Summer of Opportunity !?!?!?!?!?!?!

From time to time, I get this itch to experience what I “think” I’m missing in life. I usually dive in head first before it becomes clear why I was not experiencing this opportunity in the first place; like buying an Xbox 360. I see all these (super cute) boys beating each other on the battle field and I think to my self, oOoOoOoO!  I play their games only to realize that I can’t stay alive even when I hide, lol. (Yes, I took the Xbox back to the store.) I’m not complaining, there is obviously a learning curve.  However, I could save the $300 and go watch boys for free at Game Works…which reminds me: Note to self, visit Game Works this weekend. Muhahahahaha!

The same can be said for any out door activity.  Ok, so I am a princess.  I camp with all my bedding that I can possibly fit into a car and look for any possible reason to stay inside a coffee shop while people observing from the air conditioned establishment.  This summer, I want to dive in head first.  Yes, yes. I just said that I’m a leaper before a looker but there has to be something to this “Out Door Activity” thing that people look forward to every year.  Swimming, running, Frisbee, volley ball, tennis… these could be fun.  And to camp the hard way… a simple tent with one pillow and one sleeping bag… I am still debating that one. But I could go for a great big camp fire, with marshmallows and hot dogs on a stick *DROOL* … good times.  Or even some skinny dipping. Woo!  I don’t want to be a couch potato this year.  In fact, I am debating selling my couch.  Or at least moving it out of the living room so that I have to either or stand or be out and about.  That’s right, I said it.   I am done being an in-doorsey.  I am not trying to be bear grills now…baby steps - really small baby steps.  But I eventually want to camp on a beach and wake up to the smell of the ocean.  Sigh.  Or go out to a field of grass and roll around in it collecting wild flowers.  I haven’t done that since I was 13?  I get so consumed by technology and my professional life that I have forgotten how to enjoy wild Jen.  Getting dirty and not caring how the stain will come out.  Messing up my hair and face and just living in the moment.  Man, I haven’t had dirt in my hair in years.  I think I need some, and not in the spa weekend way. J  That’s it, I’m getting dirty this summer and I am doing it with out make-up and with out a care in the world! June is about to be here…I think I am too late to grow my own pumpkin for Halloween, but there is always next year. I have wanted to do that for so long… I will put it on my calendar: Get pumpkin seeds, get big pot and grow pumpkin for Halloween 2012.  I have to celebrate the end of days somehow. (Isn’t 2012 the year the world ends because the Mayan calendar ends, crazies… lol.)

So that is the plan Stan. Be active! Plus I read on the news headlines that being more active at a younger age encourages a stronger memory for old age. I already have too many senior moments… I need to start counter acting now! *Starts push-up, but falls* Ok, maybe I will start with something simpler, baby steps!

I will be at Folk Life all day Saturday, May 28th @ the Seattle Center volunteering, come see me!

My Song...

Every few months, a song comes out on the radio that just embodies a memory or an emotion for all of us. Sometimes it feels like the song writer channeled you and your specific situation. Every now and again though, there is a song that transcends the petty daily emotions we all go through and embodies the entire package that is you. I don’t think it happens that often, because I can only think of less than 5 songs that this sensation has occurred for me personally. One song in particular… every word, every note, it feels like I wrote this song to explain myself to others. If I could have a life thus far anthem, it would be this song. I got the lyrics and pasted them below. I want you to see me verse by verse. The scary part is that I am not only in one verse… it’s every word. Sometimes, I worry that I am working towards a goal that will never let me see the best parts of me. I always feel like I am given a new chance at life every day I wake up. I still believe I will marry a king even if I don’t believe in the constitution of marriage. And I know that people live in their own personal fantasies unwilling to and not ready to accept the reality that life is what you make it. However, like Lola, I am working on it.

Lola: I can't Take It 

I woke up early and it was a sunny day 

Soon as I went outside that's when it started raining 

Rushed and got in my car pull out my driveway and on my way to work 

Got stuck in two hour traffic. 

And I can't Lie 

Seems like the more I try 

The more I realize 

That I might not never see the best of me 

But I can't cry 

cause hey im still alive still got a chance at life 

Just wanna be happy 

But the facts remaining. 

Wanna go off everytime something goes wrong 

Cause I can't take it 

Tell me is it me or is it this society 

Cause I can't Take it 

When I look around wanna scream out hit the ground 

Cause I can't take it 

But Im But Im But Im 

Im Working on it, Working on it. 

I want so many things 

When I was young I dreamed , that I'd marry a king 

My daddy called me princess 

But in reality those things will never be 

Ain't no celebrity, but won't catch me complaining 

And I can't Lie 

Seems like the more I try 

The more I realize 

That I might not never see the best of me 

But I can't cry 

cause hey im still alive still got a chance at life 

Just wanna be happy 

But the facts remaining. 

Wanna go off everytime something goes wrong 

Cause I can't take it 

Tell me is it me or is it this society 

Cause I can't Take it 

When I look around wanna scream out hit the ground 

Cause I can't take it 

But Im But Im But Im 

Im Working on it, Working on it. 

