My personal Pandora's box

There hasn’t been a lack of inspiration. More like an influx… Every time I put cursor to blank document though, I can’t see anything. My eyes blur up and the keys seem miles away. Maybe it’s a message for me to go many miles away. I can’t think or put my thoughts here anymore. Some of my posts were sad, but all in all, blogging made me happy. Sharing my crazy and finding out who I was. On July 22, 2011, that all went away. I lost my world. Relapsed into old Jen. I feel like an addict who finally got their gold coin of sobriety only to use that coin to pop the top on the liquor bottle or line up the crushed substance. I have a problem. No, it’s not drugs or alcohol. I can’t say what it is, but it doesn’t make me a good person. And at the end of the day, I hate myself more than yesterday. I just miss everyone. I feel like there is a hole in my heart. Spots I am keeping warm, in case “they” come back. They aren’t coming back. They never do. I know they leave because of me. The me I am relapsing into. Will I ever see the best parts of me? I know I created this reality. That doesn’t make it better, it just better places blame. It means that I am not good at the only job I am truly obligated to…

I didn’t want to write a sad blog. I won’t fake happiness . I am what I am. I can’t be who they want me to be. I can put on a mask long enough to peek their interest, but never long enough to keep them around. Do they leave or do I push them out. I am not even sure who they are. People, forced to interact for some greater purpose. Why am I still here?

I can’t write anymore. I just wanted you to know that I am not dealing well with all the people departing my life and I feel like I am falling into a hole I dug to deep to climb out of… But as per my personality, I will just wait for my Amber to find me. Working distracted me from the pain. Not working, I think about 9 years out the window because I wanted someone to be something they are not. I will lie here and see what comes along because that’s just who I am. If I end up buried alive, at least that what the reality I created. 

I am usually so anal about my posts. It takes me hours to write them because I read and re-read them over and over before I post them. I go over them, picking them apart, trying to figure out what other people are seeing. I wrote this one in 20 minutes and I have not re-read it. I don't want to feel the pain I felt when I started typing. They say that cameras can capture a part of your soul. I hope this blog is taking my bad emotions and locking them in a box. Thats how I got over someone who really hurt me. I envisioned all the pain I felt, trapped in a little wooden box in my heart. With little brass hinges and a lock. I used to worry the box would open... Now I just hope that I can fit more things in it. This post is a little of the thoughts in my head I hope to stuff in that box. I don't want to see them or read them. 

I couldn't say it better myself

Dun dun dun... Another one rides the bus.

If you have taken a bus recently and don't agree, I will call shanatigans! 

I can finally see it, my soul

I am not trying to be shallow, any picture would have done. But (drum roll please)  I have finally learned how to use the color splash technique on photo bucket (ok ok, I learned 2 months ago, but this is the first time I did it on my own picture.)

I guess you could say that I have always had a weird obsession with eyes. Every boy that I crush on, it's the eyes baby. Well, and the dark hair...I can't recall ever being with any a light haired men. Weird. Now you know 2 things about me, I love eyes and blonds should dye their hair dark if they want a chance with Jen. Woo!

I promise I am not being vain, although the compliments this week are making it difficult not to run down to the court house, mirror in hand. I just wanted you to see what I see. When there is no distraction, no other color and your eyes are forced to focus on one area of a picture, what do you see? I saw my soul. There it is, whispering questions to me through the windows that are my eyes. Helping me to fulfill my life mission by never being satisfied with my current knowledge base.

But don't be fooled. Although my outside (neck up) is tolerable to stare at, I am by no means beautiful. Why do I say this? Because beauty is on the inside and I am filled with dark crippling hatred. Until I can learn to let it go, I will always be the Frankenstein monster on the other side of my reflection.

Ready?

Taken June 28, 2011, @ Work

Pondering: "________________?" 

Did you see it? My thought captured in that precise moment by the camera? I did. What was I thinking?

The world may never know.

DISCLAIMER:*This picture was not altered in any way. I simply erased all color from the photo with a click of a button and then indicated the area where I wanted the color returned. This was the actual color of my eyes at this moment. Sometimes they are hazel with green around the iris and sometimes they are a golden brown. I guess it depends on the weather. I added color back to my lips at one point and decided to remove it because it looked a little clown-ie, lol.*

Any minute now...the sun always rises tomorrow...

