HURT

Today I woke up sad. Sad that I didn't believe in God and yet, I prayed for a miracle. I prayed that I would just sleep forever. Waking up is so hard. Too hard. The loneliness has crept in so deep that it's choking my very soul. Crying has become my new normal. Stuck in this perpetual moment of heartbreak and even after the rain has cleared, I sit with no rainbows. No sunshine. No butterflies or even puppy dogs. I cry until my eyes hurt and my chest feels like it will explode. I youtube videos on self affirming yourself out of a panic attack. I lie, out loud, because it feels more true when my ears can hear it. Everything is ok. Everything is not ok. You will get through this. You're caving into your own self deprecating mountains of failure. Why me? Why was I born? Why am I still here? Why won't you take me! I hate God. I hate that I'm this walking oxymoron that can't do anything right. I don't want to live but I can't kill myself. So I try to take deep breathes until my chest aches a little less; and then I pray. Mortals. We don't believe in magic but we hope our spells will work anyway. Is that why I'm still alive. I don't believe in god, but I wish he'd step up anyway? I find myself lingering at work. Things I could do tomorrow, I do them now. I've always been a procrastinatorr and suddenly, I'm Johnny on the spot. Anything to keep me from going home. I'll work for free, but please don't make me go home. Please. Silence. No one can hear my prayers. No one cares. Maybe this oxymoron is tired. Maybe it's time. You cut vertical. It only hurts for a moment. And then you never have to hurt again. What lesson am I learning. Isn't 30 years enough. Is it all in my head. Am I really sick and just unmediated or am I lazy, inconsiderate, good for nothing... I'm 6 years old again. Sitting in a box. It's black. Pitch black. I'm locked inside. I was bad again. I don't understand. I never understand. Other children don't feel this. I think we'd all have said something by now. It's just me. The odd one out. No one likes me. No one wants me around. I'm 6. And my mother says to me, how she has to love me but that doesn't mean she likes me. Bad girls look down. I watch my feet as the years go by. I'm 15. My mom asks, why do I look at my feet all the time? I respond, bad girls look down. I'm 25 and I realize, I'm still watching my feet. People I know, pass me. I have no idea. It's me and my feet. That's all I can see. I'm now 30, writing this and thinking about those god damn feet. I'm so broken. Unmarried and let's face it, not in any relationship longer than a few months. Or even what anyone would have ever considered healthy. Friends. What are those. I abandoned my cat. Now I live off my mother and her husband. Lucky I'm not holding a sign on a street corner but praying every night that I have a heart attack or just stop breathing. Fragile humans and it feels like I'm immortal. What is this! The tears have stopped. I feel less suicidal but just as lonely. I have no one. My mom isn't talking to me. Patrick isn't talking to me. I broke their TV. Because that's the type of person I am. Bad girls look down. Fuck. How much more can someone cry? I feel so weak and stupid and everything else I know I'm not supposed to feel. It hurts. Everything. From my toes to the top of my head. When will it end. How much longer until my karma sentence is up. Bad girls look down. Everything is not ok.

Judgey McJudgerson Speaking

I can look at a person and tell you everything wrong with them. After a 15 minute conversation, I can tell you more. I look at my own reflection and all I see is how I am like you. But I am really not like you. Judgement is such a confusing issue in my life. I can see where it inspires some to improve their own imperfections. Then I see how it further cripples others. Where do I stand? I think I am in denial. I cannot live up to my own standards so I pretend the bad parts of me do not exist. Every now and again though, I am reminded how different I am. How I honestly have no room to judge. He who cast the first stone and what not.

And yet, I cannot help my ever need to vocalize my opinion. I do not tell you my judgement to hurt your feelings or to put myself on a pedestal. I worry that I see something that you cannot. Strangers on a bus would not point out a booger. So when I do, it is because I think of you as a friend. I can see the hurt fall on their faces though. When it was more than just a boogie hanging. Hear their disappointment. Were they in denial too? Or did I really just cross a line?