Most people live, inside their fantasies 

Don't wanna see the truth,(they don't wanna see the truth) but life is what you make it 

And they'll do anything to even up the score 

Just trying to get a little bit more, Just trying to get a little bit more 

So only Trust yourself, and do what works for you 

Listen to no one else, 

I bet you you'll be happy 

So don't you hesitate, aint got no time to waist 

Just trying to get a little bit more, Just trying to get a little bit more 

Wanna go off everytime something goes wrong 

Cause I can't take it 

Tell me is it me or is it this society 

Cause I can't Take it 

When I look around wanna scream out hit the ground 

Cause I can't take it 

But Im But Im But Im 

Im Working on it, Working on it. 

And they'll do anything 

THING THING THING THING 

Just trying to get a little bit more 

Just Trying to get a little bit more 

And They'll Do anything 

THING THING THING THING 

Oh 

Oh yeah

Just trying to get a little bit more

What’s the song that embodies you? Think about it, maybe you haven’t found it yet or maybe you didn’t know it was your song

A battle to the bitter end. Will I die good or evil?

 I wrote a blog yesterday that took me hours (4 probably) to complete. I still have not posted it. At first, I thought I was simply being lazy. But the more I think about it, the more I realize how much I hate it. I'll tell you why. I have kept two diaries in my entire life. I still have both and I add to one periodically. I have only had these two in my life because I only wrote things down when I needed to be sad or mad and no one was there to listen. Through out the years, I have read the entries in the diaries and I have never finished reading with out crying. It's like I am living through the emotion of those moments all over again. I used to leave my diary around because I wanted someone to read it and give me their impression. Were they offended? Were they sad? Annoyed? Could they even get through it...? Unfortunately, everyone in my life appears to respect boundaries... Go figure. My blog entry yesterday written but never posted...I feel my anger and my despair. I don't want strangers to see that side of me. Many many factors can be perceived entirely different than their intended purpose because someone took a snap judgment. I like to think that I am human enough to embody every emotion. Some of my emotions are darker than I would advertise. I can't explain the flip from good to evil, but I can feel the change in my bones. I know when my not so kind side is breaking free. It's a constant battle. I tried to embrace it several times thinking, it's better to go with the current than against it...I enjoyed it too much. Like the cat who got the canary. The cat catches the canary to eat, but do they really need to play with it before, during and after the little bird's death? They obviously enjoy it.

I'm a strong believer in Karma, that what you put out into the world, you get back 3 fold. Yes, I'm guilty of not doing what I preach. Knowing my rude behavior could warrant me consequences; I still open my mouth and shove my foot in ankle deep. Maybe I like the taste? Maybe your reaction feeds my evil side? Maybe I can't learn? Some people learn the hard way. Are there people who don't learn...by choice? When I was 19, I was working in a retail store while attending a technical college. I'm not gonna lie, I'm can be a drama queen. That technical college was teaming with drama. If only I knew then what I know now...would I still say and do the things that I did? I hope that I'm choosing to learn from my mistakes. But any who, there was a month that was particularly bad. I said and did some things I'm not proud of. I bit my tongue; no big deal. Except the hole kept getting bigger and worse. To the point that I couldn't speak very well and it hurt to speak. I was convinced that my evil tongue was being punished. I worried for days; even tried apologizing and being sincere. I was like a whole new Jen because I feared karma. But like a criminal sorry for getting caught, my tongue healed and I was old Jen again. This was probably the first time I realized that I could control the urge to see others in pain. Not pain in a serial killer way, emotional anguish. People are like sheep to slaughter. So easy to manipulate, easily lead into danger believing there are no wolves. Most of all, the look of surprise when it clicks. This person does not mean me good will. A smart person thinks you are all wolves until you are a sheep. Are you a wolf or lost among the flock? I don't think wolf means evil %100 of the time. Maybe it simply means, you're unplugged from the matrix. Having said that, knowledge is power, and power is easily corruptible. Here, we make the connection to evil. There's a reason Politian’s lie. There's a reason the military has secrets. And there are many reasons why it's best of you shut your eyes, plug your ears and think happy thoughts. Does knowing something change it? Very rarely. So my question to you… why even know? Memory erasers are not yet commercially available. Give it time though. I'm not a conspiracist. I just hear the same rumors you hear and I take from them a sense of fantasy. Did I take the blue pill or the red pill? I can't remember...

Mother, Am I?

Pondering my life since I read a fact about my family, often forgotten, I realize I'm afraid to post. If my blog is uninteresting or boring...it would be better for me not to post. Save this space for better entertainment. What fact? That I come from a long line of narcissism. Is that such a bad thing? People might mistake it for confidence. Isn't being confident a good thing? Pride, self worth, happiness...this can all be under one umbrella. Under a positive light. It's not only the fear of people hating my blog. It has infected my love life. I think I am too selfish to love. Friends, lovers, children...sacrifices need to be made. Some don't feel like much of a sacrifice. Until you're a month in and you realize that you can't remember life before them. You can't remember you...Change is something that happens when you truly want to reach a specific goal. You can not cross every finish line first as you are now because no one is that perfect. I'm ok with not being perfect. It not only gives me an outlet to express my self creatively but it also immensely entertains me.