Nothing compares to that feeling of losing something. Whether it’s losing at the reality of life or whether it is losing something you hold dear. In some cases, it feels like both. I like to prepare my hours for the week on Monday so that I am less flustered on Friday. The first day of July (This Friday) was grayed out and I panicked. I thought, oh, this is how they let me know that Thursday is my last day. I held it together long enough to call my agency. Apparently my contract was through to July 1^st, but my assignment hasn’t indicated that they wanted it to officially end yet, so I am working on getting Friday active again on my hours screen. This fright has made my numbered days feel like numbered minutes. Every temp knows that any day could be the last day. Not thinking those thoughts is what separates the good temps from the bad temps. I am finding it harder and harder to be positive though. I sometimes wish that I had not showed interest in the permanent position. Then this would be like any other assignment. A job that needs to get done by someone. Someone like me, who chose to be apart of the uneducated class.

It doesn’t help that Monday’s are always the worse for me. Not in the way that everyone hates Monday. I am not sure I hate Mondays. I just always feel like I am getting over a small case of agoraphobia every Monday. I stay locked up in my house all weekend, not saying a word, not doing much and then I am thrust back into society where I must smile and socialize. I want to run and go hide in my house, all alone. But I come back to work every Monday because the fear of losing my house is stronger than the fear of leaving it for 10 hours. I hope that one day, I won’t actually develop agoraphobia. After all, it’s all in my head and I control my head. I think therefore I do.

I have such anxiety this morning.

Just thinking about my numbered minutes. Sometimes my boss walks by my desk and I think, this is it. This is the moment that she will tell me my world is over. I find myself avoiding her out of fear. Like, if you can’t find me, you can’t release me. It’s silly and childish. I want to feel immature though. I want to hide in a cupboard and watch all the adults as they look for me. I look down at the finger tips pressing the keys to this blank document and I think, “These are not the hands of a child.” I can’t remember the day that I grew up but I look all around me and it’s evident that I am no longer a child and I haven’t been one for some times. I wish I could remember the exact moment when I crossed that line. Maybe it wasn’t a line but a series of achievements that just finally won me the grand prize. Like, Jen, you have done this, done that and survived this, you are ready to be a boring member of the society you loathe so much. Lovely, but what now? Is acting like I know to fool the younger generation apart of the package? I thought people my age hit 25 and magically, they knew the answers to all those questions. But in reality, I just got better at acting like I did. I wish I had learned the answer rather than learning how to deal with the unknown. I don’t want to deal. I want to know.

I feel lost, but I know that I have the tools to look found. If I looked how I felt, how different would my life really be? Seems like I would be worse off. I should count my blessing and be thankful my last minute isn’t this one.

Happy Monday readers.  

Good news! I now have a proper diagnosis, I’m a __________ !! What?

I don't know how to explain my recent life best. I want to use the word roller coaster except I think you have to go up in order to go down. I'd say it's been more of a plateau with a cliff. That being said, I can't tell if I am sitting at the bottom of the cliff preparing for the next plateau or the next cliff.

I had some recent dominoes topple and I'm not sure what the end result will be. It's not about being scared of the unknown; it's about fearing the educated guess of possibilities. I could tell myself things will be alright because they have to...and that would be the positive outlook on a slightly dim situation. However, I'm not in the business of lying to myself. Experience tells me that my taking the last 3 months for granted is about to bite me in the ass. Easy come easy go. I'm slowly realizing that a lot of hard work in my early 20's may have made the rest of my life a breeze. But I'm me and there's no way me at 20 would have heard anything past the words "more school". I cringe a little today just thinking about it...meh.

The door to my current employment is closing and not in a super negative or bad way; just a door that someone else needs open more than me. I'll find another door and I'll walk through fearless because I know that I chose this reality. I don't know for certain what doors are available for me, but I know that I'll be ready when the time comes. I can be upset and frustrated my last hours, days or weeks on this assignment or I can bust my butt and prove to another company that temps are a wonderful resource for future needs. My current road is looking like I’m going to be a career temp. I love change, learning new things and I'm a great gopher. Plus, when people get to know me and realize that I'm not the most socially accepted, I can just move on to a new set of strangers. I'm not going to lie, I feel like I have family at my current assignment; a mom, a big sister, an aunt and even a brother. But I can't think about silly things like that. This isn't an episode of the office. This is my real life with real people working for some unknown goal. The goal that will make these hardships in life worth it. What lessons am I learning or even possibly teaching? I won't know until I am at the end. And even then, maybe I won't want to know.