They say a cornered animal will fight tooth and nail. Is that what your words were to me? Did I accidentally corner you in my misguided attempt to help? I didn't know. But you were successful in opening my eyes a little too. I cannot say I really enjoy being pulled out of denial. It is my warm happy spot where I can toss my pain. My very own Pandora's box, with yes, hope on the bottom.

So the answer is yes. Everything you said was right. I really am that kind of person. I read somewhere, probably on Facebook, that you develop your personality by age 4. If people don't change, then you've known me my entire adult life. Even had the ability to see the imperfections I could not see about myself. Especially the ones standing between us now.

And yes, I have not been there or gone through those specific life experiences, but I know what my eyes see and my ears hear. I have heard you say that you should work hard to keep the good aspects of your life with you as long as you can. But you also should not have to work so hard to be happy. When the bad outweighs the good. You can't change people because people don't change. All you can do is slowly learn more of their secrets and determine if this is the deal breaker or if you're in it for more. I can't force you to see my point of view, no matter how you rationalize bad behavior or try to take back words said. But I beat this dead horse and so casually pass judgement because I'm ruled by my own fear. Are you breaking? Will you end up broken? Can I prevent it? Do the failed attempts to prevent the inevitable result in my own undoing? Am I the only one who sees an inevitable negative outcome?

I have more questions than answers. I just hope that where ever you are and whom ever you with has you safe. That's all my judgement has ever been. An emotion I could not convey any other way.

Until next time. You are still my one and only.

End of life chapter (insert #)

My Only One - Can we make it through this?

Once upon a time I had a blog that I very much enjoyed. Like a public diary that the masses could view and comment about. I made it private when I realized that I write from my soul. For me, that place can be dark and misinterpreted. Even to the extreme of unforeseen consequences. It's ok not to be happy and to work it out on a public platform. Gawd knows my generation already status updates every time they sit on the pot or blow their nose. So with out further ado, I present Odizus: reunion tour.

Disclaimer: I have several blog posts - made private of course, because I want you to know who I am now and not who I was. I made public the generic postings of course. ^_^

As some of you may know, I'm a very black and white person. Ask my boss. The answer is yes or no. But just between you and me, I'm also human. I can't honestly say I don't have a few grey areas...

For instance, word definitions. As a person ruled by their emotions, the meaning of any given word at anytime could mean something else. What's happy? Is it smiling all the time? My face doesn't bend like that naturally. It honestly hurts after a day of falseness. You want a smile, be you! And make it funny, please.

Then there is dating. I don't date. Does being alone mean or make me unhappy? I get lonely, but for human interaction. I know I'm loved and I have my people. I just can't imagine letting the whole world in to my little secret society. It's been since February and I'm just now really warming up to a co-worker who wasn't always my favorite person. I'm selective. So, if I'm that picky with co-workers, people I absolutely have to be around professionally, then why would I settle for less with my heart? It doesn't help that I'm a difficult person. But If they're worth it though, we can find a way.

I'm reopening this blog because I found someone worth it. Not romantically, but that end all, we're in this until our dying breathe. But something is going terribly wrong. Maybe we've reached that defining moment when we ask ourselves, how long is forever? Sometimes knowing someone for a long time just means you've known them for that long. I like to think that I've known us for that long. People grow, but they never change. Perhaps, their eyes were never really open because I'm pretty sure my true colors were always right out there on the table. Or was it I who just vocalized my discontent for life too frequently? I thought true friends were honest. How much is too much? How little does it take to make your friendship just another mundane "acquaintance"?

I care. I care so much I wish for sticks and stones because your words cut so deep. If it were ANYTHING else, I could just apologize and make it go back the way it was. But it's honestly so much more complicated. You didn't stand me up. I didn't steal your shiny new boots, made for walking. I was just me and you were just you. Somewhere, we lost sight of what was important and feelings were hurt. Is there enough time in this lifetime to fix us. I miss you already, except really. I live a life standing still and you make it go. If only for a day or an hour, it means the world to me. You are the sunshine on my rainy days. And you know how I love my rain.

So, if we don't make it to forever, I love you. I will always love you. And at least I know that our memories will make it to forever. To my dying breathe because, you were the one. My only one.