Me, me, me. The world once evolved around it. Until I met strong enough people to put me in my place. Perhaps I lost those strong traits in the people I abandoned. Did they keep me grounded? Has my world become so about me and the things that I want that I have digressed? I would hate to think that even self centered twits care enough to ask these questions. I once seriously thought about being a mother. My first thought wasn't if I could do it, even if it was everyone elses. Mine was if I would be any good at it. Would she get the life she deserves or suffer my same fate. The apple never falls far from it's tree. As my seed blossoms and I become a tree...it's funny how I see my mother in me more and more. And I think, no child deserves that. I have this same thought with all my relationships. Friends, family...lovers. I can be alone, because when you've seen what I have seen, loneliness is the best road. I would rather wake up every morning alone if it meant that I could stay me. The sane me. The tree that isn't so apple after all. Barren of fruit but full of wisdom. Some paths are best for others.

This isn't sad. Accepting truth, for me, is about moving past the emotions. Realizing that not all truths are kind. I knew a man who introduced me to the phrase: it is what it is. At the time, I spent a lot of time and effort trying to figure out what he meant. I know now that his vagueness was a cover for his deceit. I still took his phrase with me and I use it almost every day. It has become a release from my own internal cage of control. Why this, what that, when, where, how...who! Breathe in-breath out, it is what it is. Simple, carefree, just free. No biggie.

I asked someone recently if they were afraid of getting sick when interacting with patients at a hospital. He said to me that fear is no way to live your life. Every time I write an entry, I learn something new about my self. I am learning that I'm afraid of myself. Many people fear being alone. I fear other things, but summed up, I fear failure. I fear myself failing my own expectations. I expect my self to be sane, on time, reliable but most of all, not to be like her. I want to be me. The me that is not like her. My thoughts are unkind, I know. If I were her, I would feel really sad that my daughters felt this way. I'm so sorry. I am really really sorry. I wish things had turned out differently, however some scars are deeper than to the bone. Some can reach your soul. I don't regret my upbringing. I am who I am. It is done and I am happy. I just want you to know that I am not going to fear posting any more. If you like my words, thank you. If you do not, thank you but let’s talk. I want to be better and your wisdom can take me there. Let's get there together.

On a side note, reading my blog over and over looking for grammar errors and sentences that make no sense, I realize I type exactly how I think. Except thankfully, I don’t type all my mental tangents. Sometimes I feel like a Libra with my head in the clouds, lol. I’m glad that I type my actual thought process. Makes me feel a little less crazy every time I post. Sigh.

I think I am happy... Is this what it feels like?

I had a mini crisis this week, my landlord called me at work and I answered the call. Idiot. You think that after years of bad landlord experiences, I’d learn to not answer their calls, while at work. She dropped some heavy vague double meaning like phrases in our 5 minute chat. Bottom line, be more on top of my recycling and garbage or else. She never said or else and an ultimatum was never mentioned, but vagueness to an over thinker is cruel and unusual torture; especially with Seattle’s “beat around the bush” and “sugarcoat” attitudes. These locals would rather be nice than upfront. It took me a little over a week after that phone call to get my house clean and the trash sorted from the recycling, but I did it!! So I fell a little behind. It’s been a very bad last 6 months and I guess I just stopped caring. Between the car drama and my 25^th birthday (Not listing everything in between like losing two different jobs), I just really gave up on life. At one point, the condition of my house kept me alive. I couldn’t imagine leaving my mess for someone else to clean up. (Watching CSI has shown me that this is a common thought process for most suicidal women.)  I am not publically admitting this because I need help or I am at risk now. I am telling you, my readers, because I over came those obstacles. I used to reach out to close friends and family, but I became that “Oh, she’s at it again. Sorrow fests and fishing for compliments.” I realized that what ever keeps me here needs to come from me. At the end of the day, it’s my reflection that I have to answer to. Talking to my landlord a few days ago, she expressed that she really wanted my place clean for me too. That it could really help improve my mood and make me a happier person. So far, I think she is right. My house smells like apples and I can find socks! Already a huge improvement.

I made some decisions a couple of months ago, cutting my past off from my present. Sometimes, I miss the people I left, and then I think how drama free my life has become. How I am no longer sad or mad all the time. Sometimes I get irritated on the bus…those people really need to learn etiquette. Be aware of your surroundings because unlike other Seattleites, I will say something to your rude behavior. Any who, I just feel better and better everyday. The elevators at my work have been in construction since before I started working there. I work on the 3^rd floor, so at first, it was hard! Especially since I do tasks that require me to frequent the 1^st floor. This last Thursday, the work was completed. I have been in them once and it was because I was running late for my bus and I forgot to post a sign on the 1^st floor. It was a matter of being late or really late. I have to say, I feel so much better the more I climb those stupid stairs. I would really like to continue doing so. There are going to be times when I will have to take the elevator, like when I need to deliver supplies or if my boss is talking to me and I have to follow her. But I know that I will make the right decision. And hopefully, I will make the decision to find an inexpensive gym. I happen to work right next to 24 hr fitness, but good lord. They want my arm and leg in membership fees. And if you are not a member, they really make you suffer. They might as well be asking for my first born. There is always the non-gym working out? Lol…if you know me at all, you know that hell will freeze over before you catch me running around the block every morning. *chuckles* good times. It’s like I always say, you will only catch a Jen running if the last bus is leaving…or if the next bus isn’t for an hour… Even then, it really depends what stores are around and what’s open. :D