I have had a lot of inspiration to express my self recently. I didn’t put cursor to blank word document maybe because I was unclear about how to express my self positively. When all people see is your negative side, you begin to morph into only your negative side. There was a recent south park episode that just really hit a nerve with me. Because again, it was like looking in a mirror. It was the episode where Stan turns 10 years old and a new music comes out called Tween Wave (which sounds a lot like electronic music, hardy har har south park jerks). Any who, all the adults in the episode hear people literally taking a poop when ever they try to listen to the younger generation’s music and vice versa when the kids try to listen to Bob Dylan, lol, good times. It’s obviously a hilarious twist to everyone saying “your music sounds like crap”. The part that I could relate to is when all of a sudden Stan hears the crap noises from both the young music and the old music. And before you know it, he is seeing crap every where. When people talk, crap is literally falling out of their mouth. He goes to see the doctor for his alignment and is diagnosed with non other, the Cynical Asshole Syndrome. Well crap. This is me in a nut shell. Someone in my life even said to me the other day, “You really don’t see good things when you look at the world, do you Jen?” No, I see how the world really is. I am not negative, but I can pretend to be positive if that will make the people in my life happy. I know deep down though, the world is not made of rainbows and butterflies. But I promise to stop cramming my views down your throats. I’m not a Christian; I know when to stop preaching. I will say this, when I am pretending to be positive, I do feel better about my existence. Don’t tell the masses though; faking a positive outlook is like smiling through the pain. Try it, you might find it really uncomfortably hard.  But maybe, just maybe, the more I fake, the more real it can become for me. Like gluing rose colored glasses to my face. Eventually, I won’t know they are there. (Because my bad memory, remember?)

Having squeezed this much inspiration out of me, I think I am ready to end this post and eat my raw almonds for breakfast. YUM!

Have a happy Thursday, one more day till freedom Friday!  

I think I am a square, in denial.

I went to bed last night with a question burning on my mind. I woke feeling like I just sat through the 2^nd viewing of a movie hoping the outcome would be different. The outcome is always the same; never changing because it can not change. I am not in a movie; I change. I can be more than the words that I type or whisper. I can be more than the lies I recite hoping no one can see through the ruse. I am a good person… I am a good person…I thought I was a good person. I need to know if I can be the kind of good person I want to be. Standards so high, the intention is really to fail. Did you know that about me? My question was, am I living a stereotype in denial? I knew the answer before I knew the question. Sometimes the question is the answer. This question was my answer. Knowing doesn’t feel good though. It is good to know the truth. The truth can set you free. They say that this is half the battle. I have always been half way done then. It feels more like I haven’t taken one step forward in a while. In fact, feels more like I am walking in the prints I already left. My foot doesn’t fit… I am making the prints bigger, wider, and fatter. Buddha says you are what you say you are. Not literal in the way that I can say, I am a bird (Literal in more of how words have power.) If you say you will fail before you start, you have already failed. This is why I have so many words. I want to succeed before I start. You can talk so much that walking becomes impossible; A task that you put on a pedestal too high to reach. I talked up a good story with no intention of living it out… If I stop talking, will I live my dreams instead?

I thought I was shaped like a star being forced through a square slot. I just found out I was always a square, fitting precisely where I created my self to fit. Why did I create a square if I wanted a star? They say that you can not solve a problem if you don’t get to the root and pluck it out from there. I don’t understand this concept. I understand how they relate, I just don’t understand how someone who doesn’t know me can pluck a root I can not reach. If I can’t do it alone, what makes you think your guidance will help? A back seat driver in my own car of life. I can do this by myself…I can do this by my self; I need to do this by myself, stop looking at me. Leave me alone. I can do it. I can’t do it.