End life story chapter (insert #)

Anime: VRMMORPGs

One acronym: VRMMORPG (Virtual Reality Massively Multiplayer Online Role-Playing Game). Yea, it’s a real anime concept (that better be on its way to reality - just saying). I first encountered this type when I came across a new series called Accel World. I watched over half of it before I put it on the back burner, due to a disappointing main character (the guy, the girls are great). I thought it was a fluke, a unique anime. Then came SAO (Sword Art Online). From the same creator, except the charters and plot twists were/are way more interesting.

So what is a VRMMORPG? It is a role playing game within a virtual reality device placed on your head that utilizes your 5 senses through your brain. So, you basically become your character in every sense, except when you die, you’re ok; it is after all, just a game.

Twist number one. It’s not just a game, you die here - you die out there. Why? The creator made a world where he could be king. What fun would a world be if you could just check out when you were/are not enjoying an aspect of the game?

Twist number two. Your virtual reality device cannot be removed from the outside like previous games. The public are made aware of this after several people have already plugged in. People begin disappearing because their families try to unplug them. That’s a mistake.

But the king gives his people hope. Reach level 100 and you will be released. Have you ever heard of a king wanting to give his kingdom back to the people? Every level is hard and gets harder, just like your average game. It takes them several months just to clear the first couple of levels. Time spent there is the same time spent out in the real world. What is happening to their bodies in real time? Watch and find out.

The story progresses with a seemly strong main character. It basically resembles the middle ages. Some of the players have even stopped trying to beat the game and have decided to make it their home. Setting up shops, villages and other little amenities. There are safe places a character can go where they cannot be killed. But you could end up stuck if you are a weak player.

The story definitely has aspects that make it an immediate favorite, bumping a few off my top ten list. Later on in the series, they switch it up a bit where we get to see the characters as fairies with the ability to fly. You will have to watch to see that part though.

I hope the series is not over but if it, it was an awesome ride while it lasted. Two thumbs way up. ^_^

Any who… it is in your best interest to check this anime out. Being as it is a new series, you will have to watch it with subtitles. But ask yourself, what English dub has done anime justice lately? Sure, FMA did a good job. But Naruto? Fruit’s basket? I did like some of the Bleach voices. There is one particular voice actress that has a shrill like nails on a chalk board … meh. I won’t say who, but she is in all the popular animes… Makes me want to watch sub only, all the time.

Here is the site I use for new anime: Subbed/Dubbed New/Old Anime

And the site I use when I need to work on something, but want to hear a favorite anime in the background (or if I need to see a Hayao Miyazaki movie): Dubbed Anime

There are tons of other sites, but these ones have rarely let me down. If it’s not broken, don’t fix it. ^_^

-Jen

P.s. 

In case you want more information, you can find the 

Wiki here: SAO Wiki

Wikia here: SAO Wikia (There's a huge difference)

Trailer here: SAO Subbed Trailer

A new religion

Awe the internet.

• People are not people.
• Dating is an assignment waiting for completion on your outlook calendar.
• Advertisers can now read your mind. 
• Conspiracy theories are the news. 
• Netflix/Hulu hypnotizes your soul into submission.
• Facebook/twitter brainwashes you into revealing your personal privacy. 
• Apple makes you dissatisfied with what you already have.
• Bullies administer unjust punishment in front of thousands of viewers.
• Role playing makes you the elf/dwarf/fairy you always wanted to be, because people really are not people, anymore. 

Yea, I am onto you. I see right through the deception.And I fall for it, hook line and sinker, every time. Knowing, is it worse, or better?

A wise man does not cower from knowledge but uses it to his advantage.

I can say that I have always been someone to cower from knowledge. 

Plug my ears and sing some childhood rhyme. I can still be a child right? No, but what does it mean when you know something and do nothing? Did you ignore it because you feel like one lowly bee in a huge hive with too many queen bees? Maybe you are lazy? Or have you already been defeated? Maybe you honestly do not care.