I am writing this, because I want you to know that I am finally starting to feel an improvement in my life. I thought I was getting fatter there for a second, but it must have been water weight because my clothes are finally feeling looser. Things are really starting to look up for me. Sakura con was the best event I have ever been to and I think I made some friends. They are pretty funny on face book. It’s nice to have friends that embrace technology… It’s not going away, might as well assimilate. I love my job more and more with each passing day and I think I am really getting the hang of it. I hope that my co-workers feel the same about me. In fact, I am sure they like me as much as I like them. I know that I make a lot of them laugh. Laughing is important. It cures just about any thing you can encounter in a work week. My house is almost clean! If only my sister was here to do a once over. No one gets a house sparkling like she does. But it’s ok, I am hoping to get a maid in here to do a once over. Things that require you to be on your knees, like floor scrubbing and wall wiping. I wasn’t built for that kind of labor… All in all, I feel like the past is finally behind me. I am ready to live my life and I am actually living it! YAHOO! And, best news of all, I actually have energy after work. I get home, I sit down and think, “How late can I be out drinking and still be home in time to get u at 6am?” I used to get home and pass the heck out. Now I just want to be alive. With it getting warmer and sunnier, I may act my age this summer. I would like to go camping, do a bar-b-que, swim and drink a lot. It’s the summer I will actually enjoy! Are you with me? If you got awesome plans this summer, let m know! I want to go too! 

Wisdom of a Younger Odizus

I googled myself a recently and I came across my old Yahoo Answers account from a while back (some from as far back as 3 years ago). I got to reading some of my answers to people’s questions and I thought, “Hey there is solid gold here”. Some of my answers were a little personal (even for me), but as they say, the internet is in ink. I am going to copy and paste the question and then my answer to their question. I hope this entry isn’t toooooo boring for my readers. I really enjoyed it. It's fun to see how thoughts change with time. Would I answer the same way today? Maybe. ;-) 

Question Asked:
Too much on my mind...Help?I’m the black sheep of the familyThere’s a chance I won’t graduateI’m losing friendsI don’t have a talentI’m always telling myself I’m okay and there’s nothing wrong with me and everything will work outI’m not going to kill myselfBut I feel like times running out and my life is going down hill

Odizus Replied:

I felt the same way. I too am a black sheep of my Persian family. A female who talks over a male and says what she wants when she wants, GASP, unheard of. That's just the tip of the ice berg. I also have word vomit syndrome, **** just comes out. Open mouth, insert foot. I was very suicidal in high school. But then I woke up one morning and I decided that there are children in hospitals every day fighting to live and here I am willing to take my own life. How messed up do I have to be, to be that selfish. Might as well go down to the hospital and scream "neener nanner" to those poor kids. Plus I am in America. People lose their lives everyday trying to get to a country I was already born into. Man I have it good.

So I decided to hold off on killing my self to see where things could go from here. When you kill your self, you aren't just hurting your self. You are hurting everyone around you. Sometimes, when I can really be there for a friend or I can do something, someone else couldn't, I think "If I were dead, would this have turned out as well? Would this person have been helped?"

I barely graduated high school and when i did, I was working two dead end min. wage jobs to pay rent. I fed my self by eating the food i served at work, while I was at work. Then one of those stupid technical college commercials came on and I fell for it, hook line and sinker. The only thing my 9 month program did for me, besides bury me in student loan debt, was get my foot in the door. i love my life. i have a great apartment, with a great cat. My bosses are so cool. They even crack open beers at work occasionally. But I would have missed it all if I had followed through in high school.

The best decision I have made was to go through with life. Life is hard because it teaches you lessons you need to survive. Life isn't fair because nothing ever worth having is free. You have to really want it and then work towards getting it. And when you finally have it, all the hardship makes the victory taste so much better. I used to tell myself that the good just isn't worth the bad. But what I forgot is that when you really work hard for the good, though the bad... it does become worth it. Keeping positive people in your life is a big factor. Someone who whines a lot or goes emo all the time is not going to be helpful. You need to be the person you want around you. Wake up in the morning and think "yes, another day to learn something new". Trust me, time will prove me right. And soon, you will enjoy life and this moment you are going through right now, it will all be just a bad memory. Fight for your life and be a survivor. I am rooting for you.

ADDED:
The fact that you posted this shows me that you care that you are declining and you just need a nudge. You can do it. high school sucks for almost everyone, but being adult is so much more fun. Once you get out of that hell hole and find your niche in life, you will be glad you worked so hard now. Don’t' worry about not having friends. I have probably 3 or 4 friends, but there are my best friends. I would take a bullet for anyone of them. Those are the type of friends you want anyways. Not 10,000 face book adds. Just be you and you will attract like minded people eventually. Do the things that make you happy and some kid who likes he same thing, will find that you make a great friend. As far as school goes, talk to your teachers. Tell them you are a little under the weather and you need some help. They want to see you succeed, even if they make it really hard. Pick a teacher you trust and go from there. You don't want to ask the one teacher who hates kids... I'd pick a female as they seem to be more compassionate and understanding to teenage struggle. Where as a man would just say something like "Cowboy up".... pft. Be you. :D

Question Asked:
Just another stupid teacher "crush", but huge age difference?40 years. He is 40 years older than me. Well, that's approximate. Let's just say I'm a very young teenager. He's nearly a senior. I may be considered "mature" for my age, but it still doesn't make sense that I would like him, of all people. Well, maybe it does in a way...
On to the point, I realize there are so many people with crushes on teachers, yet less often is there this much of an age gap. Anyone in a similar situation?1 year ago Report Abuse Additional DetailsOmg. No, no, no. I do not want to attempt taking it further or anything like that. Lol. Trust me; I know how bad that would end up being for both of us.