I thought I could, but in the middle of reaching for independence, I became more dependant than ever. This time, no one was there to be my crutch. Is it a sign of strength when you tell your self no to something you always given your self in the past? I reached out of my rabbit hole, tried pulling my self out with expectations set in stone… It was not what I expected and I fell in deeper. I am almost too deep that there is no return. What happens if I can’t make it out again… will someone save me? Is that why I keep falling…I am waiting to be saved, by my crutch, my new crutch.

I heard that when a child has so much tyranny shoved down their throat, they never develop into an individual. They develop as always apart of something-someone else. I was so angry when I heard this. I wanted to hug my self and cry and scream. My sister said that crying never solves anything. I have seen it cure people. But she is right, it will never cure me. It is only a constant reminder of what I am missing and still searching for… perhaps this is that root that I can not locate. Maybe I was looking in the wrong place. It’s not fair to place blame. You need to move forward and think about now. I hear my self saying that I don’t blame anyone, but in my heart, I can hear the blame game. I can hear my self getting angry at myself for being me. I hear my self cursing the day I was born. Repeating the same verbal abuse I grew accustomed to…

Words are so powerful. Most comments are made with an once of truth. It is not common to form words into a sentence you didn’t piece together one time or another. You thought about it, consciously or sub-consciously. Whether it was your intent to ever vocalize it or not is the part where people aren’t thinking. “I didn’t think before I spoke”… you thought, that is how words are formed, thinking. You just didn’t think about the cause and the effect. Some effects are not instantaneous…some slowly eat away at you until you are left with nothing. Inception, the movie - see it, and you will see my meaning. An idea planted, but unlike the movie, I know who planted my ideas. I can’t unplant them because I can not find their root. I am so lost in my own mind looking for the root. I need to unplant the root. Unplant the idea…Unplant the... I can’t find it… it doesn’t want to be found.

A virus for my soul?

So smart… It makes me think I am strong and smart and beautiful. I am scared, I am witty and mean. I selectively look in the mirror and I see the traits I desire. I see the star shape. I am walking past a huge reflective window and in my peripheral vision, I see it. What was that! Is that me! It can’t be me, I don’t look like that. I don’t talk like this. I am not her! What is this trick, stop it now. Stop looking at me! I break the window. It’s ok now, there is no square there. Just Jen as a star. Always as a bright shining star. Reality finally hits me like a ton of bricks. I am not a star. I am not kind and beautiful. It hurts to break down the mirrors in my mind. It hurts-make it stop. Everyday, a new one cracks and I see a little bit more of what you are seeing. Life makes sense. They are not jealous of me. They don’t even like me. The honest ones, they were always jerks and assholes. Maybe they were my only true friends. I am in a dark room and there is one huge mirror, staring at me from across the room. Star Jen is gone. I see this thing, this Frankenstein creation staring at me. It’s eyes move when I move mine. It’s nose crinkles up when I crinkle mine. It’s hands reaches up to touch the mirror at the same exact spot my hand touches. This is really me. This is really what I look like. This is really what I sound like. I hate this person. I can’t stand this person. How did this happen. The past is foggy. One memory at a time, I see the binging. I see the emotion coping mechanisms. I see the cruelty. Who created you! Why are you here! All I can do now is accept and change.

If I don’t change it… I might as well load the gun and shoot. End it quickly rather than endure the agony. I tell people, if I get cancer, I want pancreatic cancer. It kills you almost as fast as you can get diagnosed. I don’t want to struggle for years. I want the decision set in stone and followed through… I have a type of cause and effect created soul cancer. It won’t kill me today and I will probably live tomorrow. But there will not be a whole lot of tomorrows. Fewer and fewer with each breathe. I hope that the lesson in the life is the journey back from this. I hope that I reach my goal and I die a star. I can’t die a square. I won’t die a square. I will not be a square…

Summer of Opportunity !?!?!?!?!?!?!

From time to time, I get this itch to experience what I “think” I’m missing in life. I usually dive in head first before it becomes clear why I was not experiencing this opportunity in the first place; like buying an Xbox 360. I see all these (super cute) boys beating each other on the battle field and I think to my self, oOoOoOoO!  I play their games only to realize that I can’t stay alive even when I hide, lol. (Yes, I took the Xbox back to the store.) I’m not complaining, there is obviously a learning curve.  However, I could save the $300 and go watch boys for free at Game Works…which reminds me: Note to self, visit Game Works this weekend. Muhahahahaha!