Either way, knowing all the above facts just feels dirty. Let the technology keep advancing so that you lose more of your humanity. Be one with your computer and cell phone. The sound of one’s voice over a phone; do people still communicate like that? It could also be that we choose this road and got stuck on the path. I see others have chosen to remain connected to the real world; people who don’t let the internet control their lives. 

If technology were a religion, would you join? Are you already among the herd? 

I know I am.

A little something to think about on this Sunday, who is really the machine and who is really in control? 

Craig's List Rants and Raves, manners much?

I rekindled some old hobbies and started some new ones. In particular, Rants and Raves on CL. It is interesting how others are quick to judge; he who cast the first stone and what not. I could sit back and read the filth the trolls post. Maybe they post so that enraged people will email privately and they can have their fun. I, who cannot keep a thought in my head, have to publicly retort. I simply cannot resist an opportunity to push my morals on to others; sue me. I have come to this simple equation: Man who insults a woman’s weight has a small.. man part. Why else would they take the time and energy to hurt a stranger/s? Perhaps they are lacking in some other way? Or if they are a she, did they lose their lover to a bigger woman? I don’t fully understand the motive of these haters. I do know that rants and raves that lead to hurt and pain need to be addressed. Let us see your photo so that we can pick out the things about your appearance that we do not like. I will be first in line.

First off, I do not like your attitude. I cannot fathom why your mother failed to teach you manners. Your intelligence cannot be very high if you are camping out on CL just to get a rise out of people. You clearly do not understand what an IP address is, as it is only a matter of time before you anger a computer savvy person who could look into your whereabouts. Not to mention that you can be held accountable for everything that is posted on the internet. Nothing is ever erased.

Why am I using my time and energy to even address these trolls?

1. They do not go away. You can ignore them until you are blue in the face. They are a plague without a cure. A fungus without cream. Roaches after a nuclear war. 
2. Everyone needs a cause. Some people feed starving kids in Africa. Some people save abused pets. I am taking a stand on trolls. 

I have a retort for every stupid post; all with the same hidden message. Can’t say anything nice, do not speak/type at all. Maybe if I say it enough times in enough ways, it will take root. That’s what my step father did to me. There are some lessons I can’t forget, all of which taught me to be a better person. Sure, I am using a little of their own tactics to fight back, name calling and such, but desperate times call for desperate measures. You don’t fight fire with air. You fight it with fire.

I could post this to rants and raves and elicit many replies from trolls, bullies and other riff raff. Or this could be the start to the re-launch of my blog. I loved blogging once. It was the highlight of my day/week. It had to die though. I never lied on my blog. As a result, too much of me was on display for the world to see. Things you only share with close ones because you trust them not to use your pain and weaknesses against you. I am also glad to start posting again because of some funny dialogue on Futurama. Bender told Lela to calm down and that she could vent about it on her blog later. Bender the robot, Brian the dog, Roger the alien– the great and wise characters of my generation. I am going to vent here. Smile, I am funny. (no, really.)

1. Bus stop smoker bringing you one step closer to lung cancer? Don’t fret blog about it. 
2. Retail cashiers insisting you answer their greetings and questions? Don’t fret blog about it. 
3. Bicyclist not sure whether they should cut off pedestrians or vehicles? Don’t fret blog about it. 
4. Ice causing a mass city shut down with no transportation solutions and an empty fridge? Don’t fret blog about it. 
5. Old lady on the bus opening and retying her same loud crinkly grocery bag to obtain a tiny piece of finger food every 3 minutes? Don’t fret blog about it. 
6. Public cell phones? Don’t fret blog about it.

I could go on, but I think my point has been made. I also know that I am a bit easily annoyed. I watched a Penn and Teller episode about manners a few weeks ago. One of the “experts” had a long laundry list of things he considered to be bad manners. Like a butt load of people cramming into one elevator, rather than waiting for the next one. I agreed with 95% of what he considered to be bad manners. Penn though, said he was an A-hole and needed to get off his high horse. I guess that makes me one. I do believe that most people are not aware of their surroundings. I really do not want any part of your stranger elbow or body part touching mine. I really do not want to hear you breathing (which means you are too close) or that you are going to the Dr. for that rash. If I can smell any foul odor being released through your pores, you are a burden on society. I’d rather jump into the Pudget Sound than inhale your cigarette smoke. If that makes me an A-hole, than call it what it is. I do not fear labels. After all, what is in a name?