Odizus Replied:

It's normal to have teacher crushes. Some women carry that taste for older men into their adult life. Look at Katharine Zeeta Jones and Michael Douglas. HUGE age difference, but they are happy together. Just make sure you don't pursue your teacher, you could get him fired. If you really liked him, why would you want that? I’d rather secretly obsess and cherish the "in class" moments. But then again, I believe a crush is a dream, something unobtainable. Hang in there. When you get to high school, you will find a market for older guys who really like younger girls and I am sure you will find a hottie with a sick ride. :D Just remember, don't go so high in age difference that it causes problems with the law.

Question Asked:
I am attracted to someone else?A few weeks ago I wrote in about my boyfriend who asked me to marry him 3 yrs ago and we've been together for 6 yrs. Well we have talked about it and the answer he gave me was not the one I wanted. I still love him but I don't feel as close to him. I have been going over to my bothers allot here lately and he has this friend that is living there right now and I am really attracted to him and I find myself flirting with him. I have thought that other guys where attractive but I have never thought anything about them or of it but this guy I find myself thinking about him and it's like I can't wait to talk to him again. I feel really guilty about it but at the same time I don't. So my question is is this normal or not to be attracted to someone else while in relationship?

Odizus Replied:

It sounds like you and your current man have grown apart. It would look so horrible if you dumped one and went for the other; however you need to follow your heart. When life throws huge a fork in my road, I repeat the question I want answered over and over again before i go to bed. When I wake up in the morning, I feel like I have a better sense of direction on the correct road. I can't tell you what to do, but I can tell you a little about my best friend.

She has been with the same man off and on again for 8 years. She has gone through the very same thing you are and she always goes back to her man in the end. They were engaged and then not and so on. Currently they are off, but both she and he can not go a day with out talking about the other.

I am telling you this because she hurt a lot of random men on her road with her man. She would get attracted to someone else and pursue them only to leave them high and dry for her first love. Not because she is a bad person, but she can not see that she and her man have grown apart. She is one of those people that think they can still make him a man worthy of her. Don't fall into that trap. If it doesn't work now, will it ever work? Think hard about it and I hope that you make the best decision for you. G'Luck.

And yes, I have told her what I am saying now. But love it blind. Can you see clearly?

Question Asked:
Persuasive paper...needs ideas for topics..?Please no boring, overused topics such as abortion, death penalty etc.Something different and exciting!

Odizus Replied:

There are two different types of persuasive research papers; ANALYTICAL (uses evidence to analyze facets of an issue) or ARGUMENTATIVE (uses evidence to attempt to convince the reader of your particular stance on a debatable topic).

When I was in school people always choose abortion or teen pregnancy. I really wanted to step out of the box, so i wrote a paper on why the Brothers Grimm are the greatest story tellers of all time, which was my belief that I wanted to convey to others. I would not touch the topic of President Bush, the war, or the Twin Towers with a fifty foot stick though. And religion is always a bad road to go down.

You can technically write about anything, just as long as you can prove that it is something you believe, and that you want to persuade others to see your point of view.

You can write about how bubbles are the greatest invention since sliced bread. I suggest something funny. After 50 papers on teen pregnancy and abortion, your teacher will appreciate the levity.

G'Luck

Question Asked:
Has anyone got any good ideas for a sci-fi story?Anything sci-fi-ish
It's a short story, btw

Odizus Replied:

You hear stories all the time about the last man on earth, but what about the last women. So she has the ability to make humans again, but with out a male, how would she try? Maybe that's too far?

Parallel universe, and the effects on human evolution should something have occurred very differently in one of the many disputed ways that we came to "be".

The opposite of the matrix, say we woke up in desolation, only to find out the real world is the earth we know now, but finding out and getting to it is the risk.

Going to bed human waking up robot and the adventure to find out which one is reality and which one was the dream.

I will think more on this and get back to you. :-D

Edited in: Mine is sci-fi-y, I think, as an avid sci fi channel watcher, I was close; Even if the stories aren't that original. I am kind of more into magical and Wicca stories, like Anne Rice's Mayfair chronicles...

Ok, the sun is too hot for us to go near it now, say we develop technology to get close to it, and find that there is an entire species of human with the ability to live there. OR even just a creature of some sort. What could live on a climate so hot that Futurama throws a city sized garbage ball at the sun? There is a very high possibility that I was watching this episode of Futurama at the time and lost train of thought mid sentence... because this idea makes no sense at all, lol! 

Or, take the trees from lord of the rings. Say we are living our lives as normal and one day nature wakes up like those trees and decides to start a war with the human raise for obvious reasons? This answer is 3 years old, way before I had ever heard of the movie "The Happening." Just so you know. 