The same can be said for any out door activity.  Ok, so I am a princess.  I camp with all my bedding that I can possibly fit into a car and look for any possible reason to stay inside a coffee shop while people observing from the air conditioned establishment.  This summer, I want to dive in head first.  Yes, yes. I just said that I’m a leaper before a looker but there has to be something to this “Out Door Activity” thing that people look forward to every year.  Swimming, running, Frisbee, volley ball, tennis… these could be fun.  And to camp the hard way… a simple tent with one pillow and one sleeping bag… I am still debating that one. But I could go for a great big camp fire, with marshmallows and hot dogs on a stick *DROOL* … good times.  Or even some skinny dipping. Woo!  I don’t want to be a couch potato this year.  In fact, I am debating selling my couch.  Or at least moving it out of the living room so that I have to either or stand or be out and about.  That’s right, I said it.   I am done being an in-doorsey.  I am not trying to be bear grills now…baby steps - really small baby steps.  But I eventually want to camp on a beach and wake up to the smell of the ocean.  Sigh.  Or go out to a field of grass and roll around in it collecting wild flowers.  I haven’t done that since I was 13?  I get so consumed by technology and my professional life that I have forgotten how to enjoy wild Jen.  Getting dirty and not caring how the stain will come out.  Messing up my hair and face and just living in the moment.  Man, I haven’t had dirt in my hair in years.  I think I need some, and not in the spa weekend way. J  That’s it, I’m getting dirty this summer and I am doing it with out make-up and with out a care in the world! June is about to be here…I think I am too late to grow my own pumpkin for Halloween, but there is always next year. I have wanted to do that for so long… I will put it on my calendar: Get pumpkin seeds, get big pot and grow pumpkin for Halloween 2012.  I have to celebrate the end of days somehow. (Isn’t 2012 the year the world ends because the Mayan calendar ends, crazies… lol.)

So that is the plan Stan. Be active! Plus I read on the news headlines that being more active at a younger age encourages a stronger memory for old age. I already have too many senior moments… I need to start counter acting now! *Starts push-up, but falls* Ok, maybe I will start with something simpler, baby steps!

I will be at Folk Life all day Saturday, May 28th @ the Seattle Center volunteering, come see me!

My Song...

Every few months, a song comes out on the radio that just embodies a memory or an emotion for all of us. Sometimes it feels like the song writer channeled you and your specific situation. Every now and again though, there is a song that transcends the petty daily emotions we all go through and embodies the entire package that is you. I don’t think it happens that often, because I can only think of less than 5 songs that this sensation has occurred for me personally. One song in particular… every word, every note, it feels like I wrote this song to explain myself to others. If I could have a life thus far anthem, it would be this song. I got the lyrics and pasted them below. I want you to see me verse by verse. The scary part is that I am not only in one verse… it’s every word. Sometimes, I worry that I am working towards a goal that will never let me see the best parts of me. I always feel like I am given a new chance at life every day I wake up. I still believe I will marry a king even if I don’t believe in the constitution of marriage. And I know that people live in their own personal fantasies unwilling to and not ready to accept the reality that life is what you make it. However, like Lola, I am working on it.

Lola: I can't Take It 

I woke up early and it was a sunny day 

Soon as I went outside that's when it started raining 

Rushed and got in my car pull out my driveway and on my way to work 

Got stuck in two hour traffic. 

And I can't Lie 

Seems like the more I try 

The more I realize 

That I might not never see the best of me 

But I can't cry 

cause hey im still alive still got a chance at life 

Just wanna be happy 

But the facts remaining. 

Wanna go off everytime something goes wrong 

Cause I can't take it 

Tell me is it me or is it this society 

Cause I can't Take it 

When I look around wanna scream out hit the ground 

Cause I can't take it 

But Im But Im But Im 

Im Working on it, Working on it. 