I won’t always rant though. The story of Jen, although long, is not all negative. I see unbelievably acts of kindness in Seattle too. I once witnessed a woman drop her wallet right next to a group of gang dressed kids. One of them picked it up and chased after it to return it. Proving that you cannot judge a book by its cover, although, you should be weary – better to be safe than sorry. Also, it is much harder to find inspiration in things that make me happy. Happiness, although enjoyable, does not yield enough passion. My words need to represent me and I am a passionate person. As I have always said, I don’t go half way.

I recently watched an interview with Adele. All her music was written when the love of her life broke her heart. It is a dang good album in deed. But she worries if she can write a second album now that she is so deeply in love with a new beau. I would feel the same way about my blog. What would I write about? Rainbows and butterflies? Pass. There are enough of the glass is half full people out there. There are also enough the glass is half empty people are out there. I am the glass. I can fill it any way I choose. Half air, half water? ¼ water ¾ air? How about some good Seattle coffee, hold the air. ^_^ I doubt anyone is 100% negative or positive. It is a day to day experience that cannot be averaged because you are too biased about yourself and others are not with you all the time of every day of your life. The point is that whoever made up the glass theory just wanted to make people feel good or worse about their current mood or life situation.

Carpe Diem; it is not just a saying, but a life style. Live every day. Not necessarily like it is your last, but as someone who just wants to experience life. Obtain knowledge, worship your temple (body) and laugh. Love should be in there somewhere too, but you can live a full life without love. Who knows, maybe this will be the lifetime that I do. I would choose that fate than to be coupled with someone I don’t love more than myself. I’m vain, sue me. But I think that should be true for everyone. You should want to be their other half. If they are hurt, you are hurt. If they are in the way of a bullet, you are pushing them out of harm’s way. If they are smiling, it is because they can share their happiness with you. If they are mad, you are helping them leave that mood behind. If they are sad, you literally magically turn that frown upside down. Love is magic and not everyone has it or will find it. But I will not ever settle or give up. Magic has a way of finding you. Leading you down the path you have chosen and hoping you take the time to smell the roses. Who knows, maybe your love is smelling them too.

Well, I have been down enough tangents for today. I always love just typing out the words that come to mind while I am thinking on a topic. Just typing; not really altering the road of where the thoughts are taking me. It can be a fun but long journey. At the end, I always have a message. Be as kind as you can. It can be hard to show kindness in a hateful world. But just try and see what doors (and windows) open up for you.

In case you ever read my previous blog entries, I didn't delete those posts, I simply hid some of them. Ok, over half, but I left the ones that were not so personal. I have 43 posts but I am only showing 16 .... dun dun dunnnnnn. They were and are still some of my proudest displays of hidden intelligence, ever. If you know me in person, you know that I have issues pronouncing words, even if I can sound it out in my head; I can't think of the word I want to use; I often use the wrong word or combine words to make up Jenglish; I often lose train of thought on an internal tangent which misrepresents what I wanted to rely in the first place in an argument or conversation. But here, on paper or on my computer, I can be smart. I can use the words I hear in my head and I have time, without pressure to succeed or be impressive, to use the words I want to use. No room for embarrassment or misrepresentation. I can be me. I can breathe and speak freely. Whew, and it feels good.

-Odizus

P.s. I missed you love. <3

Spring 2012 is here ^_^

Things seem so clear now that I have had time to readjust to all the changes. Change is good. I have made some bad choices these last 10 months or so. But I also made some great ones. I hope that I can always learn from my mistakes and grow from them. I think with spring finally here, I can start fresh too. I am not doing this week what I had envisioned myself doing for the past few months. A part of me is a little sad to see my efforts go wasted. Another part feels free from the constant obligation. I cannot be anyone but me. Having discovered that these long unemployed days, I also realized that if I can’t be who they want me to be, then I need to find a place where I already fit in. I am a stubborn lass, so I am taking people with me; new friends and old. I am throwing my ideals in the trash and I am finding new ones. Black and white viewpoints are such a harsh take on an imperfect species. I know I am unhappy because of the high expectations that not even I can reach. I also know it would be a large stretch to think I could suddenly flip flop years of strict perceptions. There’s a long road ahead.