Or, say we find out what the pyramids really were for, in this day and age, when the creators finally come back to claim the gold we were supposed to be collected over a time period of 33 (x so many thousands, ten or hundred or something) ... a thought.

The world really does end in 2012 like some conspiracy theorist say, and it ends so ironically, or unlike any other way we could have really imagined. Out of the normal realm.

Any who, these are just a few of the questions I answered and only the ones voted "best answer". I really enjoy helping people out. I wanted to be a psychologist when I was little, but life just happens differently sometimes. I think I would enjoy studying people and finding better ways to exist. I can do that as a side hobby though. Live my life to the best of my ability and hope that I am inspiring others along the way. If not, then I will find another life mission. Life is simply a series of moments. Where one door closes, another one is still open. (I know the saying is a "and another door opens, but I like to think other open doors are always on the table of options rather than thinking that I was only given this option because another one was taken away. That's a depressing thought.) As much as I would like the world to be black and white, it's a whole lot of grey area. 

Do you know why we have eyes in the front of our faces? So we are looking forward to the future rather than behind us, our past. Don't give your self whip lash living in past! Go forward! 

Pre-Work Discovery or Walking Epiphany?

I have been studying my self the last 48 hours or so and I think I can explain high school. I was a capital B. No way around it. But I think it has a lot to do with too high levels of serotonin and lack of sleep. I decided to mess up my sleep schedule this weekend and live out my youth while I still had some left… Big mistake. I now feel evil 24/7. I want to kick dogs, reprimand rude teens, curse ( :-0 ), snap at any one slower than me at any given moment… it’s like a flash back to high school and my early 20’s. Back when I wasn’t sleeping. Now in my old age, I sleep 12 or more hours a day. But I am nicer. Smiling, fake curse words, more willing to wait…less likely to kick a barking dog in its intrusive noise maker!
 
TANGENT: I’m sorry, but I’m a cat person… down with dogs! And… I have never kicked a dog and I won’t unless one attacks me because dog owners are super scary. I had a dog owner friend and someone did kick her dog and she went ape shiza on them. It was a learning experience for me.
 
Any who, I just wondering if there is some other way to deplete serotonin? I feel great when it’s gone, but I have to deal with the side effects of the “treatment”. Not always fun during or after. I am a control freak of my behaviors and really, the “treatment” takes away my brain’s decisions and acts on my instincts or whims. Lame. Sure, I see fluffy things in real life that I would love to caress them until they are no longer fluffy; However, I slap my hand and act like I was stretching. Not the case when you are on the “treatment”. It’s like inhibitions and reason, out the window. The goal: be the normal crazy, not the “given the creeped out look” crazy.
 
TANGENT: Since the word crazy came up, I just need to vent about the 12 year old I saw get on the bus that I wanted to kick in the head. Obviously, he wasn’t 12 because he got off the bus at the community college, but he had a high pitched voice and would have a very hard time getting into a bar. What, I said it! Also, he was not attractive really and his clothes didn’t fit for his more round physic. Normally, I wouldn’t need to describe the person I am talking about, but I think it’s relevant for this tale. So, nosey Nelly Jen peeks over the seat as he is texting someone and it reads, verbatim: “I love crazy people though. They are always the horniest.” I just about ripped out my headphones and said: “Look virgin, as if you could get laid, crazy people have standards too and you are bottom of the bucket.” This experience has made me want to stop texting in public… Plus everyone knows that crazy people aren’t necessarily the horniest, they are just the best in the sack. Hollar! Lol… kidding… or was I?
 
The urge to call in sick to work this morning was strong. But what do you say over the phone, “Hi, it’s Jen, I’m really grumpy and I don’t want to get fired, so I’m calling in sick, thanks!” Heck to the no. You grab the strongest cup of coffee you find, you zombie walk into work and you fake smile until it’s not fake any more. Even if it hurts *Shakes fist at ceiling* rent doesn’t pay it self, unfortunately. I like to raise the octave in my voice. People think I have a great phone voice but really, I have just done my research. Studies prove that men find high voices sexier and women find them friendlier. Unless you are me and then you find them annoying. I went through a stage where I would hang up on customer service people until I got a man. They don’t socialize over the phone, they are blunt and they are more willing to “make an exception” because they don’t want to deal with a lot of drama or paper work. I hear ya brother, power to the man powered work force! Woot woot! But in all seriousness, I save the low tones for my non professional life so I can keep a job. People don’t like grumpy or unhappy people. They want to feel like you improved their day. Welcome to Seattle. I wonder how different New York really is. *Ponders*
 
Well this concludes another post by Jen. I wish I could post more, but 1. This is more time consuming than it looks and 2. Inspiration baby, I need it in spades.
 
Happy Tuesday because it’s not Monday any more!
 

Censor this #$%$#@%#$%$# !

WARNING: I'm about to vent... yes, I know, but I wanted to give you the option to skip my whinning, lol.

I get so tired of all the effin’ censor ship. I understand not offending some one, but some people are beyond sensitive. It’s like they are projecting their own unhappiness to others. I just started posting on a forum centered around a favored author and I am finding her fan base of old unhappy house wives/husbands annoying. (I didn’t marry my high school sweet heart choosing love over education only to poop out 3 ungrateful brats and find my husband in bed with my best friend of 20 years….) I understand why favored author has readers that are 40 plus, but c’mon.