I want so many things 

When I was young I dreamed , that I'd marry a king 

My daddy called me princess 

But in reality those things will never be 

Ain't no celebrity, but won't catch me complaining 

And I can't Lie 

Seems like the more I try 

The more I realize 

That I might not never see the best of me 

But I can't cry 

cause hey im still alive still got a chance at life 

Just wanna be happy 

But the facts remaining. 

Wanna go off everytime something goes wrong 

Cause I can't take it 

Tell me is it me or is it this society 

Cause I can't Take it 

When I look around wanna scream out hit the ground 

Cause I can't take it 

But Im But Im But Im 

Im Working on it, Working on it. 

Most people live, inside their fantasies 

Don't wanna see the truth,(they don't wanna see the truth) but life is what you make it 

And they'll do anything to even up the score 

Just trying to get a little bit more, Just trying to get a little bit more 

So only Trust yourself, and do what works for you 

Listen to no one else, 

I bet you you'll be happy 

So don't you hesitate, aint got no time to waist 

Just trying to get a little bit more, Just trying to get a little bit more 

Wanna go off everytime something goes wrong 

Cause I can't take it 

Tell me is it me or is it this society 

Cause I can't Take it 

When I look around wanna scream out hit the ground 

Cause I can't take it 

But Im But Im But Im 

Im Working on it, Working on it. 

And they'll do anything 

THING THING THING THING 

Just trying to get a little bit more 

Just Trying to get a little bit more 

And They'll Do anything 

THING THING THING THING 

Oh 

Oh yeah

Just trying to get a little bit more

What’s the song that embodies you? Think about it, maybe you haven’t found it yet or maybe you didn’t know it was your song

A battle to the bitter end. Will I die good or evil?

 I wrote a blog yesterday that took me hours (4 probably) to complete. I still have not posted it. At first, I thought I was simply being lazy. But the more I think about it, the more I realize how much I hate it. I'll tell you why. I have kept two diaries in my entire life. I still have both and I add to one periodically. I have only had these two in my life because I only wrote things down when I needed to be sad or mad and no one was there to listen. Through out the years, I have read the entries in the diaries and I have never finished reading with out crying. It's like I am living through the emotion of those moments all over again. I used to leave my diary around because I wanted someone to read it and give me their impression. Were they offended? Were they sad? Annoyed? Could they even get through it...? Unfortunately, everyone in my life appears to respect boundaries... Go figure. My blog entry yesterday written but never posted...I feel my anger and my despair. I don't want strangers to see that side of me. Many many factors can be perceived entirely different than their intended purpose because someone took a snap judgment. I like to think that I am human enough to embody every emotion. Some of my emotions are darker than I would advertise. I can't explain the flip from good to evil, but I can feel the change in my bones. I know when my not so kind side is breaking free. It's a constant battle. I tried to embrace it several times thinking, it's better to go with the current than against it...I enjoyed it too much. Like the cat who got the canary. The cat catches the canary to eat, but do they really need to play with it before, during and after the little bird's death? They obviously enjoy it.

I'm a strong believer in Karma, that what you put out into the world, you get back 3 fold. Yes, I'm guilty of not doing what I preach. Knowing my rude behavior could warrant me consequences; I still open my mouth and shove my foot in ankle deep. Maybe I like the taste? Maybe your reaction feeds my evil side? Maybe I can't learn? Some people learn the hard way. Are there people who don't learn...by choice? When I was 19, I was working in a retail store while attending a technical college. I'm not gonna lie, I'm can be a drama queen. That technical college was teaming with drama. If only I knew then what I know now...would I still say and do the things that I did? I hope that I'm choosing to learn from my mistakes. But any who, there was a month that was particularly bad. I said and did some things I'm not proud of. I bit my tongue; no big deal. Except the hole kept getting bigger and worse. To the point that I couldn't speak very well and it hurt to speak. I was convinced that my evil tongue was being punished. I worried for days; even tried apologizing and being sincere. I was like a whole new Jen because I feared karma. But like a criminal sorry for getting caught, my tongue healed and I was old Jen again. This was probably the first time I realized that I could control the urge to see others in pain. Not pain in a serial killer way, emotional anguish. People are like sheep to slaughter. So easy to manipulate, easily lead into danger believing there are no wolves. Most of all, the look of surprise when it clicks. This person does not mean me good will. A smart person thinks you are all wolves until you are a sheep. Are you a wolf or lost among the flock? I don't think wolf means evil %100 of the time. Maybe it simply means, you're unplugged from the matrix. Having said that, knowledge is power, and power is easily corruptible. Here, we make the connection to evil. There's a reason Politian’s lie. There's a reason the military has secrets. And there are many reasons why it's best of you shut your eyes, plug your ears and think happy thoughts. Does knowing something change it? Very rarely. So my question to you… why even know? Memory erasers are not yet commercially available. Give it time though. I'm not a conspiracist. I just hear the same rumors you hear and I take from them a sense of fantasy. Did I take the blue pill or the red pill? I can't remember...