I do not think people who assimilate easily realize how hard it is to constantly filter yourself and your actions. It has to constantly be on your mind or you will fail. Try, right now, to continually think about something; like not breathing too often or too infrequently. You may find that your mind wanders in different directions. Plans or anticipated events might rise to the surface the loudest. And in all that chaos, are you thinking about your breathing? Did you try doing it for longer than a few minutes? A few hours? How about for days? That is what constantly filtering yourself feels like. For a large percentage of people, they do it so naturally, it’s like breathing.

I am human. I forget that I need to filter myself and my actions. That I need not instantly react to a rise of emotion. That I need to always remain a respectable lady. It took the words of a family member to realize that I cannot do it alone. Words that cut so deep that I don’t know when the pain will stop. They say that loving someone is to give them the power to hurt you but trusting they won’t use it. I can’t say that I don’t love my family, but it’s clear that I can’t trust them anymore. I am broken. I understand that now. So to make things better, I have turned to pharmaceuticals. I feel better. Not so controlled by emotions. Getting out of bed is refreshing and not tiresome. I feel like a new me. Like I won’t have to filter myself anymore because I now have the quality that so many are lucky to be born with already.

I just want to be clear, I have re-connected with my mother and I love her dearly. She made some mistakes, owned up to it and is ready to start fresh. Plus she is really funny. I forgot how funny she is. I also dearly love my father. Without his support, I don’t know what I would have done. He is the solid rock that has kept me standing through all of my hardships. And to Micah for always saying the right thing at the right time. My father is lucky and I hope he never forgets that. ^_^

On a side note, I am cleaning! With the windows wide open! I know, not-jen-like at all. But I just woke up this morning and realized that I don’t like dirty bathrooms or smelly kitchens. Amber will be back from Iceland soon and I want her to visit my clean home. And I have good news. I have a date on Friday. It’s just coffee, nothing fancy, but I am happy to report that I am trying new things. I hope I like new Jen. And I hope you like the new me too! ^_^

Jen 

243 Days

It has been 243 days since I became unemployed. A loser...

I miss:

• Working.
• Writing. 
• Basking in the sunlight.
• Smiling. 
• Laughing. 
• Singing. 
• Dating 
• Dancing. 
• Jen. 

Everyone leaves. Everything ends. And yet, I'm still here. Why? 

I know the words. But nothing comes out.

I can't find my own strength. Do I have any?

I need you now. Before it's too late. Where are you?

You can say it out loud.

I'm crazy.

Jen

Leap Day

I broke my own rule. I censored myself. I deleted two entire blog entires because after re-reading them, I saw how much of ME was on display. Strangers have a way of taking your deepest darkest secrets and using them against you. I don't know if I am clinically crazy, because no doctor has told me so. But I will admit there are days that I feel crazy. This last week, I have shown a side of me that I thought I had control over. I collided with two mentally unstable individuals and all of our collective drama fed my flames. I instigated just as much as they did and more. I'm not proud of myself. And I think it's safe to say that I can not be apart of those people's lives anymore. I am sure they are good people, in different circumstances with different people. When I'm around though, ant hills are like Everest sized mountains. Almost like an alcoholic is a liquor store. So after a third party evaluation, I realize that if I didn't censor myself, I could lose more than I already have. The only thing that has changed in the last 24 hours is that I finally feel responsible for the accusations made against me and I am actually sorry. And not because I was caught. I really needed someone who knew me to look at all the facts objectively. I found my answer. I was wrong. 

On a more positive note, I think my best friend may be a better writer. Curse the heavens! This is actually good news though, because I have someone to bounce ideas off of. And someone who will read my stuff and be honest. I need someone who can separate personal from professional while giving me the hard facts. Amber is good at that, yay! Being a true friend means taking the side of the most right party regardless of what side your friends on. We don't see eye to eye on everything, but that makes us an effective team. There to share different perspectives. She's Eco-friendly and I'm the capitalist consumer. Now let's get writing. Maybe I will start a book... 