One of my posts was deleted for violating rule “2a” which I guess has to do with cursing or improper language. I looked at the post. It was on a “what are you listening to right now” troll thread and I posted a video link to you tube video for the Neon Tree’s “Boys and Girls” song with a note saying “And I thought Animal was an awesome song…” Yes, so many violations were broken here. :ROLLEYES: I looked at the moderator’s posts in the same thread, the one who deleted my post and then sent me an email to let me know how improper I was; it’s clear she didn’t like my taste in music because she was posting old people music. (I say it, what!) I feel discriminated against. If it were a forum that I was actually enjoying, I might fight the rigid “b” word, but “frankly my dear, I just don’t give a damn.”

This is the second post of mine to be deleted because I violated some ridiculous rule in the eyes of some hobbiless old person. Well here’s a news flash, I don’t need to socialize with a fan base to enjoy someone’s product. In fact, further I am away from the crazies, the better. I just effin’ hate censorship. Makes me want to curse and flip people off. It’s like yelling at someone for cursing with a curse word in your reprimanding. YOU MAKE ME WANT TO GIVE YOU A REASON TO CENSOR ME.I grumbled about it all morning as I got ready for work. I am usually a “fudge” this or “shiza dushku” kind of person. (I make up my own curse words or use happier substitutes.) But this morning, I was going sailor mouth McGee with F bombs and C nicknames… How dare you modify my freedom of speech to fit your own repression! It’s about the only thing I don’t like about Japan. I said it, repression makes me sick. How can your soul breathe if it can’t be it self? I’m sure there are tons of other repressed things that make me sick, and maybe it’s because I’m a loud mouth American, but sheesh.

I mostly had to vent this because I thought I would explode with unfulfilled expectations of a fan base for an author who practically wrote the book on vampire smut. You think they would be more open…Normally, I wouldn’t be into vampire smut, but 1. The books started out pretty whole some, almost frustratingly good. And 2. The lead heroin is a woman after my own heart. Out spoken, rules are basically meant for everyone else… you know, a kick ass American woman. YAY! The double standard of this world is enough to create agoraphobia in seemingly normal individuals. No more lame forum for me…I got my blog, it completes me.

Although I have posted this video before, I just wanted you to see the kind of “improper” material I was posting online, again:

Don't let the man hold you down, BREAK FREE!

Be you, because if you don't, who will?

"Ohhhh, how long 'till your surrender? It's a long way for heartbreak - but your heart wait and bleeds"  

I’ve decided that I want to be me ever if it means I am missing out on some opportunity. At the end of the day, if I am not me, who am I? I try not to regret life, because regret means I would have changed something. Change in any form would make me slightly different than I am today. And since I can’t change what has already happened, I am satisfied with the eggs that have already hatched. Really, I am. Sometimes I just need to say it out loud so that I remember. Some paths chosen in life aren’t the prettiest or easiest. However, if they are the choices you can proudly stand behind, who cares. I am a sucker for quotes, especially quotes that sound confusing or wise. I heard one in a movie recently, and technically, it’s just a play on words; a pun. But I fell in love with it. It makes me feel like getting a cause. I obviously can’t save the world, but maybe I can pick “one” thing worth saving and move from there. The quote I am talking about is from the new movie “Sucker Punch”. I saw it during its opening weekend and it blew me away. I heard a lot of people complaining about the movie afterwards, but I guess it wasn’t everyone’s cup of tea. It did better over seas, which tells me a lot about Americans. Ok, I’m stalling a little for suspense, the quote was:

“If you don’t stand for something, you will fall for anything.” Via the wise man from the movie.

It got me thinking though. You could say that I do fall for any and everything, at times. Is it because I lost my passion for life? Have I lost my passion? Do I need a cause? I don’t know, but I am going to live today thinking that I want to stand so I don’t fall. I think that is the best any one can do until they have found their mission; whether it’s your life mission or a mission of the moment. The important thing is taking what you have, and making the best of it. I’m not being pessimistic; I hope that I am being a realist. I hope that I am seeing the world the way it truly is, versus the way I wish it was.

I guess what spurred this thought in me was my recent chatting with strangers online. I got asked the “what do you look like” question and I thought to my self, “Well, I guess I could sugar coat the inevitable…” Before I knew it though, I was deleting everything I typed and writing what I would say to someone standing in front of me. The internet shouldn’t be a place you hide. It should be the place you would be if you were at a coffee shop, in line at the grocery store, waiting for the bus. The point is, be you. Be proud, there is probably not another one of “you” – thank gawd, lol. And if people don’t like what they see, then it’s a mutual loss. I wouldn’t hide standing in front of you and I won’t hide online behind “odizus”. My name defines me, but doesn’t entail all of me. It’s a big part of who I am and who I have become, but at the end of the day, it’s an alias. I am just a Jen, one “n”. ;-)

I hope my post today inspires you to be you. I am going to be me today and I am going to hope that I can show all the best parts of me before the day ends. (I only got 4 hours of sleep again insomnia… but I can work it…thank you coffee.)