Mother, Am I?

Pondering my life since I read a fact about my family, often forgotten, I realize I'm afraid to post. If my blog is uninteresting or boring...it would be better for me not to post. Save this space for better entertainment. What fact? That I come from a long line of narcissism. Is that such a bad thing? People might mistake it for confidence. Isn't being confident a good thing? Pride, self worth, happiness...this can all be under one umbrella. Under a positive light. It's not only the fear of people hating my blog. It has infected my love life. I think I am too selfish to love. Friends, lovers, children...sacrifices need to be made. Some don't feel like much of a sacrifice. Until you're a month in and you realize that you can't remember life before them. You can't remember you...Change is something that happens when you truly want to reach a specific goal. You can not cross every finish line first as you are now because no one is that perfect. I'm ok with not being perfect. It not only gives me an outlet to express my self creatively but it also immensely entertains me.

Me, me, me. The world once evolved around it. Until I met strong enough people to put me in my place. Perhaps I lost those strong traits in the people I abandoned. Did they keep me grounded? Has my world become so about me and the things that I want that I have digressed? I would hate to think that even self centered twits care enough to ask these questions. I once seriously thought about being a mother. My first thought wasn't if I could do it, even if it was everyone elses. Mine was if I would be any good at it. Would she get the life she deserves or suffer my same fate. The apple never falls far from it's tree. As my seed blossoms and I become a tree...it's funny how I see my mother in me more and more. And I think, no child deserves that. I have this same thought with all my relationships. Friends, family...lovers. I can be alone, because when you've seen what I have seen, loneliness is the best road. I would rather wake up every morning alone if it meant that I could stay me. The sane me. The tree that isn't so apple after all. Barren of fruit but full of wisdom. Some paths are best for others.

This isn't sad. Accepting truth, for me, is about moving past the emotions. Realizing that not all truths are kind. I knew a man who introduced me to the phrase: it is what it is. At the time, I spent a lot of time and effort trying to figure out what he meant. I know now that his vagueness was a cover for his deceit. I still took his phrase with me and I use it almost every day. It has become a release from my own internal cage of control. Why this, what that, when, where, how...who! Breathe in-breath out, it is what it is. Simple, carefree, just free. No biggie.

I asked someone recently if they were afraid of getting sick when interacting with patients at a hospital. He said to me that fear is no way to live your life. Every time I write an entry, I learn something new about my self. I am learning that I'm afraid of myself. Many people fear being alone. I fear other things, but summed up, I fear failure. I fear myself failing my own expectations. I expect my self to be sane, on time, reliable but most of all, not to be like her. I want to be me. The me that is not like her. My thoughts are unkind, I know. If I were her, I would feel really sad that my daughters felt this way. I'm so sorry. I am really really sorry. I wish things had turned out differently, however some scars are deeper than to the bone. Some can reach your soul. I don't regret my upbringing. I am who I am. It is done and I am happy. I just want you to know that I am not going to fear posting any more. If you like my words, thank you. If you do not, thank you but let’s talk. I want to be better and your wisdom can take me there. Let's get there together.

On a side note, reading my blog over and over looking for grammar errors and sentences that make no sense, I realize I type exactly how I think. Except thankfully, I don’t type all my mental tangents. Sometimes I feel like a Libra with my head in the clouds, lol. I’m glad that I type my actual thought process. Makes me feel a little less crazy every time I post. Sigh.

I think I am happy... Is this what it feels like?