"January 12th, 1986, a Persian princess is born to a rebellious teenager in the middle of the Missouri bible belt. Military dad away in the field and mom at home with many a fella, Jen grew up learning you have to love family but not like them; a quote her own mother said to a misbehaving 4 yr old Jen who never forgot those words and never stopped hearing them. Read more to find out how this little Capricorn made it through and created her online family with the alias odizus. This is her life, as accurately recorded as a gold fish memory could muster." 

Bam! That's how you write an opener to your life story. 

More to come when I think about how much more to reveal. Tell the whole story or add times of fantasy when it gets sad or scary. Life should be fun. If you can't live a fun life, dream one up. ^_^ 

Stay awesome readers! 

I am more wise today, I swear it ^_^

Today is my birthday. Last night as I was slowly falling asleep, the most curious knock came at my door. Surprise, my BFF from Orcas Island was standing there. She has surprise visited me in the past but from closer living destinations. If you don't know where Orcas Island is, then you should know, it's no hop skip jump to Seattle. Try a long drive to a limited ferry followed by more long drive. Yup. Surprised but happy Jen has already woken up on this new day not alone - thank you baby Jesus.

I received a curious email informing me that my blog made no sense. The first thing that came to mind is that perhaps I'm too contradictory or I jump around too much. I said this out loud to my BFF and she said, but that's you. Yea. That is me. I literally write down my thought process verbatim. As if my brain were talking with out a filter. I hope that my blog sounds like it would if you were reading my mind. Sure. I revise out some adjectives from time to time. But in all honesty, I'm a hot mess. You write what you know. I know me. Crazy. Contradictory. Confused. These are only a few of a long list of words that define odizus.

Perhaps, I could go to school. Learn how to write things I don't know about. Back to the whole rainbows and butterfly's theory from previous blogs. But that would just be another mask I wear to appease people. While I want to be more interesting for possible and current readers, I also want to be true to my writing style. I can start picking topics if that would be better. There are tons I could tell you about. And since I have an extremely selective memory (which I refer to as the gold fish memory) everything I learn daily can feel new and exciting.

I have been especially learning about politics. Silly facts that I probably learned in high-school, tested on and forgotten are all like new interesting tid bits of info for me. Like, did you know that when there is a democrat already in office able and willing to run for second term, they do not have debates to find a democratic candidate. But they do for the opposing parties. I was like, how come they only talk about the republican candidates. And now, it all makes sense. Eureka! I am pretty sure I took a class my senior year devoted to government. No idea what I was taught in that class. It's probably because I was a hardcore raver at the time. Now I'm all adult like. Boring. I even find myself watching the news thinking "oh I didn't know that was going on." but I am told not to believe everything the AP says because they report bias coverage reworded to fit their agenda. What happened to integrity? Just the facts man.

And the Internet is just full of information. I taught my self to knit thanks to YouTube. Yea, I said it. I knit. Sure, it isn't great looking and I can point to my mistakes, but few are child prodigies. I'm just gonna have to take the due process of learning like everyone else. You earn what you put out. It's the truth of the world.

Random Tandem Time: If you haven't noticed yet, I love metaphors. I'm a visual person. Nothing explains my point of view faster than a picture. I can't wait to be one of those old timers; "back in my day, we walked to school, up-hill both ways through the snow barefoot." If I am lucky to see a Jetson's future, then I hope my metaphors will be even more outrageous to the youngins of the future. "Hover craft! We used our feet and if it took a day to get there, by golly we walked it with pride."

Good times.

Well that's all from the newly wiser Jen of today.

Happy birthday to ME!!

One Year Older Tomorrow

I was feeling a little erratic yesterday. With my birthday coming closer, my current romantic interest moving on and the SAK email chain of drama...it was just too much for me. But I'm better today. More sunshines than rain clouds.