Smile, the sun only rises and sets once a day; make sure to see at least one so you don’t regret missing these precious moments we take for granted. And if you missed them, stop and smell a flower. You might find it smells better than you remember. Unless you have my allergies and then it smells worse, lol. Point? Have fun!

(YES, the neon trees obession is still going strong!)

Two in One Day? AWESOME!

Odizus Means


In 2001, I was in summer school for 10th grade algebra (I think it was 2001 at least). I met a girl named Megan. She was a raver and at the time, I had no idea what this was, except cool(I later became a raver for the rest of my high school career). She came to me one day during class and said you shall be odiz from this day fourth and you will spell it O-D-I-Z. It was funny, but I didn’t think any thing of it. A few months later I was creating my yahoo screen name for online pool and I thought, oh crap, I need a good name. I tired a few that played with my real name but I hated them all. And then it hit me, I was named Odiz. Unfortunately, Odiz was taken by someone from Sweden. (Yea, I haven’t forgotten buddy!) So I sat and thought about what I could add to the name to make it mine with out adding numbers. Then it hit me! Who was looking for a screen name? Me, myself and I = us. Thus Odizus was created. My dad likes to make fun of me saying I misspelled odessyus, that Greek king from Ithaca and Google likes to ask me if I mean odious…lol.


Edited in: Ok, I have been thinking about it and I think it was 9th grade... I specifically remember being in gemotry class when the world trade center was hit... And you have to pass algebra to get into geomtry... I tell you, my memory is failing me... FAILING ME... There it's off my chest!!!!!

1983 is calling!

A Life in Need of an Update, Curse You Book of Faces...

I've got these habits that I can not, I've got these habits that I can't. I've got these habits that I can not ...

B R E A K ... 

Well, it’s official. I think I have a new favorite book. I just finished reading Laurell K. Hamilton’s “Skin  Trade”. It has to be her best work. Then again, I haven’t read the next novel in the series, “Bullet”… or the new one coming out in June, “Hit List”. I thought I was falling out of love with LHK’s work because it became a little too smutty; to the point where I couldn’t get through a chapter with out feeling the fire loins affect. It’s nice to see the actual story back, better than ever. I am glad she found that middle ground between story and smut. J I can enjoy both worlds with out the negative side effects of either, YAY! I didn’t mean to finish the book so quickly, but every word brought on more and more insomnia in me. I had to devour it before it devoured me. He he he. I’m glad that I did. The ending came so quick though. I was in the midst of a very exciting scene and then bam, the end. Lol, feels a little like life I guess. I want to read it again; maybe I missed something. My speed reading can miss whole paragraphs in my excitement.

It was a good time to find such an awesome read. I have been so sick for the last week and a half. I missed most of work last week. It’s not like me to miss work, even sick. But through my severe flu like symptoms, I guess I forgot to eat and I couldn’t move because of it. I was a little scared. Never felt weak in my life. I did a little research and it seems I went into some kind of sugar shock. Scary. But as soon as I started stuffing electrolytes down my throat, I could suddenly make a fist again. It’s the little things in life. I’m done being vegetarian. Three months was fun, but I need my “real” protein. I will increase my activity and it should fix anything thing I may have worried about. So win win. I thought eating was hard before, try taking meat and dairy out of the equation and it’s like putting a panda in the desert. Pandas only eat bamboo, I think, lol. Before I start changing things, I lived off mostly cheese and chicken; literally. It has definitely been a learning experience and I hope I learned something invaluable. I’m not going back to “just” cheese and chicken, but I can’t wait to try my first rare steak in months either. Drool.

And let me tell you what sick has done for my appearance… ever hear of a reverse make over? Yea, it’s that bad. More beast than beauty. I’m glad that a day where I actually feel more like old Jen finally came. I plucked them eye brows and poured just about every acne medicine I owned on my facial wreck. Pretty Jen is peeking through a little, yay! You think you are over vanity concerns until you catch a glimpse of your self in a window reflection and think, “Where’s the hunch back?” For me, my weakness is eye brows. I could be the prettiest girl in the room and if I had untidy eye brows, it wouldn’t be true to me. Stupid brows. Sometimes I wish I had the courage to shave them and just have them tattooed on, but Nah. I will just suffer with the rest of America and keep waxing them.

I am still obsessed with Neon Trees. Every song is better than the last. I woke up this morning humming 1983. The songs don’t have very many lyrics and the tunes are fairly simple. They just have that addicting “it” factor. I don’t know what it is or how you can get it…but I know when I hear it. It doesn’t hurt that the lead singer is really cute and has a hypnotic voice. Great, all I am missing now is all my band paraphernalia and an uncontrollable urge to scream at the band every time they are seen in public… Pass. I will just dance around my house with a fake microphone. It works for me. I feel like I found Paramore all over again. I heart you Haley Williams… ultimate dream? Paramore plays a set with Neon Tress, possible? A girl can dream.

Well the diary addition of “shiza Jen may or may not remember accurately” is complete. I had to get it out of my system. I turned off my face book and let me tell you how much has been on my chest since that went down. A bunch. Stupid mind controlling book of faces! Good times... Be well readers and eat better, you deserve it. :D 

Would ever dance with me like that?