I had a mini crisis this week, my landlord called me at work and I answered the call. Idiot. You think that after years of bad landlord experiences, I’d learn to not answer their calls, while at work. She dropped some heavy vague double meaning like phrases in our 5 minute chat. Bottom line, be more on top of my recycling and garbage or else. She never said or else and an ultimatum was never mentioned, but vagueness to an over thinker is cruel and unusual torture; especially with Seattle’s “beat around the bush” and “sugarcoat” attitudes. These locals would rather be nice than upfront. It took me a little over a week after that phone call to get my house clean and the trash sorted from the recycling, but I did it!! So I fell a little behind. It’s been a very bad last 6 months and I guess I just stopped caring. Between the car drama and my 25^th birthday (Not listing everything in between like losing two different jobs), I just really gave up on life. At one point, the condition of my house kept me alive. I couldn’t imagine leaving my mess for someone else to clean up. (Watching CSI has shown me that this is a common thought process for most suicidal women.)  I am not publically admitting this because I need help or I am at risk now. I am telling you, my readers, because I over came those obstacles. I used to reach out to close friends and family, but I became that “Oh, she’s at it again. Sorrow fests and fishing for compliments.” I realized that what ever keeps me here needs to come from me. At the end of the day, it’s my reflection that I have to answer to. Talking to my landlord a few days ago, she expressed that she really wanted my place clean for me too. That it could really help improve my mood and make me a happier person. So far, I think she is right. My house smells like apples and I can find socks! Already a huge improvement.

I made some decisions a couple of months ago, cutting my past off from my present. Sometimes, I miss the people I left, and then I think how drama free my life has become. How I am no longer sad or mad all the time. Sometimes I get irritated on the bus…those people really need to learn etiquette. Be aware of your surroundings because unlike other Seattleites, I will say something to your rude behavior. Any who, I just feel better and better everyday. The elevators at my work have been in construction since before I started working there. I work on the 3^rd floor, so at first, it was hard! Especially since I do tasks that require me to frequent the 1^st floor. This last Thursday, the work was completed. I have been in them once and it was because I was running late for my bus and I forgot to post a sign on the 1^st floor. It was a matter of being late or really late. I have to say, I feel so much better the more I climb those stupid stairs. I would really like to continue doing so. There are going to be times when I will have to take the elevator, like when I need to deliver supplies or if my boss is talking to me and I have to follow her. But I know that I will make the right decision. And hopefully, I will make the decision to find an inexpensive gym. I happen to work right next to 24 hr fitness, but good lord. They want my arm and leg in membership fees. And if you are not a member, they really make you suffer. They might as well be asking for my first born. There is always the non-gym working out? Lol…if you know me at all, you know that hell will freeze over before you catch me running around the block every morning. *chuckles* good times. It’s like I always say, you will only catch a Jen running if the last bus is leaving…or if the next bus isn’t for an hour… Even then, it really depends what stores are around and what’s open. :D

I am writing this, because I want you to know that I am finally starting to feel an improvement in my life. I thought I was getting fatter there for a second, but it must have been water weight because my clothes are finally feeling looser. Things are really starting to look up for me. Sakura con was the best event I have ever been to and I think I made some friends. They are pretty funny on face book. It’s nice to have friends that embrace technology… It’s not going away, might as well assimilate. I love my job more and more with each passing day and I think I am really getting the hang of it. I hope that my co-workers feel the same about me. In fact, I am sure they like me as much as I like them. I know that I make a lot of them laugh. Laughing is important. It cures just about any thing you can encounter in a work week. My house is almost clean! If only my sister was here to do a once over. No one gets a house sparkling like she does. But it’s ok, I am hoping to get a maid in here to do a once over. Things that require you to be on your knees, like floor scrubbing and wall wiping. I wasn’t built for that kind of labor… All in all, I feel like the past is finally behind me. I am ready to live my life and I am actually living it! YAHOO! And, best news of all, I actually have energy after work. I get home, I sit down and think, “How late can I be out drinking and still be home in time to get u at 6am?” I used to get home and pass the heck out. Now I just want to be alive. With it getting warmer and sunnier, I may act my age this summer. I would like to go camping, do a bar-b-que, swim and drink a lot. It’s the summer I will actually enjoy! Are you with me? If you got awesome plans this summer, let m know! I want to go too!