then it hit me, I was named Odiz. Unfortunately, Odiz was taken by someone from Sweden. (Yea, I haven’t forgotten buddy!) So I sat and thought about what I could add to the name to make it mine with out adding numbers. Then it hit me! Who was looking for a screen name? Me, myself and I = us. Thus Odizus was created. My dad likes to make fun of me saying I misspelled odessyus, that Greek king from Ithaca and Google likes to ask me if I mean odious…lol.


Edited in: Ok, I have been thinking about it and I think it was 9th grade... I specifically remember being in gemotry class when the world trade center was hit... And you have to pass algebra to get into geomtry... I tell you, my memory is failing me... FAILING ME... There it's off my chest!!!!!

1983 is calling!

A Life in Need of an Update, Curse You Book of Faces...

I've got these habits that I can not, I've got these habits that I can't. I've got these habits that I can not ...

B R E A K ... 

Well, it’s official. I think I have a new favorite book. I just finished reading Laurell K. Hamilton’s “Skin  Trade”. It has to be her best work. Then again, I haven’t read the next novel in the series, “Bullet”… or the new one coming out in June, “Hit List”. I thought I was falling out of love with LHK’s work because it became a little too smutty; to the point where I couldn’t get through a chapter with out feeling the fire loins affect. It’s nice to see the actual story back, better than ever. I am glad she found that middle ground between story and smut. J I can enjoy both worlds with out the negative side effects of either, YAY! I didn’t mean to finish the book so quickly, but every word brought on more and more insomnia in me. I had to devour it before it devoured me. He he he. I’m glad that I did. The ending came so quick though. I was in the midst of a very exciting scene and then bam, the end. Lol, feels a little like life I guess. I want to read it again; maybe I missed something. My speed reading can miss whole paragraphs in my excitement.

It was a good time to find such an awesome read. I have been so sick for the last week and a half. I missed most of work last week. It’s not like me to miss work, even sick. But through my severe flu like symptoms, I guess I forgot to eat and I couldn’t move because of it. I was a little scared. Never felt weak in my life. I did a little research and it seems I went into some kind of sugar shock. Scary. But as soon as I started stuffing electrolytes down my throat, I could suddenly make a fist again. It’s the little things in life. I’m done being vegetarian. Three months was fun, but I need my “real” protein. I will increase my activity and it should fix anything thing I may have worried about. So win win. I thought eating was hard before, try taking meat and dairy out of the equation and it’s like putting a panda in the desert. Pandas only eat bamboo, I think, lol. Before I start changing things, I lived off mostly cheese and chicken; literally. It has definitely been a learning experience and I hope I learned something invaluable. I’m not going back to “just” cheese and chicken, but I can’t wait to try my first rare steak in months either. Drool.

And let me tell you what sick has done for my appearance… ever hear of a reverse make over? Yea, it’s that bad. More beast than beauty. I’m glad that a day where I actually feel more like old Jen finally came. I plucked them eye brows and poured just about every acne medicine I owned on my facial wreck. Pretty Jen is peeking through a little, yay! You think you are over vanity concerns until you catch a glimpse of your self in a window reflection and think, “Where’s the hunch back?” For me, my weakness is eye brows. I could be the prettiest girl in the room and if I had untidy eye brows, it wouldn’t be true to me. Stupid brows. Sometimes I wish I had the courage to shave them and just have them tattooed on, but Nah. I will just suffer with the rest of America and keep waxing them.

I am still obsessed with Neon Trees. Every song is better than the last. I woke up this morning humming 1983. The songs don’t have very many lyrics and the tunes are fairly simple. They just have that addicting “it” factor. I don’t know what it is or how you can get it…but I know when I hear it. It doesn’t hurt that the lead singer is really cute and has a hypnotic voice. Great, all I am missing now is all my band paraphernalia and an uncontrollable urge to scream at the band every time they are seen in public… Pass. I will just dance around my house with a fake microphone. It works for me. I feel like I found Paramore all over again. I heart you Haley Williams… ultimate dream? Paramore plays a set with Neon Tress, possible? A girl can dream.

Well the diary addition of “shiza Jen may or may not remember accurately” is complete. I had to get it out of my system. I turned off my face book and let me tell you how much has been on my chest since that went down. A bunch. Stupid mind controlling book of faces! Good times... Be well readers and eat better, you deserve it. :D 

Would ever dance with me like that? 

I can't Just post to post, I need inspiration to hear my words

Questions for questions, I've got a question.

...I don't want your lover...

So beautiful it creates an emotion you thought you lost. I have been lost. I started this blog to get over my past and live my life. I wanted to blog every day. Everything I loved turned to dust and I… I started to fade into my own bad memory. I had a song stuck in my head. I don’t know where I heard it. I had to hear it again. When I need to hear a song though, I need to hear it over and over again until my brain is satisfied. So, I downloaded the entire album. Butterflies! I haven’t felt this way in a long time. I feel sad. I feel mad. But to feel love. You can love a film, you can love a song, and you can love the weather. But can a song make you fall in love with your future before you have met it? Neon trees. I feel the butterflies that you get when you are falling in love.  Wishes I knew this love. And then I remember, I don’t look for love, love looks for me. I know I am not ready, but I guess you could say that life throws the best surprises at you when you least need them. I hear their words and they reach my soul. I want to jump up and down and sing every word with them. Simple like haiku but so much more is there. I feel young. I feel sexy. I feel like me before I was 23. Before I learned too much about the world. The point where you decide if this knowledge will affect me negatively. It doesn’t have to.... Dying is easy and life is hard because it has to. I don’t think life wants to be hard. It just wants to make survivors. I didn’t know how much I wanted to survive until now. You can live and just be an existence. Or you can live this one life likes it’s the only one you have. Even with reincarnation, each life is still the only one life of that life you will live. Live it grandly! Play me down a lover. Like we are under cover. Words are so amazing. Rhymes create a sensation in me that others would call euphoria. Although, I appear to have a jen-ism disorder, words bring me great pleasure. So much power. I am learning that keeping quiet is almost like foreplay. You, the out spoken goddess playing coy. Imagine the power. And although I love words, the less you say, the more you are actually saying. Nothing speaks louder than eyes. The eyes are the windows to the soul, but words are the door. Yes, I am a walking contradiction. Why do I have to pick just one fact and stick to it. These are a few of my favorite things… great memories are only a tune away. Music has saved my life time and time again. When it’s just me and me, down in the doldrums, struggling with my identity…another life saving opportunist is born to remind me why I chose to be here, still. I no longer need the fear of a false deity. Movies show us that love is stronger than hate. Thank you neon trees. I am finding myself and you have inspired emotion in me again. I can write words that feel like my body and soul are one, working together for a common goal. Yes! 

http://youtu.be/C36HAs5dWTk