Another temporary employment agency called today. They wanted to interview me tomorrow. I had to hear some stranger wish me a happy early birthday as we planned for Friday instead. I guess it's too long a tale to explain the birthday stigma. Just seems like I'm cursed that day.

If I still believe that you creat your own reality with out any grey area, then I literally carry the combined weight of almost 26 years of bad choices. That's a lot to carry. Guilt so heavy that even my dreams find it necessary to show me my life on a loop.

• This is the time that you scowled at the lazy temp making her fear you rather than minding your own business and working without notice.
• This is the time you made a waitress quit because remembering my over complicated order was more than expected but verbally demanded, rudely.

The worse part is seeing the events fold out, like my eyes are a movie screen and thinking "why are you acting this way?" The part of me controlling my body being controlled by emotions flips myself off and continues. Then when my emotions are calm, it's just me and guilt, sitting in my brain doing some kind of intense stare down. Sometimes I wish someone would slap me. Just wake me up and say "what has gotten into you!" When I can, I apologize. But there's a point you reach that all you ever do is apologize. To the point that your one of those people.

My encyclopedia of birthdays says for people born Jan 12th:

My greatest challenge is handling feelings of being ignored. That I can be restrictive, extreme and arrogant.

Wow. No sugar coating there. It also says that I can be tolerant dedicated and insightful. But to me, that all sounds like the positive twists of the all the negative words.

1. You are restricted but at least you tolerate people.
2. You are extreme but at least your dedicated to your point of view.
3. You are arrogant but at least your insightful about it.

Ok, the last one is a stretch, but the other two make sense. Good lord. I have a book telling me what's wrong and yet I'm still in the dark. I demand this book name specific circumstances where the above character traits were displayed. Book looks at me, like a book. Silent and full of cookie cutter advice.

I set my mind on a goal, I pursue it with an intense single-minded dedication. I don't have a goal!! Or at least, I'm failing in what ever goals I may have had. Bad book, bad.

But then is goes on to say that I can get so obsessed with work that I willingly give up MY personal identity. Now that does sound like me. I have no identity. Give me my work back world. I need me again. In hideous work clothes and inter office drama. That's me. I miss me.

There is a silver lining though. I'm lucky apparently. Where there is a bottomless pit of despair, there is an endless rainbow of happiness. I can raise as fast as I fall. Well world, I'm ready to rise. I've been down here a bit too long. Stewing so long that I might be starting to smell yummy. No one is gobbling up these hopes and dreams!

Goal: find a new identity out side of working. Having no mission is not necessarily the end of me. It can be the rebirth of me. The time that I set professional on the back burner for once and pursue my personal identity. Who are you Jen?

Are you afraid of men? Even if you never get hurt again, you will never be loved at the same time. The idea of falling head of heels makes me nauseous. The minute I confirm any feelings out loud, there they are, waiting to be broken. And maybe I have spent so much time withholding love that I prove myself right every time. So that I can say out loud, see told you he would leave. Is it selfish to always want but never willing to give.

The more I find out about the kind of person I am, the more I see how alike I am to my best friend. We had a large fight last year after my 25th birthday resulting in a 8-9 month friendship hiatus. Things I said to her then, fit me now. It's like the kettle calling the pot black. But worse, because those words fit me then too, I just couldn't see it. Would I ever call her out like that again with out taking into consideration that if the roles were flipped, I'd have done the same exact thing, to the T. No.

No one likes knowing they don't always make the best decisions for everyone involved. No one likes their flaws pointed out. But most of all, friends aren't enemies that you just keep a closer eye on. My best friend is my sister (not through blood/marriage). She is my smile when all I have is a pocket of frowns. She helps me strive for tomorrow's sunrise in hopes that it's just a little better than today's sunset. She is my inspiration on how I want love to feel when I find my man.

Being in a room of silence and not needing to fill it because it's calming. Watching some show together that you think is stupid but secretly loving that you saw the show after all. These are a few of my favorite things. And yea, bee stings and dog bites really do hurt. But not loving is even worse than those.

So here I am, ready to be a more loving 26 year old in hopes that my negative 25th year of life will be but a memory. 

 Tomorrow, I wake up a new JEN.